


The Homestuck Character Support Group (Volume 2)

by ASBusinessMagnet



Series: Calliope's Update Girl [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-06
Updated: 2016-12-20
Packaged: 2018-02-27 19:05:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 37
Words: 38,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2703128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ASBusinessMagnet/pseuds/ASBusinessMagnet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>CALLIOPE'S UPDATE GIRL - THE HOMESTUCK CHARACTER SUPPORT GROUP (VOLUME 2) ==></p><p>They knew that Act 1 was just the beginning. However, before they could read more of Homestuck, they were already in a swirling spiral of events, including fan stories, aliens, and at least some indication that what they were reading wasn't supposed to be fiction at all. It thus became a quest for something only known as "Sgrub 2.0". Sequel to Calliope's Update Girl - Book One.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Preface 1. Which Chapter is the Newest?

The one in red.

So, I reordered some chapters. The questions on your mind, other than the one posed in the title, are:

Which chapter goes where now? Everything is explained in the list below.

Where is your favorite chapter? Well, I don't exactly know which chapter is your favorite, so I can't comment. Also, if it is one of those chapters with Roman numerals in the title (which has a slightly higher chance of being your favorite, since you appear in it), chances are, its name changes too. Don't worry; I listed the original titles of those chapters as well.

Most importantly, did I bring the "14 chapters per stage" rule back from the dead? Yes. Yes, I did.

At any rate, the list.

* * *

_Loading Screen 2: Let's See How Far We've Come_

  1. [2015-03-21] [1996-1998 - "First Steps"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2703128/chapters/7913748)
  2. [2016-11-04] [2008 - "Shaky Beginnings"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2703128/chapters/19404421)
  3. [2016-12-14] [2008 - "I'm Not Rose"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2703128/chapters/20285152)
  4. [2016-12-17] [December 4, 2008 - "Friendleader"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2703128/chapters/20350882)
  5. [2016-12-19] [April 13, 2009 - "Welcome to the 13yo Club"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2703128/chapters/20413576)
  6. [2015-04-12] [April 13, 2009 - "The New Universe"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2703128/chapters/8266390)
  7. [2016-12-20] [2010 - "Misaimed Messages"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2703128/chapters/20432584)
  8. ???
  9. ???
  10. ???
  11. [2016-12-15] [December 1, 2014 - "Inaugural Memo"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2703128/chapters/20307565)
  12. ???
  13. ???
  14. ???



_Stage 7: Back and Better than Ever_

  1. [2014-12-05] [April 14, 2017 - I](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2703128/chapters/6101174)
  2. [2014-12-10] [April 14, 2017 - II](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2703128/chapters/6162077)
  3. [2014-12-11] [April 14, 2017 - III](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2703128/chapters/6174956)
  4. [2014-12-25] [April 15, 2017 - I](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2703128/chapters/6390887)
  5. [2015-01-02] [April 15, 2017 - II](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2703128/chapters/6704189)
  6. [2015-03-23] [April 15, 2017 - III](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2703128/chapters/7942512)
  7. [2015-05-16] [April 15, 2017 - IV](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2703128/chapters/8860729)
  8. [2015-05-19] [April 15, 2017 - V](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2703128/chapters/8905396)
  9. [2015-06-12] [April 15, 2017 - VI](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2703128/chapters/9297252)
  10. [2015-07-01] [April 15, 2017 - VII](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2703128/chapters/9608394)
  11. [2016-09-19] [April 15, 2017 - VIII (formerly X)](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2703128/chapters/18513085)
  12. [2016-09-21] [April 15, 2017 - IX (formerly XI)](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2703128/chapters/18571975)
  13. [2016-10-01] [April 15, 2017 - X (formerly XII)](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2703128/chapters/18739180)
  14. [2016-10-01] [April 15, 2017 - XI (formerly XIII)](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2703128/chapters/18739418)



_Stage 8: Hiveswap/Undertale_

  1. [2015-05-24] [April 15, 2017 - "Warm Tropics, Cold Feet"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2703128/chapters/8989330)
  2. [2015-07-01] [April 15, 2017 - "Brave New Day"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2703128/chapters/9608499)
  3. [2015-07-02] [April 15, 2017 - "Apathy"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2703128/chapters/9625794)
  4. [2015-07-02] [April 15, 2017 - "Envisioned"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2703128/chapters/9630093)
  5. [2015-07-03] [April 15, 2017 - "Problems with the Design"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2703128/chapters/9646611)
  6. [2015-07-03] [April 15, 2017 - "Villains"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2703128/chapters/9646959)
  7. [2015-07-08] [April 15, 2017 - XII (formerly VIII)](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2703128/chapters/9739044)
  8. [2015-07-20] [April 15, 2017 - XIII (formerly IX)](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2703128/chapters/9944387)
  9. [2015-10-25] [April 15, 2017 - "Acquainted"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2703128/chapters/11672314)
  10. [2016-04-04] [April 15, 2017 - "Incidental"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2703128/chapters/14779345)
  11. [2016-04-19] [April 15, 2017 - "Casa de Strider"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2703128/chapters/15096346)
  12. [2016-11-08] [April 15, 2017 - "Chara's Greenlight Child"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2703128/chapters/19476508)
  13. ???
  14. ???



_Stage 9: The Adventures of Thomas and Carl_

  1. ???
  2. ???
  3. ???
  4. ???
  5. ???
  6. ???
  7. ???
  8. ???
  9. ???
  10. ???
  11. ???
  12. ???
  13. ???
  14. ???




	2. Preface 2. Character Sheet for Self-Inserts

**Initial note and guideline:  
**

As you might have noticed, my story Calliope's Update Girl has gotten quite popular over the months. In addition, you might have noticed that I've been writing self-inserts of my various fans into the earlier "stages", to give the Homestuck fandom, prominently featured in the story, more dimension, so its members aren't nameless generic fans of Homestuck. However, these were mostly my older fans (for example, scatteredPhilosopher has been a fan of mine ever since the days of Calliope and the Final Update), and the newer fans might feel left out. As well as that, reader-insert fanfics were, as of recently, one of my favorites, but I found that they always needed to assume something that won't be true for all readers, and wanted a story that would actually have my readers, even though they were particular examples and not general images.

To help both of these issues, and also to give Calliope's Update Girl a better feel so it isn't bound to the Homestuck characters reading Homestuck, I've decided to start this story, in which the Homestuck characters that are not presently reading Homestuck will be hanging out, and in which I might act out your romantic fantasies with your favorite character. Perhaps the romantic fantasies will end up being a part of Calliope's Update Girl?* Who knows, really.

Note that **only down-to-earth self-inserts are allowed.** No fictionalization is allowed (that means no trolls, no people with extraordinary backgrounds like Jade, and no people who wouldn't fit in the real world). That said, "unique snowflake" Tumblr folk will most likely be accepted. If I have an issue with your self-insert, I'll be sure to note it to you personally, and we'll see if we can work the issue out.

* * *

**Backstory for everyone:  
**

ASBusinessMagnet is the author of a fanfic called Calliope on the Update Gravestone. (Named after an early Lithuanian translation of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, the name of which literally translates to "Charlie in the Chocolate Heaven") Despite the similar names, though, it should not be mistaken for Calliope's Update Girl; one could tell by the first sentences. That story now takes place in an alternate version of the Homestuck fandom that never got as popular as ours, seeing as Ryan North never found Andrew Hussie in that universe. Therefore, even outside details of Calliope on the Update Gravestone won't be familiar to us; for example, a story named The Homestuck Character Support Group still exists, but only focuses on the canon characters, not allowing self-inserts.

The fanfic in question has already attained a mini-fandom, of which all the members hang out on a Pesterchum memo, named "#homestuck_character_support_group" after the memo in Calliope on the Update Gravestone. They have already become somewhat close friends, and therefore ASBusinessMagnet has been keeping up the fanfic for them. What they do not know, though, is that in the background, several Homestuck characters in their real life are actually considering the idea of a Homestuck Character Support Group, and the two groups are about to clash in a single place...

* * *

Without further ado, here is the

 **Submission form:** (be sure to delete the stuff in parentheses before filling it out)

_Submissions are no longer accepted; this is only kept for historical interest._

Username: (enter at least one; mark a dash if you don't have the other one. Fans without an account on either site will not be accepted)  
* FanFiction.Net:  
* Archive of Our Own:  
* Tumblr:  
Chumhandle: (this is what you'll be known as in the story; if your username on either site is already in the form of a chumhandle, this will be automatically filled in)  
Color: (hex code preferred, but a simple named color will suffice)  
Appearance on chatlogs: (typing manner + personality; you might give examples of your chatlogs to help the cause)  
Birthdate: (so I can derive your age at various scenes. As a PSA, the Earth-residing Homestuck characters were born on either December 1995 or April 1996, and the trolls are of similar age)  
Preferred pronouns: (so the gender issue is simplified)  
Location: (down to the city or a lesser-known country; note that non-US/Canada residents will _only_ interact with the characters/other self-inserts via the group memo and/or private chatlogs)  
Hobbies: (what you can be expected to do in your free time; in case I want to write a scene from your perspective)  
Additional notes (if any): (anything goes, as long as it's nothing offensive)

* * *

**Accepted characters:** (you can also use these as examples)

Username:  
* FanFiction.Net: [ASBusinessMagnet](https://www.fanfiction.net/u/2323369/)  
* Archive of Our Own: [ASBusinessMagnet](http://archiveofourown.org/users/ASBusinessMagnet/works)  
* Tumblr: [istrige-namuose](http://istrige-namuose.tumblr.com/) (main), [calliopes-update-girl](http://calliopes-update-girl.tumblr.com/) (for the story)  
Chumhandle: aperturescienceBusinessmagnet  
Color: #4040ff (64, 64, 255)  
Appearance on chatlogs: Types with perfect spelling and grammar, except when he omits periods  
Usually down-to-business and almost never shows emotion, but is prone to derails of the conversation nevertheless  
Almost never uses smileys, therefore, when he does, it immediately appears to be more suspicious  
Birthdate: April 30, 1996  
Preferred pronouns: he/him/his  
Location: Lithuania  
Hobbies: has seen a lot of the Internet on his wing, therefore his interests may not entirely be compatible with each other. Those include learning languages (in particular on Duolingo), writing fanfics (sometimes even trollfics), translation (in particular of Homestuck), making Hitler parodies (in the past, and it will usually not come up in conversation), and very occasionally visual arts and music. As such, he is quite busy on the Internet, and jokes about having "no less than 5 current projects at all times".  
Additional notes (if any): Oh, come on. Did you really think I would not include my own self-insert in this?  
Additional notes x2 COMBO!!!: For the purposes of this story, I did _not_ author Calliope's Update Girl or The Homestuck Character Support Group in this universe. It would just get too meta if I did, and we already have a meta as fuck character in the fanfic (Andrew Hussie). For what replaces Calliope's Update Girl in this universe, see the backstory.  
Additional notes x3 COMBO!!!: You might have read about my [coming out as a trans girl on January 13, 2015](http://istrige-namuose.tumblr.com/post/107946802953/tl-dr-coming-out-as-a-trans-girl-because-ive). Despite this, my character here is going to remain male, and I quote, "simply because I don’t retroactively change fics to reflect people coming out as trans."

* * *

Username:  
* FanFiction.Net: [scatteredPhilosopher](https://www.fanfiction.net/u/4806213/)  
* Archive of Our Own: -  
* Tumblr: ?  
Chumhandle: scatteredPhilosopher  
Color: #85ff75 (133, 255, 117)  
Appearance on chatlogs: Generally proper grammar and punctuation, occasionally starts to not even bother with capitalization and punctuation but spelling remains correct  
Birthdate: December 5, 1999  
Preferred pronouns: she/her/hers  
Location: Richmond, Virginia, United States  
Hobbies: likes to read and write, as well as draw. Generally prefers not to venture outdoors unless she has to, but when she does, she likes to take walks. Cooks a little bit but isn't that great at it.  
Additional notes (if any): Since scatteredPhilosopher's insertion into Calliope's Update Girl precedes this form, once I wrote the form, I PMed it to her and asked her to fill it in retroactively and as of December 24, 2014, she _finally_ did it. Perhaps Christmas miracles do happen.

* * *

Username:  
* FanFiction.Net: [MeAndMyReflection](https://www.fanfiction.net/u/3556375/)  
* Archive of Our Own: -  
* Tumblr: [crawavesse](http://crawavesse.tumblr.com/)  
Chumhandle: unstopableSmiley  
Color: #0b188f (11, 24, 143) (specified as "dark blue")  
Appearance on chatlogs: Even though she is a non-native speaker of English, she tries her best to introduce casual speech, even though it might be mixed in with improper spelling/grammar (and often finds herself mocking improper spelling/grammar).  
Almost always ends sentences with an exclamation mark! or an ellipsis...  
Often mistaken for a man because of interest in typically masculine activities.  
Typically curious, prone to mood swings and always trying to see the good side of people.  
Sometimes changes names so they end with either "-y", "dude" or "bro", e.g. Johny, Davey, Eridan dude, Hussie dude.  
Birthdate: October 21, 1997  
Preferred pronouns: she/her/hers; he/him/his (when mistaken for a man)  
Location: Indonesia  
Hobbies: associated with video games but short of money, therefore she plays free online games and watches obscure gaming YouTubers. Also interested in theories, Slenderverse series, psychology, drawing and writing.  
Additional notes (if any): She is quick to believe that the Homestuck characters are really Homestuck characters, even though usually she is half-suspicious. Originally hates Dave because of his personality, but then switches to liking him because she finds out he really does care about his friends. Praises Hussie as a god, but because of him she is afraid of horses.

* * *

Username:  
* FanFiction.Net: [PKRS](https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5321005/)  
* Archive of Our Own: -  
* Tumblr: [arsoniccatnap](http://arsoniccatnap.tumblr.com/) (old)  
Chumhandle: savvyKiddo  
Color: #6600cc (102, 0, 204)  
Appearance on chatlogs: Uses near-perfect grammar and syntax, but will often eschew this in favor of being casual. And sometimes will add two question marks at the end of a sentence to add a questioning tone to things?? Likes to use smileys or abbreviations when she can. :D  
Usually replies to things she doesn't know how to reply to with a cheerful whoop or a dejected "oh", depending on what's more appropriate for the situation.  
Can sometimes be unpredictable with switching topics, and apologizes too much.  
Birthdate: April 17, 1997 (not an actual birthdate, but rather a lie that she tells)  
Preferred pronouns: she/her/hers  
Location: United States (likewise, deliberately not as detailed)  
Hobbies: writing, listening to music, reading way too many things... yeah. Also likes pie.  
Additional notes (if any): Pretty open to others' beliefs and accepting of weird events. Very easygoing.

* * *

Username:  
* FanFiction.Net: [davespritenotdave](https://www.fanfiction.net/u/4077504/)  
* Archive of Our Own: -  
* Tumblr: [davespritenotdave](http://davespritenotdave.tumblr.com/)  
Chumhandle: draconianNeptune  
Color: #ffae1a (255, 174, 26)  
Appearance on chatlogs: types in lowercase because hes lazy. there are periods.  
tends to use alot of smileys. the generic ones at least :p when there are smileys the period tends to dissapear  
also very exited and childish because who needs growing up :p  
misspell words alot then tries to fix them resulting in slow (somewhat) responses  
is actually pretty good at english for a dude in a not that much english speaking country.  
Birthdate: February 4, 1998  
Preferred pronouns: he/him/his  
Location: The Philippines  
Hobbies: Mostly spends most of his time on the Internet (i.e. Tumblr), unless there is no Internet connection. In that case, he's usually drawing (on paper) or reading a book or just watching any fantasy/adventure movie.  
Additional notes (if any): He's usually pretty lonely because most of his friends are either from the Internet or from another part of the country. Also, he likes animals a lot and has 3 dogs. He has been called naïve more than once in his life (and he doesn't think it's going to stop anytime soon).

* * *

Username:  
* FanFiction.Net: [cryptologicalMystic](https://www.fanfiction.net/u/2594216/)  
* Archive of Our Own: [cryptologicalMystic](http://archiveofourown.org/users/cryptologicalMystic)  
* Tumblr: [cryptologicalmystic](http://cryptologicalmystic.tumblr.com/)  
Chumhandle: cryptologicalMystic  
Color: #7000c6 (112, 0, 198)  
Appearance on chatlogs: Irregularly switches back & forth between excellent grammar and txtspk, usually hitting a middle ground wherein some words are abbreviated (usually the ones that are homophones of numbers or have easily accessible symbol equivalents like &, @, #, %, etc.), the rest are spelled perfectly, and near-perfect grammar is used otherwise. Will use emoji/emoticons as well.  
Birthdate: sometime during 2000  
Preferred pronouns: she/her/hers  
Location: one of the southeastern states of the United States  
Hobbies: Tends to spend most available time on Tumblr; when she isn't, she's either reading online or working on her fanventure, which is like how Homestuck might have turned out if all the characters had opposite personalities and classpects. She's also a good artist (specifically with drawings). However, she tends to get distracted easily, which leads to procrastination.  
Additional notes (if any): -

* * *

Username:  
* FanFiction.Net: [Linda065cliva](https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5862375/)  
* Archive of Our Own: -  
* Tumblr: ?  
Chumhandle: genericTranslator  
Color: #6a006a (106, 0, 106) (same as Eridan Ampora)  
Appearance on chatlogs: usually types not using any capital letters except in names. sometimes does typos, but that's just when she's hurrying to write on her phone, which has a touch screen can barely use XD uses the XD emoticon a lot. really a lot. XD  
Birthdate: August 3, 1997  
Preferred pronouns: she/her/hers  
Location: Switzerland  
Hobbies: draws a lot, as if it were sort of an addiction, and loves writing. She sews her own cosplays and she's often quite stressed out because she stresses myself a lot with trying to do many things at the same time. She tends to get herself really busy over lots of things and she easily gets a headache. She loves hanging out with her girlfriend, who is also a Homestuck fan and they talk a lot about it.  
Additional notes (if any): She kind of adores Hussie for the way he writes, but she wouldn't faint if I were ever to meet him. Though, she likes all the characters without despising or liking someone more. She'd probably faint if she were ever to meet one of them in person, though.

* * *

Username:  
* FanFiction.Net: [gsunny6](https://www.fanfiction.net/u/6407637/)  
* Archive of Our Own: [gsunny6](http://archiveofourown.org/users/gsunny6)  
* Tumblr: [gsunny6](http://gsunny6.tumblr.com/) (little-used)  
Chumhandle: gsunnyDragonlover6  
Color: #aa55ff (170, 85, 255)  
Appearance on chatlogs: omits some letters, but does place apostrophes, otherwise types with perfect grammar, even when slang and web abbreviations are used. ('round, somethin', etc.)  
Birthdate: June 10, 2002  
Preferred pronouns: she/her/hers  
Location: Verona, Wisconsin, United States  
Hobbies: drawing, reading, and playing video games. She only RPs as herself, the Rogue of Space, if ever. I guess Drama Club is a hobby? Usually off-line do to everything from school to Girl Scouts to the "awesome science thing in UW-Madison".  
Additional notes (if any): -

* * *

**Footnotes:**

* In case you were wondering; yes, this story and Calliope's Update Girl are canonical to each other. The only works that are non-canonical to these stories are those which contradict either one of the stories or the real development history of Homestuck (e.g. Calliope and the Final Update, Inception of a Masterpiece).


	3. Preface 3. Chronological Catalog of Chapters

**Preceding note:**

This can be seen as additional material to Calliope's Update Girl, since it's a simple list of when each chapter of that story and The Homestuck Character Support Group takes place. It also in a way helps the human literature trick that is, for our stupid librarians, known as "contextualization".

* * *

**The catalog:**

_Unspecified, given as a backstory of one or more characters:_

  * Calliope's Update Girl – Book One – Stage 1, Chapter 1
  * The Homestuck Character Support Group (Volume 2) – Loading Screen 2, Chapter 1



_2008:_

  * The Homestuck Character Support Group (Volume 2) – Loading Screen 2, Chapters 2 to 3



_December 4, 2008 (Thursday):_

  * The Homestuck Character Support Group (Volume 2) – Loading Screen 2, Chapter 4



_April 13, 2009 (Monday):_

  * The Homestuck Character Support Group (Volume 2) – Loading Screen 2, Chapters 5 to 6



_2010:_

  * The Homestuck Character Support Group (Volume 2) – Loading Screen 2, Chapter 7



_Summer of 2012:_

  * Calliope's Update Girl – Book One – Stage 1, Chapter 2



_December 1, 2014 (Monday):_

  * The Homestuck Character Support Group (Volume 2) – Loading Screen 2, Chapter 11



_April 10, 2017 (Monday):_

  * Calliope's Update Girl – Book One – Stage 1, Chapter 3



_April 11, 2017 (Tuesday):_

  * Calliope's Update Girl – Book One – Stage 1, Chapter 4



_April 12, 2017 (Wednesday):_

  * Calliope's Update Girl – Book One – Stage 1, Chapter 5



_April 13, 2017 (Thursday):_

  * Calliope's Update Girl – Book One – Stage 1, Chapters 6 to 14
  * Calliope's Update Girl – Book One – Loading Screen 1, Chapters 29 to 41



_April 14, 2017 (Friday):_

  * Calliope's Update Girl – Book One – Stage 2, Chapters 15 to 28
  * Calliope's Update Girl – Book One – Loading Screen 1, Chapter 42
  * Calliope's Update Girl – Book One – Stage 3, Chapters 43 to 49
  * Calliope's Update Girl – Book One – Stage 4, Chapters 50 to 63
  * Calliope's Update Girl – Book One – Stage 5, Chapters 64 to 77
  * Calliope's Update Girl – Book One – Stage 6, Chapters 78 to 90
  * The Homestuck Character Support Group (Volume 2) – Stage 7, Chapters 15 to 17



_April 15, 2017 (Saturday):_

  * Calliope's Update Girl – Book One – Stage 6, Chapter 91
  * The Homestuck Character Support Group (Volume 2) – Stage 7, Chapters 18 to 28
  * The Homestuck Character Support Group (Volume 2) – Stage 8, Chapters 29 to ???




	4. 1996-1998 - "First Steps"

**_Aliens encountered in our town; what do they want from us?_ **

EASTHAMPTON, MASSACHUSETTS - APRIL 14, 1996 - Our news outlet has received reports on an unidentified projectile hitting the vicinity of the town yesterday at around 4:15 PM. Originally believed to be a meteor similar to that of the Tunguska event, upon closer observations of the impact site experts have revised the claim and now purport that the projectile has been an alien spaceship. It carried two lifeforms, both of which survived the impact. The lifeforms have been described by witnesses as dark green snakes with human skulls for heads. One's cheekbones have been marked by green spirals, the other's - by red spirals. If the rumors are confirmed, this would be the first definitive encounter of humanity with an extraterrestrial lifeform. An emergency meeting of the city council has been scheduled, in which the officials should decide what to do with the two aliens. More will be reported as the situation develops.

* * *

**_Further data on our alien encounter intrigues scientists_ **

APRIL 15, 1996 - Yesterday, we reported about two extraterrestrial lifeforms mysteriously arriving to the vicinity of the town. As the people in the town and around the world were shocked, experts were busy gathering more information and have provided a preliminary report, based on camera footage around the town and accounts by various witnesses.

What has been believed to be an alien spaceship turned out to be nothing more than an egg hosting the juvenile lifeforms, apparently evolved to withstand velocities of atmospheric entry and the force of impact. Moments after the impact, before any human observers could enter the scene, the egg hatched and its contents were immediately consumed by the two young aliens. Since they were first observed and hosted in an undisclosed location in a house that had formerly been for sale, they have "pupated", growing human-like arms and legs and beginning to form a rigid body structure. So far, no name has been given to them, although the name "green skull kids" has become popular with the locals.

The city council has ruled that the two aliens had most likely been left behind to be raised on Earth, and therefore had to have continued custody in a human environment. It is expected that as they grow up, they will adapt to the human culture and language, and in case anyone else belonging to the species arrives, looking for questions, an additional ruling will have to be issued.

For now, the "green skull kids" have been living happily in their temporary home. Interestingly enough, while the green-spiraled individual so far has been happy and curious to observe its home world as any human child would be, the red-spiraled individual has not been enjoying the experience, trying to bite scientists that approached him, rather unsuccessfully.

The aliens' hosting location is to remain confidential, so to decrease potential intervention by humans that are not well-equipped to deal with them, especially the red-spiraled individual. Nevertheless, officials and scientists assure us that the kids will grow up well and will be protected from any harassment and/or murder attempts that may follow if certain groups are opposed to raising the kids on Earth.

* * *

**_The Green Skull Kids: Second Anniversary Summary of Research_ **

APRIL 13, 1998 - It has been two years since the Green Skull Kids arrived to our town to live happily as any humans would, and scientists have already gathered data on their species from their pure observation.

The most likely hypothesis is that the beings, once they grow up, will begin living in outer space and consuming the hydrogen particles that are dispersed throughout the interstellar space. However, as the younger members of the species are unable to fly as freely as a rocket in space ("Not the best analogy, but trust us on this one," lead research consultant Roxanne Lalonde, who has been involved in similar events across the world, comments), they are to grow up on the Earth. However, due to their current being, especially that of the green-spiraled individual, they are unlikely to consume our planet whole, and therefore the scientists assure us that there is nothing to worry about.

After two years, the children have already obtained some form of sentience and sense of individuality. Due to unknown reasons, they have begun calling each other and themselves by names: the green-spiraled individual appears to have been named "Calliope", while the red-spiraled individual calls himself "Caliborn". Nevertheless, these names don't stick with the scientific community, which has remained with the codenames "Survivor-A" and "Survivor-B" in the research papers.

As well as that, stricter security measures have been taken regarding the two individuals. While their location remains unknown due to their current popularity, the greatest danger posed against them is each other, due to their conflicting personalities. Therefore, the two are now kept in separate rooms, never to interact with each other directly.

As they grow up, another idea proposed by the scientific community has been to abandon research of them entirely and grant them the rights of human beings, including United States citizenship and educational tuitions. "Once I finish drinking this martini," R. Lalonde commented, leading reporters to disregard this notion and instead gather information for a press release from other members of the research group.

The public's reaction to all of these events has been mostly negative, seeing as most information on the two individuals has been classified, and according to local people, "it might as well be all fake". Nevertheless, the city council assures everyone that the house that the two individuals are hosted in is real and could be located on a map, and is only guarded by the scientists so that the two children remain safe.

Before we ended this second anniversary cover of the story, R. Lalonde had one more comment: "The kids will be fine. It's our reponsi... uh... resonpibi... that word, you know?"

* * *

**_The Green Skull Kids research shut down_ **

APRIL 15, 1998 - All research on the Green Skull Kids has been shut down after an assassination attempt on various scientists occurred, following our previous story. The suspect, L. E., claims that he decided to "put an end to this hoax once and for all", and once he read the previous story on our newspaper, he tracked down lead research consultant Roxanne Lalonde from her extensive facility in Rainbow Falls, New York all the way to the house where the aliens were hosted. Due to the commotion, the location of the house in which the individuals were hosted became known to the general public and therefore had to be declassified, and as police entered the scene, they decided to completely shut down all research on the individuals, to protect them as well as the research group. Roxanne is currently in a hospital due to injuries of limbs and alcohol poisoning, and L. E. is awaiting his trial.

The individuals are now to be monitored by the police 24/7 to prevent any further assassination attempts.


	5. 2008 - "Shaky Beginnings"

_Perhaps this was a bad idea_ , John Egbert thought as he downloaded what called itself "Pesterchum".

For all twelve years of his life, he had felt fairly restricted by his family. He did not live in a typical nuclear family; rather, he was raised by his father and his grandmother, in a family that, strangely enough for its composition, lived in a single house. The house itself also looked a bit unusual in its neighborhood in Maple Valley, Washington, standing out with its unnatural white color. Hoever, neither the composition of the family nor its habitation were the main problem for John, and even his father had no say in what truly restricted him.

Instead, the problem stemmed from a particular sentence from the United States law.

Apparently, to protect children's rights to privacy, one could only register any sort of account at the age of thirteen. Since John was unwilling to lie to try and get on any service, this meant that most conventional instant messaging sites and many less conventional ones were out of question for him to even try registering on. This meant that he had gone deeper and deeper into the search results, and Pesterchum itself, as its users tab showed, was barely used by anyone. In fact, it seemed much less like a real instant messaging application and more like an IRC server in nice wrapping.

Upon realizing that, though, John was struck with a brilliant idea. If he could get ahold of these few people and develop a friendship with them, he absolutely could make his thirteenth birthday come sooner. Best case scenario, he would have some lifelong friends, worst case scenario, by the time he grows up, he will be stricken by memories of relationships long past and those that could never be forged. Overall, what was there to lose?

After no more further hesitation, John decided to add whoever "gardenGnostic" was to his "chumroll" and "pester" them.

* * *

\-- ectoBiologist  [EB]  began pestering gardenGnostic  [GG]  \--

EB: hello?  
GG: oh my gosh  
GG: someone else beside me and grandpa is on this program??  
EB: ...yeah?  
EB: hello, i am john!  
GG: hi john im jade!!  
GG: it is quite a surprise to be talking to you in the first place  
GG: i didnt expect anyone to be using pesterchum!  
EB: this is just the sort of thing that happens when it is so far back in the search results.  
EB: anyway.  
EB: i imagine this is the part where we tell each other our life stories.  
EB: who should start?  
GG: i suppose its my duty  
GG: so the answer to your first question is yes  
GG: this is my grandpas program  
GG: well sort of  
EB: i didn't actually ask that question, but alright.  
GG: sometimes it just happens yknow  
GG: even with grandpa ive just noticed that sometimes i can predict what he will say and do  
GG: this weird gnostic power  
EB: sounds stupid and made up.  
GG: thats what he told me  
GG: and thats what im inclined to believe  
GG: but deep in my heart i just know  
EB: i mean, i guess it SORT OF makes sense that a weirdo grandpa has a weirdo app and a weirdo grand daughter.  
EB: but whatever.  
EB: i'm clearly not the one to judge.  
GG: dont forget that we live in a weirdo island  
GG: away from pretty much everything  
GG: and it doesnt even have a name  
GG: just coordinates  
GG: -0.955766 -174.759521  
EB: wow, that is in the middle of nowhere if i didn't know what the middle of nowhere was.  
EB: like, that brings to my mind even more questions than you've answered so far while we were talking.  
EB: how do you even have internet?  
GG: hehe :D  
GG: grandpa never really could explain it clearly  
GG: but rest assured i have all the benefits of living in a normal american home  
GG: heating electricity and internet inclusive  
GG: i mean obviously i have internet since were talking right now  
GG: but you get me  
EB: i suppose.  
EB: and i shouldn't be asking about your state.  
EB: that's how stumped i am after first talking with you.  
GG: alright thats enough of me  
GG: im sure as i grow up i will explain everything  
EB: oh yeah, that reminds me.  
EB: how old are you?  
GG: 12  
EB: oh my god, me too!  
GG: hehe  
GG: anyway whats your life story? :B  
EB: well, i'm john, i live in the suburbs with my dad and nanna...  
EB: and i guess i like ghost busters?  
EB: if i were to be one who brings more questions with each thing he says, they would probably be about my choice of movies.  
EB: like, people don't even know of con air or matthew mcconaughey.  
GG: i wish i could see a movie  
GG: even if it is one of yours  
EB: haha, i also wish that.  
GG: :B  
EB: welp, i guess that's it for our first meeting.  
EB: some simple exchange of facts and feelings.  
GG: agreed  
EB: i mean, i got exactly nothing from you except for a feeling of being weirded out in whatever world you live in, but you get me.  
GG: dont worry  
GG: i am sure we will have a great friendship eventually!  
EB: i can only hope for that.  
EB: school hasn't been exactly the greatest place to return to every work day.  
GG: that will be taken care of that too  
EB: whatever you are into, thanks for calming my worries down.  
EB: that's what friends are for, right?  
GG: alright  
GG: hey by the way just before we go did you notice?  
GG: there are two more people on pesterchum right now  
GG: tentacletherapist and turntechgodhead  
EB: holy hell.  
EB: it's becoming a small world now.  
EB: well, i suppose that i need to check them out too.  
EB: bye for now, jade!  
GG: bye!!! :B

\-- ectoBiologist  [EB]  ceased pestering gardenGnostic  [GG]  \--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's idiotisms: A reorder of chapters has just occurred (as of November 6th, 2016). Yup, this note is still here, being irrelevant and everything.


	6. 2008 - "I'm Not Rose"

\-- ectoBiologist  [EB]  began pestering tentacleTherapist  [TT]  \--

EB: hello, whoever you are.  
TT: Greetings.  
TT: I should have anticipated there being more people on this chat program than just myself, one of my friends and a peculiar person of administrative sorts.  
TT: My name is Rose Lalonde; what is yours?  
EB: john.  
EB: john egbert.  
TT: Salutations are in order, John.  
EB: wow, less than a minute and i already lost you.  
TT: No need to fret.  
TT: I will try and keep the lexicon I use in this conversation as simple as possible for both of our ages.  
EB: that reminds me, how old are you?  
TT: Twelve.  
EB: even though i'm 12 too, you still sound a lot smarter than me.  
EB: got any explanations up your sleeve?  
EB: (not that i will understand them, but you get me.)  
TT: Where does the implication that my words are currently being read aloud stem from?  
EB: it's a figure of speech, rose.  
TT: I figured.  
TT: Pun not intended.  
EB: i think it's "no pun intended".  
TT: That does not seem especially clear.  
TT: After all, what if I were to say that without having accidentally said a pun previously?  
TT: I would be technically correct, but you would remain confused.  
EB: okay, at this point i give in completely.  
EB: is there anyone you're trying to impress with how you're speaking?  
TT: Not anyone in particular.  
TT: I could point you to one person that needs to be impressed in a certain way.  
TT: If not by my responses, which he consistently derides as "smartass", then by your manner of speech, which is rather simple in comparison.  
EB: great, is he...  
EB: turntech godhead?  
TT: That's the one.  
TT: We both have decided to use Pesterchum ironically, seeing as it is a rather obscure chat client which fails in providing a social network for all of us.  
TT: Though, starting with you, there might be a friendship developing that brings us to a close-knit group.  
TT: This time, the pun was intended.  
TT: I do enjoy some knitting, if you ask me.  
EB: well, technically it's not just us three.  
EB: i come here having just talked to jade.  
TT: Who is Jade?  
EB: you've spent all your time with your weird friend on pesterchum and you haven't figured out you can message garden gnostic?  
TT: Well, we did see that nickname, but we always just assumed that was the administrator.  
EB: well, in that case, that is another person for you to message.  
EB: i will be looking at what turntech godhead has to offer.  
TT: In that case, it is a farewell for both of us.  
TT: (Not one, but two new people to discover on Pesterchum.)  
TT: (Simply unbelievable.)  
EB: hehe, i guess the world is bigger than both of us think.  
EB: goodbye!

\-- ectoBiologist  [EB]  ceased pestering tentacleTherapist  [TT]  \--

* * *

\-- ectoBiologist  [EB]  began pestering turntechGodhead  [TG]  \--

EB: hey!  
TG: yo rose  
EB: ...  
EB: i'm not rose.  
EB: i'm john.  
TG: seriously nice try rose  
TG: try and pretend that someone else is using pesterchum besides us two and the weird sysadmin  
TG: or whatever that garden gnostic thinks he is  
TG: gardener by day  
TG: owner of a shitty chat app by night  
EB: oh come on.  
EB: don't tell me you have never messaged jade either.  
TG: i have  
TG: but i think timezones conflict  
TG: that or ggs sleep schedule  
TG: i mean as a programmer he probably has a fucked up sleep schedule  
TG: i guess that its just right to have alongside a fucked up name  
TG: jade is a color not a name goddammit  
TG: ok wait a minute google says that it is a name  
TG: but its a girls name  
TG: so now i have to revise everything i said about gg being a he  
TG: well fuck you a female programmer is even weirder  
TG: or i guess i can bring out all the adjectives to describe the apparent her  
TG: female programmer gardener psychic from another dimension  
TG: there hows that to add to jades business card assuming she has one  
EB: actually, she's 12, just like me.  
EB: probably a bit young to have a business card.  
TG: so thats what this place is  
TG: a refugee camp for everyone 12 and under who cant register on skype or aol or anything else because those require you to be 13 and over  
TG: this is the craziest small world that were living in rose  
EB: ...i thought i said i was not rose?  
TG: yeah right  
EB: is there any way that i can prove that i am not rose?  
TG: there isnt  
TG: because youre rose  
TG: just trollin me like im some chumpstick gullible enough to believe that an actual 12yo that acts like a 12yo for once is there besides us  
TG: its you and me against the world rose  
EB: would a photo of me and my surroundings suffice?  
EB: just to show you that, say, i am a boy and therefore incapable of being rose?  
TG: what rose do you have a little brother  
TG: feels just right to discover this now  
TG: me with a big bro and you with a little bro  
TG: and yet were the biggest bros that this corner of the internet has seen  
EB: shoot, i forgot to ask her.  
EB: whatever, just have the picture.  
EB: here goes nothing.  
TG: ok seems fair enough  
TG: i totally understand roses family now  
TG: same retarded stare into everything all at once  
TG: wait a minute what is that  
TG: dont tell me you worship matthew mcconnahy  
TG: or whatever his name is spelled  
EB: mcconaughey.  
TG: mc horse laugh  
TG: no way even rose and her family are beyond that shit  
TG: well in that case i guess its enough proof that youre not rose  
TG: which means you will have to brain bleach away anything i said that may be a top secret between me and rose  
TG: whats your actual name on your id  
TG: oh wait youre 12 you dont have an id yet  
EB: john.  
TG: hey john im dave  
EB: hey, dave!  
EB: a bit weird that all of our names are four letters.  
TG: a bit weird  
TG: or the cornerstone for our future friendship  
TG: im callin it right now a decade from now we will all have moved from our shit families and living happily together and in one place like best friends  
TG: you me rose and jade  
TG: just imagine  
TG: just the four of us  
TG: we can make it if we try  
TG: just the four of us  
TG: you i and two more people that i have to talk about therefore immediately ruining the next line of the song  
TG: hey wait a minute the word four has four letters  
TG: everything has four letters  
TG: i dont even care that much  
TG: what news have you got from your seat  
EB: that's a lot of four-letter words, that's for granted.  
TG: alright catch ya later  
TG: you are going to keep using pesterchum right  
EB: now that i've discovered you, jade and rose, i might as well!  
TG: alright got it  
TG: in that case bye for now  
EB: bye!

\-- ectoBiologist  [EB]  ceased pestering turntechGodhead  [TG]  \--


	7. December 4, 2008 - "Friendleader"

\-- ectoBiologist  [EB]  began pestering tentacleTherapist  [TT]  \--

EB: hello, rose!  
TT: Greetings, John.  
TT: Since this hasn’t come up in our conversation at any time, I think I should let you know that today is my thirteenth birthday.  
EB: wow, i certainly didn’t know that.  
EB: in that case, happy birthday rose!  
TT: Your congratulations have been accepted, John.  
EB: it’s a shame i don’t know that much about you, though.  
EB: if i knew where you live i would totally have sent you something!  
TT: I am already delighted by the imaginary present that you have brought, and I haven’t even thought anything about what physical form would it actually take.  
EB: hehehe.  
EB: next year, i will probably bring you something truly extraordinary.  
EB: something that will change your life.  
EB: if i get your address by then.  
TT: Everything is life-changing when it comes from something even remotely associated with this application.  
TT: These few months that we have spent together certainly prove it.  
EB: i can agree with that.  
EB: hey, since dave and jade are thirteen too, that makes me wonder…  
EB: how will my own thirteenth look?  
TT: When is your birthday, anyway?  
EB: april 13th.  
EB: you’re welcome.  
TT: Isn’t it ironically appropriate that we will turn into a group of four thirteen year olds on the thirteenth day of the fourth month?  
EB: i don’t know about irony, but that is a sweet coincidence!  
TT: Nice to see that I have made an impression on you in a certain way.  
TT: That will be enough from me for today.  
EB: goodbye, rose!  
TT: Goodbye, John.

\-- tentacleTherapist  [TT]  ceased pestering ectoBiologist  [EB]  \--

* * *

\-- turntechGodhead  [TG]  began pestering gardenGnostic  [GG]  \--

TG: so now that were both firmly in the 13yo range might as well have a recap of how everything happened  
GG: yeah let’s!!  
TG: so theres your grandpas app  
TG: that is downloadable through the internet but is like at the very end of googling results  
TG: so no one downloads it  
TG: and eventually he stops using it  
TG: because even completely uncool has its limits  
GG: nah  
GG: most of his contacts he would just meet live!  
GG: he does have this ship that he sails around the world in  
GG: so he may not even have internet for a long time!  
GG: and also he might not even have written the app to begin with?  
GG: he said that he only adapted it from the ruins that i live next to  
TG: see jade thats the sort of bullshit that he has to make up to justify his uncool  
TG: anyway  
TG: so i and rose meet through my bros weird puppet site  
TG: i have no idea what she was looking for when she googled whatever it was that led her to findin my bro  
TG: so we chat for a while on that godawful website  
TG: surrounded by mostly bots  
TG: then i find this stupid app  
GG: dont call it stupid!  
TG: am not  
TG: its objective fact  
GG: :/  
TG: and i say hey  
TG: lets chat on this instead  
TG: there will be no more bots to meddle with us and change the meaning of what we want to say all the time  
TG: no offense to my bro but he definitely could write some better robots  
TG: or maybe he couldnt because robot biz isnt as advanced as i thought  
TG: anyway skip to a year later  
TG: this kid called john egbert comes  
TG: or ecto biologist i guess  
TG: he finds us three  
TG: and suddenly i have an incentive to message you  
TG: instead of just dismissin you as the creator of the chat app  
GG: well you were pretty close  
TG: literally  
TG: i should be thankin him for all the friendship that he brought us  
TG: henceforth i crown him our friendleader  
TG: and henceforth i also friendzone everyone here  
TG: come on were basically kids we shouldnt be thinkin about romance anyway  
GG: i have never felt the need to think about romance  
TG: good for you  
TG: since i am neck deep in earth culture im afraid this isnt possible for me  
TG: and youre clearly from another planet  
TG: which has numbers for coordinates instead of words like  
TG: the united states  
TG: the state of not an english word  
TG: do you know what texas means  
TG: and more importantly in which native american language  
GG: dont expect me to be your trivia girl  
TG: am not  
GG: why dont you try and google it  
GG: since youre so insistent on using google as a verb  
TG: later  
TG: anyway after the state name comes  
TG: the city of even further from an english word than the name of the state  
TG: im not even going to bother tellin whats mine  
TG: and finally  
TG: 1234567890 fuck you street  
TG: implying that the street actually has over a billion houses  
TG: which would house more americans than actually are there  
TG: everything about how places are named on earth doesnt make sense  
TG: and i have the inherent right to make fun of it  
TG: you gettin me jade  
GG: i am perfectly gettin you  
GG: *getting  
GG: in fact i am enjoying your company so far!  
TG: and i am even influencing the way you speak  
TG: shit i meant influencin  
TG: i guess some of you rubs off on me as well  
TG: which brings us back to the point of friendship  
TG: if theres one thing that friends let friends do its become each other  
GG: well i suppose some variety couldnt hurt!!  
GG: if its truly possible to become you just by chatting with you then i want to experience it  
GG: firsthand of course  
TG: see thats exactly the point of friendship  
TG: and not love  
TG: and with this last friendzoning i ran out of stuff to say  
TG: i guess catch me later when i have some more  
GG: see you!!

\-- turntechGodhead  [TG]  ceased pestering gardenGnostic  [GG]  \--


	8. April 13, 2009 - "Welcome to the 13yo Club"

\-- turntechGodhead  [TG]  began pestering ectoBiologist  [EB]  \--

TG: sup and happy bday john  
EB: wow, thanks dave!  
EB: and one of your coolkid sups, of course.  
TG: and one of your dorky hellos to you too  
TG: i would ask you what sort of cool stuff you raked in for your bday  
TG: but lets face it  
TG: since im not sendin you anything youre not going to get any sort of cool stuff  
EB: no, i totally got cool stuff!  
EB: like this little monsters poster.  
EB: i’ve been looking for it for AGES.  
TG: and how is little monsters cool  
EB: um…  
TG: exactly  
EB: you’re so quick to judge a movie by its cover.  
TG: no john  
TG: i perfectly understand that any movie you pick is 2 hours of garbage  
TG: and a lot of movies that i come across are that too  
TG: but you need to forget about them and focus on true distilled comedy gold  
EB: sounds confusing, but okay.  
EB: how’s your day?  
TG: chillin w/ some aj  
TG: bustin raps w/ my bro  
TG: chattin on a chat app that no one uses besides us four  
TG: usual shit  
EB: might i cheer you up by saying something?  
TG: no  
TG: mostly because your somethin would fail to cheer me up  
TG: im a coolkid remember  
TG: i dont smile  
TG: what is this turning of mouths in certain directions to convey emotion that youre even speakin of  
EB: alright, i get it.  
EB: might i suggest a game for you to play?  
TG: is it one of those stupid licensed movie games  
TG: or even worse licensed book movie games  
TG: those are the worst  
TG: each adaptation distilling the quality more and more until its pure shit  
EB: no, it is nothing like that.  
EB: in fact, it isn’t even a video game.  
TG: alright now you got me john  
TG: im all ears  
EB: poker.  
EB: poker is what i’m talking about.  
TG: thanks but no thanks  
EB: why so?  
TG: alright egbert strap in to your bed because its storytime  
TG: my bro  
TG: hes like  
TG: the coolest dude you ever knew  
TG: probably the ultimate aspiration of any coolkid  
TG: you see while a typical coolkid SHOWS no emotion  
TG: my bro HAS no emotion  
TG: and obviously he gets into poker  
TG: cause thats what a dude does  
TG: so hes obscenely rich  
TG: and then he sets up this weird puppet side business  
TG: and gets me to act as the apprentice to the master of the craft  
TG: and then one day  
TG: he suddenly returns in his underpants  
TG: cards covering his face  
TG: turns out  
TG: people were deliberately collaborating against him behind his back  
TG: and he lost quite a sum  
TG: so much that they decided just to fuck it and turn it into a stripping competition  
TG: and turns out it doesnt matter how much you earn  
TG: by the end of strip poker you are going to be absolutely naked  
TG: good thing he had some clothes to spare at my home  
TG: the moral of the story is  
TG: fuck it theres no moral  
TG: that was literally this one happenstance  
TG: there is absolutely no lesson whatsoever to be derived from it  
TG: how did you like it  
EB: i see.  
EB: i am sorry for your brother’s loss.  
EB: is he doing okay now?  
TG: hes turned his puppet business into his main profit generating venture  
TG: but other than that hes ok  
TG: still cool here in texas  
TG: a state where even the coolkids are big  
TG: believe me i will absolutely tower over you once we meet once this shit is over  
TG: remember im still plannin it all  
TG: to blow this joint and just live happily together once  
TG: idk  
TG: we graduate from school  
TG: that seems like a good time to just scram and run into each others arms  
TG: kay i still have a message from rose to respond to  
TG: so for now it is a bye egbert  
TG: or somethin endearing since we are friends  
TG: sort of  
TG: anyway hows the sound of egdork  
EB: no surname is dorkier than strider, dave.  
EB: that is literally the dorkiest surname i have ever heard of.  
TG: fu  
TG: anyway bye  
EB: bye!

\-- turntechGodhead  [TG]  ceased pestering ectoBiologist  [EB]  \--

* * *

\-- gardenGnostic  [GG]  began pestering tentacleTherapist  [TT]  \--

GG: hey rose!  
TT: Hello, Jade.  
GG: so todays the big day  
TT: Yes.  
TT: I have messaged John, but I am still waiting for a response from him.  
TT: As well as Dave, for that matter.  
TT: I know, I know, that is literally the entire extent of our friendship circle.  
GG: hehe  
GG: well until they stop whatever theyre doing you have me to comfort you!  
TT: I fully accept the ultimatum.  
TT: So, how can your undending enthusiasm complement me feeling the exact opposite?  
GG: the exact opposite?  
GG: you dont mean…  
TT: Yes, I do.  
GG: in numbers  
GG: how miserable is your life?  
TT: About five hundred negative thoughts per day.  
TT: Notwithstanding the fact that there is no good way for anyone to quantify what exactly counts as a thought.  
GG: thats a lot  
TT: Yes. It is.  
GG: how about some positive thoughts for a change?  
TT: Your attempts will be rendered futile, but nevertheless I accept them.  
GG: today is johns birthday  
GG: arent you happy that we finally turned into 4 13 year olds on 4-13?  
TT: I am mildly amused by the mathematical coincidence, but other than that I wouldn’t even count that as a positive thought.  
TT: It is a mere trivia fact.  
GG: aw rose youre no fun  
TT: I digress.  
TT: Believe me when I say that you cannot make me happy.  
GG: i refuse to believe  
GG: you can and will be an absolutely great friend with me someday!  
TT: Well, I refuse to believe what you believe.  
GG: maybe not now  
GG: maybe not with me  
TT: In that case, who does a supposed therapist have to turn to?  
GG: maybe john or dave  
GG: has any of them responded to you yet?  
TT: In fact, Dave has.  
TT: I suppose that in that case, I would prefer a chat with him to a chat with you.  
GG: alright bye rose!  
TT: Farewell, Jade.

\-- tentacleTherapist  [TT]  ceased pestering gardenGnostic  [GG]  \--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's idiotisms: You're not a true Homestuck fic writer until you have written about Rose and Jade's personalities horribly clashing.


	9. April 13, 2009 - "The New Universe"

\-- carcinoGeneticist  [CG]  began trolling gallowsCalibrator  [GC]  at 06:06 --

CG: IS THIS IT?  
CG: DID WE WIN?  
CG: IS THIS THE NEW UNIVERSE?

* * *

Karkat Vantas spoke the words into his communications device - a "speaker crab" that he had crafted during the times of Sgrub - and patiently waited for an answer.

He took time to look over wherever he was. From his Alternian perspective, it appeared to be a field for an unknown crop. He hadn't seen a lot of crops around, since most of them were outsourced and moved to different planets, and therefore he couldn't even begin thinking of what particular Alternian crop this could resemble, if any.

However, the colors of the scenery definitely offset him. The sky, for example, was covered in a ghastly blue and a bright red, seemingly due to the rising sun. The sun itself seemed red, but getting brighter with each second that passed, and there was always the sliver of chance that he might die if he didn't find a cover soon. The crop in question was bright golden, with a strange bubble-like tip. This color scheme was definitely not native to Alternia, and therefore there were only two possibilities: either a) this was another planet conquered by the Condesce, or b) this was indeed the new universe that was promised him.

At this point, unfortunately, not many things could pass through his thinkpan since Terezi had gotten back to him, and he had to attend to the ongoing conversation. He sighed and began conversing.

* * *

GC: 1 H4V3 NO R34SON TO B3L13V3 TH4T 1TS NOT  
GC: 1T LOOKS NOTH1NG L1K3 4LT3RN14  
GC: TH3 SUN 1S BL1ND1NG BUT SO F4R 1T DO3SNT S33M D34DLY  
CG: OH THAT'S RIGHT, THE SUN.  
CG: I WONDER WHAT'S UP WITH THAT.  
CG: IS THIS SOME SORT OF METAPHOR FOR A NEW BEGINNING?  
GC: 1T M4Y V3RY W3LL B3  
GC: TH4T 1S WH3N W3 CONF1RM TH4T TH1S 1S D3F1N1T3LY TH3 N3W UN1V3RS3 4ND NOT 4NOTH3R CONC3PT OF SGRUB OR 4NYTH1NG  
CG: WHOA, WHEN YOU THINK BACK SGRUB PUT US THROUGH A LOT OF THINGS.  
CG: IN FACT, I FEEL A BIT STRANGE EVEN THINKING ABOUT IT.  
CG: WAS THIS WHOLE 600 HOUR RIGMAROLE EVEN REAL?  
CG: CRAFTING NEW AMAZING WEAPONS, FIGHTING FOES, THE DRAMA OF THE TWO KINGDOMS, AND THE LIST COULD GO ON AND ON AND ON.  
CG: AND AFTER THAT, WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BECOME GODS OR SOMETHING?  
CG: I STILL DON'T FEEL ANYTHING DIFFERENT FROM THE TIME WHEN I WAS ON THE PLATFORM AND ALL.  
CG: I STILL CAN'T GODDAMN FLY LIKE VRISKA CAN.  
GC: L3T M3 TRY  
GC: Y34H M3 N31TH3R  
GC: 1 WOND3R THOUGH 1F 1 H4V3 4NYTH1NG ST4SH3D 4W4Y 1N MY SYLL4D3X  
CG: HOLY SHIT, THE SYLLADICES ARE STILL A THING?  
GC: 1T 4PP34RS SO  
GC: Y34H 3V3RYTH1NGS TH3R3  
CG: YOU MIGHT WANT TO BE MORE DELICATE WITH THEM, THOUGH, SINCE I DON'T THINK THIS PLACE HAS AN ALCHEMITER.  
GC: WH4T M4K3S YOU SO CONV1NC3D TH4T 1T DO3SNT :?  
CG: WELL, IT SORT OF DEPENDS ON IF:  
CG: A) THERE IS A CIVILIZATION ON THIS PLANET  
CG: B) THE CIVILIZATION HAS DEVELOPED SGRUB OR AN EQUIVALENT THEREOF  
CG: C) THE CIVILIZATION IS SMART ENOUGH TO ACTUALLY USE SGRUB AND NOT MAKE FOOLS OF THEMSELVES AND BE KILLED BY METEORS OR SOMETHING.  
CG: AND SO FAR WE HAVE CONFIRMED NONE OF THESE.  
GC: 4CTU4LLY 1 TH1NK TH3R3 M1GHT B3 4 C1V1L1Z4T1ON 4ROUND  
GC: 4S 1T ST4NDS R1GHT NOW 1 4M ON SOM3 SORT OF H4RD M4T3R14L  
GC: 4ND TH3 STR3TCH OF TH3 H4RD M4T3R14L 1S LONG 4ND TH1N  
GC: 1 DONT TH1NK TH4T COULD H4V3 3VOLV3D N4TUR4LLY  
CG: HANG ON, I THINK I SEE A SIMILAR STRUCTURE AROUND.  
CG: YUP, THERE SEEMS TO BE ONE THAT GOES RIGHT THROUGH THE CROP FIELD.  
CG: IS YOURS DASHED IN WEIRD WHITE PATTERNS?  
GC: 1 DONT TH1NK SO  
GC: 4LSO 1 DONT S33 4NY CROP 4ROUND  
GC: ONLY TR33S  
GC: 1T K1ND OF R3M1NDS M3 OF TH4T ON3 T1M3 WH3N 1 W4LK3D 4ROUND  
CG: AND GOT YOURSELF BLINDED?  
GC: ...  
GC: Y3S  
CG: HMM.  
CG: MAYBE IT'S ANOTHER METAPHOR.  
CG: GOD, THIS GAME REALLY LIKES METAPHORS, EVEN WHEN IT'S OVER.  
GC: 1S 1T OV3R  
GC: W3 H4V3NT S33N 4NY SORT OF G4M3 OV3R SCR33N OR 4NYTH1NG  
CG: WHAT WOULD THAT EVEN IMPLY WHEN THE GAME LITERALLY CONSUMES US WHOLE AND VOMITS US INTO PLANETS IT CREATES FOR US?  
GC: 1DK  
CG: ALRIGHT, FILE THIS UNDER "STUFF TO FIGURE OUT COLLECTIVELY, WHENEVER THE NEW UNIVERSE PRESENTS US WITH MORE SHIT FROM ITS GAPING HOLE".  
CG: UNTIL THEN, I SUPPOSE THE ONLY COURSE OF ACTION IS TO FOLLOW THE GRAY CONCRETE STRUCTURE.  
GC: DO YOU SUPPOS3 TH3R3S 4NY CH4NC3 TH4T OUR GR4Y CONCR3T3 STRUCTUR3S M1GHT CONN3CT  
CG: HUH.  
CG: THE WHOLE THING SEEMS TO BE RIDICULOUS.  
CG: THAT THE CIVILIZATION OF THIS PLANET SEEMS TO BE FOCUSED ON MAKING THESE STRANGE STRUCTURES.  
CG: THEY DON'T EVEN SHOOT UP INTO THE SKY!  
CG: WHOA WHAT WAS THAT  
GC: WH4T W4S WH4T  
CG: SOME SORT OF WEIRD FAST-MOVING CREATURE WHIZZED PAST ME ON MY OWN GRAY CONCRETE STRUCTURE.  
CG: OH WHOA THERE'S ANOTHER ONE.  
CG: TEREZI, I DON'T THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA TO ACTUALLY STAY ON THESE STRUCTURES.  
GC: 1 DONT S33 4NY F4ST-MOV1NG PROJ3CT1L3S  
GC: OR 4NY S1GNS OF S3NT13NT L1F3 FOR TH4T M4TT3R  
GC: W3LL B3S1D3S TH3 STRUCTUR3 OF COURS3  
CG: WELL, I DON'T KNOW, IN THAT CASE JUST STAY WARY AND WALK ALONG YOUR STRUCTURE.  
CG: THEN I'LL WALK ALONG MINE.  
CG: UNDERSTOOD?  
GC: UND3RSTOOD  
CG: ALRIGHT...  
CG: HOLD UP, I SEE SOMETHING IN THE DISTANCE.  
CG: LOOKS LIKE A SIGN.  
CG: HANG ON WHILE I GET CLOSER.  
GC: Y34H M3 TOO  
GC: 4LLOW M3 TO 3X4M1N3 M1N3  
CG: UH...  
CG: WHAT ON ALTERNIA IS A "BOSTON"?  
GC: WH4T 1N TH3 N4M3 OF OUR UN1V3RS3 1S 4 "PH1L4D3LPH14"  
CG: DON'T ASK ME.  
GC: 4U CONTR41R3  
GC: 4NYW4Y WH4T3V3R TH1S 1S 1 H4V3 D3T3RM1N3D TH4T 1TS CONF1RM4T1ON TH4T OUR SP3C13S D3F1N1T3LY 1S 1NT3LL1G3NT  
GC: WOW TH3Y DO SUR3 H4V3 4 W4Y W1TH TH31R 4RT  
CG: I DON'T KNOW, MINE SEEMS TO BE PLAIN AND DUMB.  
CG: YEAH, SO...  
CG: THE SIGN SAYS TWO MILES.  
CG: I EXPECT THAT TO BE TWO MILES UNTIL I REACH THE PLACE WHICH THE INHABITANTS OF THE PLANET HAVE DUBBED WITH THIS IDIOTIC-SOUNDING NAME.  
CG: STILL HAVE NO IDEA HOW LONG THEIR MILES ARE BUT WHATEVER.  
CG: I'LL LET YOU KNOW WHEN I REACH IT.  
CG: TEREZI, PROMISE ME YOU'LL STAY WARY.  
CG: UNDER A DIRE CIRCUMSTANCE LIKE THIS, I CONTINUE MY ELECTED POSITION AS A BEING OF SUPREME LOGIC AND COMMAND.  
CG: OTHERWISE KNOWN AS A LEADER.  
GC: 1 PROM1S3  
CG: BRB.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] at 06:41 --

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] at 06:41 --

CG: HOLD UP  
CG: ONE MORE THING.  
CG: WHAT IS THAT WEIRD NUMBER STRUCTURE THAT NOW FOLLOWS OUR "BEGAN/CEASED TROLLING" MESSAGES?  
GC: 1 B3L13V3 1T TO B3 TH3 C1V1L1Z4T1ONS M34NS OF TR4CK1NG T1M3  
CG: WHY WOULD ALTERNIAN TECHNOLOGY ADOPT A MEANS OF TRACKING TIME THAT IT WAS NEVER PREVIOUSLY AWARE OF.  
GC: 1T M4K3S CONQU3ST OF OTH3R PL4N3TS 4 LOT 34S13R  
GC: 4ND B3S1D3S K33P1NG TR4CK OF D1FF3R3NT L3NGTHS OF D4YS H3LPS YOU 4D4PT 4 SL33P1NG SCH3DUL3 F4ST3R  
CG: OH HEY THAT REMINDS ME  
CG: I NEVER WOKE UP ON PROSPIT, DID I.  
GC: NOP3  
CG: I WONDER IF IT'S STILL THERE.  
GC: DO3SNT S33M TOO UNR34SON4BL3 TO TH1NK SO  
CG: ALRIGHT, THAT SETTLES.  
CG: AS I SAID, TALK TO YOU WHEN I REACH THE BOS...  
GC: BOSTON :?  
CG: YES.  
CG: AND WHAT WAS YOURS?  
GC: PH1L4D3LPH14  
CG: YEAH, TRY AND SEE IF YOU CAN ACCESS THAT.  
CG: ALRIGHT, CHECK YOU LATER.  
GC: S33 YOU

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] at 06:52 --

* * *

Metaphorically putting his speaker crab down (there wasn't anywhere to actually put it down, for one), Karkat continued walking towards the "Boston" place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's idiotisms: The main news I have to post is this: there won't be a Calliope's Update Girl - Book Two. Instead, I'll be continuing the story as a Tumblr blog: [calliopes-update-girl](http://calliopes-update-girl.tumblr.com/)
> 
> I have content scheduled for midnight between the 12th and the 13th Eastern.
> 
> Oh, and I almost forgot to mention: **I am no longer accepting submissions for self-inserts**. You should get plenty of interaction with the blog's ask form.


	10. 2010 - "Misaimed Messages"

\-- ectoBiologist1  [EB]  began pestering turntechGodhead  [TG]  \--

EB: hey dave!  
EB: it’s still me, john egbert.  
EB: it’s just that i couldn’t connect as ecto biologist, period, since that chumhandle was apparently taken by someone already.  
EB: who would be so rude as to hog my chumhandle?  
TG: yo sup to my coolest bro ever egderp  
TG: i am so cool that i have grown beyond the need of a question mark  
TG: except not??  
TG: im complicated  
EB: ...  
EB: something’s wrong.  
TG: with you being the most shitheaded shithead ive ever met  
EB: i mean, maybe yeah.  
EB: maybe i AM a bit closed minded.  
EB: after all, i thought i was the only john egbert on earth for the longest time.  
TG: you may not be the only egderp but youre my only egderp  
TG: come here and bro smooch me until i pass out  
TG: in a bro way  
EB: uh...  
EB: i’m sorry to interrupt you like that, but usually, your rants carry a little more weight than this.  
EB: also, it’s probably unlike you to just openly state your feelings.  
EB: you’re a coolkid, right?  
TG: yeah  
EB: coolkids don’t show emotion.  
EB: you told me repeatedly, right?  
TG: i suppose  
TG: what was it that we are chatting about day to day  
EB: dave, i think you should know that.  
TG: well maybe it is a coolkids duty to forget  
EB: i’m sorry to ask this, but...  
EB: dave, is this really you?  
TG: ((Sorry for being so OOC.))  
EB: um...  
EB: what is ooc?  
TG: ((Out of Character.))  
EB: and what is with the double brackets?  
TG: ((Also Out of Character.))  
TG: ((You do realize you shouldn’t be responding to me without them, right?))  
EB: so...  
EB: ((you want me to do this?))  
TG: ((Yes.))  
EB: ((i guess i’ll humor you.))  
EB: ((so, what’s the deal?))  
EB: ((who are you and why are you on dave’s chumhandle?))  
TG: ((You can call me SH.))  
TG: ((And I’m on Dave’s chumhandle because...))  
TG: ((I guess he’s my favorite kid?))  
TG: ((I’ll probably switch to a troll once we learn more about them.))  
EB: ((what kind of name is SH?))  
TG: ((It is an abbreviation of my full name.))  
TG: ((And also my chumhandle when I’m not roleplaying.))  
EB: ((roleplaying?))  
TG: ((You know, the whole biz with pretending to be Dave.))  
EB: ((how do you know dave anyway?))  
TG: ((He’s a Homestuck character?))  
TG: ((I’m not sure what angle are you approaching this from.))  
EB: ((nevermind.))  
EB: ((i am getting more confused by each of your words, so…))  
EB: i’m dropping the parentheses, since i don’t even want to be in the know.  
TG: It’s alright.  
TG: We can chat without the parentheses if you want, as long as we realize that we’re both OOC.  
TG: Which frankly should be obvious from the way I’m typing, which isn’t like Dave, since I’m using capitalization and punctuation.  
EB: no, i said i don’t want to be in the know.  
EB: i just want the real dave strider to chat with me.  
TG: You’re confused.  
TG: He doesn’t exist.  
EB: no, sorry, i have to end the conversation here.  
EB: goodbye!  
TG: Goodbye, I guess?

\-- ectoBiologist1  [EB]  ceased pestering turntechGodhead  [TG]  \--

* * *

\-- turntechGodheda  [TG]  began pestering ectoBiologist  [EB]  \--

TG: yo sup john  
TG: i suppose youre probably wondering why my chumhandle is misspelled  
TG: well ill tell you how it is  
TG: and by that i mean how it REALLY is  
TG: here goes the hardest truth droppin in the history of our friendship  
TG: some asshole janked my chumhandle like it was just lying around wherever unused chumhandles go  
TG: like it looked straight into chumhandle dumpster and went  
TG: oh hey ill take this one  
TG: looks pretty cool and original and unused  
TG: well guess what this identity is daves property and daves only  
TG: hope the same has not happened to you  
EB: hey dave, i’m john!  
EB: and i…  
EB: like nic cage!  
TG: no you dont  
EB: oh, but i do!  
EB: he’s the swooniest movie star i’ve ever met.  
EB: (not saying that i actually have ever met a movie star, but you understand me.)  
TG: i guess i do  
TG: still isnt there that maconagey guy  
EB: oh yeah, matthew mcconaughey!  
TG: that  
EB: i love him too.  
EB: nic cage x matthew mcconaughey otp!  
TG: what  
EB: well, it’s my second otp.  
EB: you want to know what my first otp is?  
TG: whats an otp  
EB: one true pairing, duh!  
TG: in that case how can you have two  
EB: because it’s just a phrase.  
TG: whatevs  
TG: whats your first otp  
EB: lean in closer, i’ll whisper into your ear.  
TG: alright  
TG: *leans in closer or whatever*  
EB: it’s me and you.  
TG: *spits aj all over*  
TG: good one john  
TG: at first i thought you were a fake what with not knowing shit about nic cage and matthew horsenoise  
TG: not to say shippin them even though their collective offspring are simply beyond the reach of human imagination  
TG: but this prank is beyond his level  
TG: john if this is you then you got all the prankster gambit you could earn from me  
TG: im empty  
TG: whats your next advance  
EB: hmm.  
EB: sorry, i got nothing.  
TG: alright nevermind im ringing the fake john bells once again  
TG: i thought you could pull my prankster gambit into the negatives but alas this is not the case  
TG: on the subject of that  
TG: what kind of word is that even  
TG: alas  
TG: and an english one at that  
TG: i really thought it was some weird australian aboriginal language but no im supposed to use that word  
TG: i dont want it  
TG: no one in any english speakin country wants it  
EB: i want it.  
TG: sorry john but this time it was expected from you so no more prankster gambit points for you  
TG: i mean not john since john is probably ecto biologist one  
TG: the one standin for the one and only  
TG: imma message him just in case  
TG: in that case bye to you  
EB: bye!  
TG: at least you can say bye properly  
TG: at any rate peace 

\-- turntechGodheda [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] \--


	11. December 1, 2014 - "Inaugural Memo"

CURRENT aperturescienceBusinessmagnet [CAB] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board HOMESTUCK CHARACTER SUPPORT GROUP.

CAB: Here we go  
CAB: The inaugural memo of the Calliope on the Update Gravestone fan chatroom  
CAB: Which I just so happened to name after the chatroom in CotUG, because that was the first thing that I thought of  
CAB: Which will definitely not come back and bite me later, because Homestuck characters do not literally exist  
CAB: Also, given that Pesterchum is an IRC chat client in disguise, such minutiae as “memos” and “boards” become meaningless  
CAB: I suppose I should say a few words before anyone starts writing here  
CAB: I see that people have come here, and yes, it would be better if you kept silent for now  
CAB: I dedicate this memo to  
CAB: No one in particular  
CAB: Because I haven’t got any close friends who would care about my story  
CAB: That is the reason why I created this memo  
CAB: To get acquainted with my own fans and hopefully to make some new friends  
CAB: Because let’s face it  
CAB: The premise of CotUG is quite depressing and probably reflects my personality  
CAB: And there is nothing I can do about it outside of founding the memo  
CAB: This is my final reasoning  
CAB: And that concludes my final toast  
CAB: You may now speak  
CURRENT unstopableSmiley [CUS] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CUS: Well, I don’t know of toasts or breads or depressings, but you said it well!  
CUS: We should just speak.  
CAB: Yes  
CAB: We should  
CAB: And also, I keep forgetting how to talk to non-native English speakers  
CURRENT genericTranslator [CGT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CGT: i know right XD  
CURRENT draconianNeptune [CDN] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CDN: what are we speaking about though??  
CAB: I don’t know  
CAB: Something  
CAB: When John and Jade founded the original Support Group memo that this is named after, it’s not like they jumped into memo space from a contextless realm  
CAB: We do share a common cause, after all  
CAB: And that is Calliope on the Update Gravestone  
CURRENT cryptologicalMystic [CCM] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CCM: I think I got a topic!  
CCM: What was your favorite part of Update Gravestone and why?  
CAB: Are you asking that to everyone  
CCM: I suppose!  
CAB: Including me  
CCM: Including you.  
CAB: Well, I wrote a lot during this past NaNoWriMo  
CAB: So there’s probably a lot of garbage  
CAB: Garbage known as the whole read of Homestuck idea  
CURRENT scatteredPhilosopher [CSP] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CSP: Already switching ideas?  
CAB: I don’t know  
CAB: Calliope on the Update Gravestone IS two months old  
CAB: And already I don’t like certain stuff  
CAB: Stuff like “why did I have to make up an elaborate AU where the Homestuck fandom is much smaller”  
CAB: If anything, the fandom is one of the crucial parts of Homestuck  
CAB: Other works of fiction like books and movies are created all at once, and then their fandoms are eternally separate from them  
CAB: Homestuck, on the other hand, relies on its fandom to produce content  
CAB: And since I removed that part, now I have to think about how the Homestuck text changes according to that too  
CAB: Calliope and Caliborn being the biggest part  
CAB: They basically are Homestuck’s fandom and anti-fandom respectively  
CAB: And then they basically clash together and annihilate each other  
CAB: And there’s this free energy that I have to assign to something  
CAB: What could it be  
CAB: I am out of ideas  
CAB: Maybe I will switch gears entirely  
CAB: Maybe I will bring you all a different fanfic to read  
CAB: One that doesn’t rely on me generating terrible ideas and then actually putting them down because the Office of Letters and Light said so  
CAB: Before it decided to confusingly rename itself to “National Novel Writing Month”  
CUS: Don’t worry, Magnet!  
CDN: yeah if anything it will all work out one day.  
CURRENT gsunnyDragonlover6 [CGD] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CGD: keep writin an we will keep on readin  
CGD: that is always the spirit  
CURRENT savvyKiddo [CSK] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CSK: Whoop, that’s everyone saying everything motivational…  
CAB: There will be plenty of motivation in the future  
CAB: In my experience, my fics only last for about a year  
CAB: Let’s see if that can be extended by the power of friendship  
CGT: friendship team unite XD  
CCM: Indeed!  
CCM: Only through unity can we achieve greater goals.  
CGD: hooray for friendship!  
CDN: hooray indeed  
CAB: Nice to see that everyone agrees  
CAB: Anyway, that’s my least favorite CotUG moment  
CAB: The premise  
CAB: The best one is probably Dave and Karkat’s interaction  
CAB: I know, I know, I officially established that Karkat and Caliborn are in a romance  
CGT: XD  
CGT: you just reminded me of one of the best moments  
CAB: So now I know a little more about you  
CAB: But Dave and Karkat’s personalities just sort of stick with each other like puzzle pieces  
CAB: Even when they’re far from the confines of Homestuck and instead are in the confines of my own story  
CUS: Same characters in different situations still are the same relationships…  
CUS: It’s not surprise!  
CAB: It’s no surprise indeed  
CUS: Okay, noted!  
CGT: anyway heres the best moment  
CGT: when caliborn first sees a pesterlog and hyperreacts about it  
CAB: Oh man  
CAB: That is a good moment  
CAB: Now I know why I have written this story  
CUS: And why you will continue write it!  
CGT: yeah go asbm XD  
CSK: To more character developments!  
CDN: to more good moments  
CGD: to more not so good moments :P  
CCM: May your creativity flow.  
CSP: And most importantly, may we have a nice time while in this chat!  
CAB: Couldn’t have said it any better  
CAB: I am sure I will have all of these things and more  
CAB: As long as I have you to read, comment and subscribe  
CAB: I mean follow me  
CAB: This isn’t YouTube  
CAB: (to say nothing of my YouTube “career”)


	12. April 14, 2017 - I

_(Continued from[Calliope's Update Girl – Book One – Stage 4, Chapter 61](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2382974/chapters/5923637))_

CTT: I do not understand the motives for the profanity.  
CTG: cant even have a feelins jam with jade till aliens start buggin me  
CEB: we're not aliens, though...  
CGG: not you  
CGG: someone named karkat  
CUU: yeah, there is no place for me among hUmans...  
CUU: bye!  
CUU ceased responding to memo.  
CGG: wait calliope dont go!  
CGG: sigh  
CEB: oh, karkat!  
CEB: i remember that.  
CEB: he came over, read homestuck for a while with us, then i got angry over him and the green skull kid shouting all the time.  
CTT: Wouldn't that be Caliborn?  
CEB: yes.  
CEB: yes, he would.  
CTG: told you not to deal w/ calidouche  
CTG: but no  
CTT: Once you learn his weak spots, he becomes pretty tolerable.  
CTT: He doesn't stop cursing and generally acting like a petty kid, but he is at least somewhat tame.  
CTT: And by that I mean "he doesn't want to go on a murder spree".  
CTG: pfft  
CTG: if he went on a murder spree hed be in jail already  
CTG: no wait jail is for humans  
CTG: then hed be in area 51  
CGG: dave i understand that you get popculture very well  
CGG: but lets think realistically  
CGG: karkat is literally among us  
CGG: so are calliope and caliborn  
CEB: for the worse.  
CTT: We still have no explanation for how they are on Earth other than "Andrew Hussie suddenly made them come to existence".  
CTT: And, considering his penchant for explaining every mundane detail, he likely created another distracting reason, which is why they haven't been noticed up until the moment when they were recognized as Homestuck characters.  
CTG: which was when  
CTG: theres absolutely no dates on homestuck other than that it was started on 2009  
CTT: I suppose that there are.  
CTT: There are two main possibilities: either Homestuck was written in its entirety and published on the fateful day that coincides with the younger Egbert's thirteenth birthday, or it was updated sequentially.  
CGG: and???  
CGG: youre telling possibilities that do not mean anything to people like us who dont quite have the wits  
CTT: That is only my role within the universe as, uh...  
CTT: Hussie once called me a Seer of Light, but I don't know if the title has any merit.  
CTG: cmon obviously it does  
CTG: remember who were dealin with  
CTG: the fuckin  
CTG: knower of our fortune  
CTG: writer of our adventures  
CTG: obvs the title has merit  
CTG: i wonder if i have a title  
CTT: I believe he called you the Knight of Time.  
CTG: ...  
CTG: ok i take it back  
CTG: hes full of bullshit  
CTG: since when do i have anything to do w/ time  
CEB: it still seems to me that you keep trying to apply the things of us in-comic to us in-real-life.  
CTG: its called irl  
CTG: obviously  
CGG: dont  
CGG: alright this is way too early to discuss such stuff  
CTT: You are right.  
CTT: Until further notice, I will catalogue my thoughts in a document that I will make publicly available when I have finished it.  
CTT: In fact, I think that I will start writing it right now, as the discussion seems to be going nowhere.  
CTT: In that case, I am afraid I'll have to deliver a parting message.  
CEB: no, rose!  
CEB: everything's okay.  
CEB: we will figure everything out eventually.  
CTT: And when do you suppose this mysterious "eventually" time will come?  
CTG: idk  
CTG: eventually  
CTG: therell be a magic moment when everything will just click together and we will be able to claim  
CTG: we understand homestuck  
CGG: dave i think youre right  
CGG: well just know when the time comes!  
CEB: will be waiting in that case. ;)  
CTT: Waiting will be no good.  
CTT: The activity that I proposed at least will have some lasting value, as we will be able to discuss it as a more convenient means of presenting everything within Homestuck.  
CTG: a more convenient means of presentin everything within homestuck  
CTG: well allow me to present a revelation that will completely blow your mind  
CTG: like repeatedly  
CTG: until there is nothing to be blown  
CTG: but for now ill allow your brainpan to realize that such a document  
CTG: already exists  
CTG: http://mspaintadventures.wikia.com/wiki/MS_Paint_Adventures_Wiki  
CTG: bam  
CTG: perfect resource on everything homestuck and more  
CTT: Interesting.  
CTT: Hang on while I read further.  
CGG: i  
CGG: lets just conclude that dave saved the day  
CEB: well.  
CEB: i suppose that everything is concluded.  
CEB: so we simply read on ourselves and know what precisely happens to us, right?  
CTT: Actually, no.  
CTT: I have decided against indulging in the so-called "MS Paint Adventures Wiki" for one simple reason:  
CTT: Knowing everything ahead of time would spoil the story.  
CTT: And no one would like to mess the precious resource of time up.  
CTT: Is that right, Knight of Time?  
CTG: oh come on who cares about home alone or whatever  
CGG: home what?  
CTG: yes i just invoked the name of a movie thats a quarter of a century old  
CTG: lets watch the past unfold right before our fuckin eyes  
CTG: in before everyone leaves the town and were just hangin out in the eternal void  
CTG: while hussies lips and beard stare into us ever so slightly  
CEB: dave?  
CEB: i thought i was the one dropping references to movies that no one else cares about.  
CTT: This conversation has quickly become completely useless.  
CTT: Just... let me organize our knowledge before it deteriorates into nothing, okay?  
CGG: rose dont go!  
CGG: i just realized  
CGG: weve never talked all four like this in...  
CGG: pretty much ever :/  
CGG: its always two sided conversations  
CTG: thats the whole fun  
CTG: havin to guess what the other two are thinking  
CTG: or would be thinking if they were around  
CTG: part of the fun  
CTG: part of the sociology  
CTT: I believe that the term is "socializing".  
CTG: fuck  
CTG: sociology is your expertise right  
CTT: Correct.  
CEB: sociology.  
CEB: allow me to get it right.  
CGG: alright even i have to agree  
CGG: lets get on topic  
CGG: ive used this smiley way too much lately but it deserves repeating again  
CGG: :/


	13. April 14, 2017 - II

CTG: jade is right  
CTG: we need this shit to progress immediately  
CTG: quick  
CTG: organize  
CEB: in place!  
CTT: I'm waiting.  
CTT: Although, the idea of my own guide to Homestuck is still persistent.  
CGG: ok  
CGG: three  
CTG: 2  
CEB: one...  
CTG: now  
CTG: now is the time to have a discussion that will not derail by tangents  
CTG: and most definitely will not be interrupted by intruders  
CTG: alien or otherwise  
CURRENT aperturescienceBusinessmagnet  [CAB]  RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CAB: I hope you appreciate the fact that I am up at night, again, just to message you  
CTG: the fuck did i just say  
CTT: Where is the ban function again?  
CTG: i think caligood girl took it with herself to the metaphorical grave  
CAB: Uh, I kinda can't read at the moment  
CAB: But are these the beta kids' colors  
CEB: beta kids?  
CAB: Y'know, John, Rose, Dave and Jade  
CTT: Don't panic.  
CTT: I needed to get that out, because otherwise you just wouldn't listen to logic.  
CTT: I am merely saying that the fact that the stranger knows our names simply means that they are a Homestuck fan.  
CGG: yeah i figured  
CGG: some philosopher guy or girl already messaged me today  
CGG: before i got into this whole support group rigmarole  
CTG: next time just block them on the spot  
CGG: well i did  
CEB: yeah, i sympathize.  
CAB: Now scatteredPhilospher is talking about herself  
CGG: hey how did you know their nickname??  
CGG: are you hussie or something??  
CAB: I don't think we roleplayed since, like, a year ago  
CAB: And it certainly wasn't that involved  
CEB: roleplayed?  
CTG: yeah man   
CTG: sorry to break the news to yet another person  
CTG: but were not some dungeons & dragons fans  
CTG: were the real homestuck characters  
CTG: john egbert rose lalonde jade harley and myself dave strider  
CTG: and some others like carcat and calidouche  
CAB: Yeah, and I'm AnnaSophia Robb  
CTG: you mean carrie from carrie diaries  
CGG: like leslie from bridge to terabithia??  
CTT: The one who acted as Bethany Hamilton in Soul Surfer?  
CEB: you mean, you were violet beauregarde from charlie and the chocolate factory?  
CAB: I...  
CAB: What  
CEB: anna sophia, i never realized you were a fan of homestuck!  
CEB: you could really bring this thing to popularity, assuming you haven't already.  
CTG: cause this is what we need  
CTG: egderp hittin on his favorite movie stars  
CEB: i have a question, though...  
CEB: was the whole blueberry inflation part really weird for you?  
CEB: i mean, i would be hells of shocked and all if i was in your place, being the giant blueberry and all.  
CEB: well, the pretend giant blueberry, but you understand me.  
CAB: Alright  
CAB: This has to stop  
CAB: You immediately unveil yourselves for who you really are  
CEB: what?  
CGG: were not roleplaying......  
CEB: yeah, as we said, we're really from homestuck.  
CTT: There is nothing to unveil, as you already know that I'm Rose.  
CEB: if that is even a thing we can be?  
CTG: yeah annasophia you have to deal with the fact that famous meets fictional  
CAB: That was a joke, guys  
CAB: A joke  
CTT: Calm down, Miss Robb.  
CTT: Everything will be fine, as long as you're under the therapeutical custody of Rose Lalonde.  
CTT: I understand that each character that you played as suffered hardships of her own, and some of these hardships may have been reflected onto you as an actress.  
CAB: Oh my god  
CAB: I'll tell you what I really am then  
CAB: I am so  
CAB: Done  
CAB  ceased responding to memo.  
CEB: bye bye, anna sophia!  
CTG: dude didnt she tell you  
CTG: she is so done  
CTG: first name so  
CTG: last name done  
CGG: it isnt that either  
CGG: i sense that its just someone who doesnt believe that we are homestuck characters  
CTT: I see in retrospect.  
CTT: Though, why would anyone think of this precise memo name?  
CTT: It seems as if our visitor was there longer than us.  
CTT: Even though it would make no sense for a non-Homestuck character to ever visit this place.  
CTT: I don't even know how to make sense of the scene.  
CTG: come on think rose  
CTG: there are fans of homestuck right  
CTG: they like to pretend that they are us  
CTG: hence were bein accused of being such impostors ourselves  
CTG: obvs to facilitate this rp bs they created persterchum w/ memos  
CEB: isn't it open source fandom chat or something?  
CTG: yeah whatever  
CTG: and our sick fuck decided that it was super fun and game to imitate our scenario  
CTG: in which we uh  
CTG: discover that were homestuck characters  
CGG: way to get that headache of mine started again  
CGG: im not even going to bother with smileys  
CTT: Can we just discuss the real matter at hand?  
CURRENT grimmeAuxiliary  [CGA]  RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CGA: Excuse Me  
CGA: I Come Here Because I Believe That Someone I Knew In My Own Past Is Around  
CTT: And yet, more intruders.  
CGA: It Is You  
CGA: Rose Human Please Come With Me To The Realm Of Private Conversation  
CTT: Huh.  
CTT: I suppose that I will humor this intrusion, because the alternative is to discuss a person who may or may not be a star from the silver screen and not go anywhere constructive.  
CTT: It is a goodbye to my fellow pals, then.  
CTG: dammit rose  
CTT  ceased responding to memo.  
CGA  ceased responding to memo.  
CTG: and who was that  
CTG: liv tyler  
CGG: alright this is going nowhere  
CGG: since rose is no longer around to at least try and make sense of what happened around  
CGG: and the intrusions made us completely forget the matter at hand  
CGG: and theres no way of salvaging it  
CEB: alright, then.  
CEB: night, i suppose.  
CGG: night!  
CTG: ugh  
CTG: alright then  
CTG: peace  
CTG  ceased responding to memo.  
CEB  ceased responding to memo.  
CGG  ceased responding to memo.  



	14. April 14, 2017 - III

\-- grimmeAuxiliary  [GA]  began pestering tentacleTherapist95  [TT]  \--

GA: Rose Human  
GA: We Finally Meet In A Place Where We Are Cognizant Of Each Other And Able To Converse By Exchanging Brief Snippets Of Contextually Relevant Information  
GA: An Action More Colloquially Known As Talking  
TT: Are you suggesting that you already know of me?  
TT: I don't see how that is possible, barring the obvious case that you read Homestuck.  
GA: So Far I Have Not Indulged In Andrew Hussies Webcomic  
GA: But That Is Besides The Point  
GA: I Knew You From Earlier  
GA: Much Earlier  
GA: If I Had To Estimate It Was Eight Human Years Plus Some Six Hundred Hours Ago  
GA: Possibly Even More  
GA: My Memory Is A Bit Fuzzy  
GA: Given The Sobriety Of Life On Earth My Memories Of Alternia Feel More Like An Especially Strange Lucid Dream  
TT: Now I'm curious.  
TT: Please go on, in that case.  
GA: I Have Read A Document Written By You  
TT: I see.  
TT: Is it the guide to Homestuck that I was planning to write?  
GA: The Means By Which I Know Of You Have Nothing To Do With The Webcomic  
GA: It Is A Fact That I Am Stating So You Refrain From Asking More Stupid Questions  
TT: I apologize, in that case.  
GA: The Document In Question Is A Walkthrough  
GA: It Was Labeled As Belonging To A Game Called Sburb  
GA: But I Found It To Be Pretty Useful For A Seemingly Similar Game That We Played  
GA: Called Sgrub  
GA: Thus Creating Your Universe  
TT: Let's break your statement down, just to figure out every single way in which it does not make sense.  
TT: As far as I'm concerned, Sburb is not a real game, but rather a part of Homestuck, which you keep insistently ignoring.  
TT: Secondly, even if such a video game did exist, I see no way in which it could create universes.  
GA: The Collection Of Facts Remains To Be True Though  
GA: I And My Team Of Trolls Created Your Universe  
GA: Your Walkthrough Helped Us Achieve That Goal In Part  
GA: You Are A Part Of Your Universe  
GA: We Are Presently Exchanging Information In A Manner Known In Some Circles As Talking  
GA: Some Of This Information Concerns The Document In Question  
GA: Quod Erat Demonstrandum  
TT: (I'm not even going to mention how you used the same convoluted way to describe talking twice in the same conversation.)  
GA: (It Is Nothing To Worry About)  
TT: Could you at least propose a means of proof that you are indeed the supposed gods of your purported creation?  
TT: For example, by means of special powers?  
GA: That Is Going To Be Difficult  
GA: Because As Far As I Am Concerned We Did Not Receive Any Extraneous Powers To Manipulate Your Universe At Will  
GA: Besides The Powers That Sgrub Granted The Lucky One Of Us  
GA: Her Luck Is So Off The Charts You Wouldnt Even Believe Me If I Told You The Precise Level  
GA: Though It Was Bound To Happen Given That She Is The Thief Of Light  
TT: Hold on, Thief of Light?  
GA: Yes  
GA: Each Of Us Had A Title Granted To Us By Sgrub  
TT: Well, each member of my own meager team appears to have a title told to us by Hussie.  
TT: And I was simply colored suspicious, since his designation for me appears to be "Seer of Light".  
GA: Dont Hold Me Accountable  
GA: But I Believe That Within The Context Of Sgrub That Would Mean That You Could Foresee Every Opportunity That Could Arise From The Present Situation  
GA: And Therefore Decide Which One Is The Most Fortuitous  
TT: Interesting.  
TT: Just when I thought the title was something completely irrelevant to my greater purpose.  
GA: You Really Seem To Hold The Hussie Human On A Metaphorical Pedestal  
TT: Well, yeah.  
TT: I am a character of his webcomic, after all.  
GA: I Do Not Have Enough Information On The Matter For Myself  
GA: But There Is Some Reason To Believe That I Am One As Well  
GA: Nevertheless The Comic Continues To Be Irrelevant To The Greater Purpose  
TT: That's what I said.  
GA: My Apologies  
TT: Though, I don't know _why_ you keep dismissing the comic as irrelevant.  
TT: It is sort of responsible for my life.  
GA: For The Last Time My Group Is Responsible For Your Life  
TT: Actually, on second thought, there is as yet insufficient data for a meaningful distinction between the two.  
TT: I will be keeping tabs on Homestuck and informing you of any developments that occur, should any points of interest occur in the near future.  
TT: Until then, I just suppose that we should keep contact in some way.  
GA: That Will Be Easy  
GA: After All I Am Always On The Same Chumhandle  
TT: You are?  
GA: I Figured Out This Trick  
GA: Whenever Someone Uses An Obscure Misspelling Of What Once Used To Be My Trolltag They Will Always Be Consistent  
GA: Unlike The Original Forms Which Change Owners All The Time Due To Unexplained Phenomena  
TT: Perhaps to facilitate the consistently repeating roleplaying scenario, seeing as no Homestuck fan deserves to be "the real Rose Lalonde" more than another one?  
GA: Your Theory Actually Makes Pretty Good Sense  
TT: It is decided, then.  
TT: Just one last question before I collapse into the eternal void of the night, though:  
TT: What should I call you?  
GA: Kanaya Maryam  
GA: I Apologize For Not Mentioning This Extraordinarily Important Detail Up Front  
GA: Hopefully You Will Forgive Me In Future Conversations  
TT: It'll be okay, Kanaya.  
TT: In the meantime, keep on whatever you are doing.  
GA: Whatever We Are Doing Is Typically Decided By Our Leader  
GA: But As Of Lately He Has Become Especially Melodramatic  
TT: Then it's time to elect yourselves a new leader.  
GA: I Will Keep That In Mind  
TT: Alright.  
TT: In that case, good night, Kanaya.  
GA: Good Night Rose

\-- grimmeAuxiliary  [GA]  ceased pestering tentacleTherapist95  [TT]  \--


	15. April 15, 2017 - I

CURRENT unstopableSmiley [CUS] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board HOMESTUCK CHARACTER SUPPORT GROUP.  
  
CUS: Anyone?  
CURRENT draconianNeptune [CDN] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CDN: sup.  
CUS: You again?  
CDN: idek what to even think though  
CDN: i mean literally we run into each other all the time.  
CUS: That many is true...  
CDN: dont help that phillipines and indonesia are literally next to others when everythings considered.  
CUS: But when you think about it...  
CUS: It's partly ASBM fault too!  
CUS: He always wakes up and goes to sleep to talk to Americans...  
CUS: and now he is sleeping, again!  
CDN: haha yeah  
CDN: so anything on your mind?  
CUS: Not in particularly!  
CUS: At least not after 4/13 and the festivity that was putted up.  
CDN: oh man that was great i have to agree  
CDN: especially the whole part where he played hs songs to us live  
CDN: and lets not mention that i fell asleep with a smile on my face.  
CDN: but then the sobering relaization comes that we have to go on with our lives.  
CUS: Well, yes!  
CUS: And then we just sort of didn't go on yesterday.  
CUS: In that case...  
CUS: How of you been done since then?  
CDN: didnt quite catch that  
CDN: could you repeat but in diferent words?  
CUS: What were your events?  
CDN: better.  
CDN: well  
CDN: cant quite say I was in any events per se  
CDN: just living life thats it  
CUS: Disappointment...  
CUS: Then, we'll have to make our own events!  
CDN: yeah  
CDN: in all the terrible english glory  
CUS: That!  
CURRENT gallicksCalibrator [CGC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CGC: 1 W4S TOLD TH4T TH1S 1S WH3R3 HOM3STUCK CH4R4CT3RS H4NG OUT 4FT3R TH3Y R34D TH3 TH1NG  
CDN: the actual fuck?  
CGC: S4YS R1GHT 1N TH3 T1TL3  
CGC: HOM3STUCK CH4R4CT3R SUPPORT GROUP  
CGC: K4RK4T TOLD M3  
CUS: Wait, so you're actually Terezi?  
CGC: DUH  
CDN: ok its awesome and all that youre a hs character  
CDN: but the implication is that youre actually in a calliope on the update gravestone situation.  
CDN: cause this is the memo created *for* it.  
CGC: C4LL1OP3 ON TH3 UPD4T3 GR4V3STON3 >:?  
CUS: It's pretty much the ASBM story...  
CUS: where the Homestuck characters find, read and discuss Homestuck!  
CDN: and might i add that it got pretty far  
CGC: STORY  
CGC: OH COM3 ON 1TS SO OBV1OUS TH4T YOUR3 NOT HOM3STUCK CH4R4CT3RS  
CDN: um yeah?  
CGC: WH3R3 4R3 TH3 R34L ON3S 4T  
CGC: JOHN  
CGC: ROS3  
CGC: C4L1BORN  
CDN: one of these is not like the others.  
CUS: Have not seen someone like them around!  
CGC: HUH  
CGC: D1DNT QU1T3 C4TCH TH4T  
CDN: caliborn is basically a huge dbag and ive no idea why you want him along  
CGC: NOT YOU DUMP4SS  
CUS: You are the first Homestuck character we've seen!  
CGC: 4LR1GHT TH3N TH1S 1S TH3 WRONG PL4C3  
CGC: SORRY FOR BOTH3R1NG 1NNOC3NT HOM3STUCK F4NS  
CGC: (you 4r3 so gu1lty th4t you dont 3v3n h4v3 th3 sl1ght3st 1d34)  
CGC: BY3  
CGC ceased responding to memo.  
CDN: ok now that terezis gone  
CDN: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT  
CUS: Don't ask me...  
CDN: youre kinda the only witness  
CUS: Now you're using Tezzy words and...  
CDN: sorry  
CDN: see the point is..  
CDN: there is no way she could have found the memo  
CUS: Yes, there is!  
CDN: how?  
CUS: All the memos are publicly listed!  
CUS: We always see strangers that weren't part of the deal.  
CDN: that settles  
CDN: so  
CDN: how was your day?  
CURRENT aperturescienceBusinessmagnet [CAB] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CAB: First the beta kids and now this  
CAB: It's just too predictable  
CAB: Hi, by the way  
CDN: hello  
CUS: You mean you seen the beta kids?  
CAB: Um, yeah  
CDN: they did come here earlier  
CDN: that's what your saying  
CAB: Yes!  
CAB: Unbelievable  
CDN: whatd they say  
CAB: They kept being convinced they're the real deal  
CAB: But besides that, I didn't get anything in particular from them  
CAB: But come on, it's so obvious  
CAB: Does the date when I met them ring any bells?  
CAB: April 14, 2017?  
CUS: Yesterday?  
CUS: What are you suggest happened yesterday?  
CAB: How about a load of this  
CAB: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10726027/18/Calliope-on-the-Update-Gravestone-Book-One  
CAB: I just...  
CAB: It's so obvious it's not even funny  
CDN: so we *are* in a calliope on the update gravestone situation  
CAB: Except with an actual Homestuck fandom  
CAB: That story would be so good, I almost wrote that instead of what we have now  
CUS: Oh my god...  
CAB: Precisely  
CAB: The evidence was right under our noses  
CAB: How did I not realize it earlier  
CAB: I should have expected it right then and there  
CAB: I feel like such an idiot  
CDN: wait wait wait  
CDN: hold on.  
CAB: What?  
CDN: you never call yourself an idiot..  
CDN: you are always a bloody genius  
CUS: *And* you don't use question marks...  
CDN: or ellipses  
CDN: or shoutpoles  
CUS: Shoutpoles?  
CDN: cant remember the real term  
CDN: the ! things  
CUS: Oh, exclamation marks!  
CDN: that  
CAB: Everything's fine!  
CAB: You're just overreacting.  
CDN: ecaxtly what someone who has everything with them wrong would say.  
CUS: Are you possessed?  
CUS: That's the only way, I mean...  
CDN: actaully i wouldnt be surprised.  
CDN: i mean if the homestuck characters are real  
CDN: and some of them have powers  
CDN: who could it be though..  
CUS: I don't know, who can control minds?  
CUS: Is it Vriska?  
CAB: Let me remind you that Vriska's mind control can only put people to sleep.  
CUS: Someone more powerful, then...  
CDN: well it mostly is kids and trolls and cherubim  
CDN: idk honestly..  
CDN: i mean if caliborn could then wed be dead  
CUS: Caliborn can't even draw!  
CUS: Common.  
CDN: yeah but lord english..  
CUS: Has minions that do things for him...  
CDN: oh yeah..  
CDN: is it the condense?  
CDN: shes a troll and very technically alive  
CDN: least in the update gravestone universe  
CAB: OBEY.  
CUS: Wow...  
CDN: that answers it


	16. April 15, 2017 - II

CAB: Indeed, you have deciphered the mystery.  
CAB: As of approximately an hour ago, I am now serving Her Imperious Condescension, owner of the Betty Crocker and Little Debbie brands and an elected "Best Empress of Alternia" for 413,612 consecutive solar sweeps, on her quest to take over the Earth.  
CAB: In fact, you might recognize the transfer of allegiance as an action within Homestuck known as "going Crockertier".  
CAB: Any questions?  
CDN: crockertier derives from godtier  
CDN: since your not a godtier you cant be a crockertier.  
CAB: Not a question, but alright.  
CAB: Your statement derives from the false implication that the aforementioned transformation can only take place within the body of a fully realized Maid of Life.  
CDN: not necesarrily maid of  
CDN: er jane  
CUS: The word "tier".  
CUS: You can just call yourself a Crocker!  
CAB: I never said that I, in particular, have gone Crockertier.  
CAB: I just added the comparative remark so you have a point of perspective from which you can build your expectations.  
CDN: fuck he's taking sentences literally  
CDN: again.  
CUS: Again...  
CUS: Dammit!  
CDN: also whats comparative?  
CUS: Don't ask me...  
CAB: Now that this non-question has been processed, will any actual inquiries follow?  
CUS: Hang on while I find out what you meant...  
CAB: Ah. It seems that you were accustomed to a reality where I would deliberately simplify complicated matters for non-native English speakers, while failing to recognize that I, myself, am not from a country with English-speaking traditions.  
CDN: damn you typed that pretty fast.  
CAB: My typing speed, or thought speed, is literally nothing to worry about. It is expected for someone of the equivalent computing capacity of the unreleased Betty Crocker's Unreal Heiress Thoughtwave Tiaratop.  
CUS: No, but seriously, some reducing would be useful...  
CAB: Only when you have actual interrogative sentences.  
CAB: I mean questions.  
CAB: Are you satisfied with the new/old manner of speech?  
CDN: slightly better.  
CUS: Alright, so the Condense is real...  
CAB: You will not mock Her Imperious Condescension by calling her "the Condense".  
CAB: If you wish to employ a shorthand form of the Alternian empress's name, you will at least do it properly, as in:  
CAB: The Condesce.  
CAB: Second-to-last letter is a C, third-to-last letter is an S.  
CAB: Got it?  
CDN: wow..  
CDN: crocker asbm is sucky asbm  
CUS: That was a reference to Grimbark Jade, not Crockertier Jane...  
CDN: pfft  
CDN: miss homestuck trivia master pants  
CUS: Not funny!  
CDN: hey since crockertier jane is our fanfic writer..  
CDN: whos grimbark jade?  
CAB: That role has been filled in by Becquerel the omnipoterrier, a being that serves the role of the First Guardian of the Earth, and thus, by extension, the B universe.  
CDN: no way  
CDN: becs not even sentient how can he serve  
CUS: Actually, don't you think that an animal would be easier to control?  
CDN: sorry  
CAB: Questions only, please.  
CUS: If the Condesce...  
CUS: Is that right?  
CAB: Yes.  
CUS: If the Condesce is real, why didn't she make Earth a hellhole already?  
CAB: The full enactment of the Alternian empress's plans requires technology that is currently not available, seeing as an interloper has completely erased it from the existential timeline of the B universe as of 413 million years ago.  
CAB: Luckily for her, she and her newly acquired subordinates are resolving to re-acquire the lost technology, with which her goals might actually proceed.  
CDN: interloper?  
CAB: You might recognize him as the author of a webcomic that you are currently fans of, as I was, once.  
CAB: However, this time has since then passed away, and my current interest in the pictorial document is purely methodical and academical.  
CUS: Hussie dude?!  
CAB: Indeed, Andrew Hussie is the person's name.  
CAB: In addition to being the supposed "conjure[r of the] intrepid fantasyscape" that you know, he is also the manifestation of the cancer that was given to this universe.  
CAB: If you assume that this universe is a living being, which it indisputably is, the cancer would be analogous to the universe losing its reproductive capabilities.  
CDN: that is so wrong.  
CAB: Do not interrupt me.  
CDN: everyone knows the cancer is bec noir.  
CAB: That is mere trivia of Homestuck.  
CAB: Unfortunately, due to the creative liberties taken by Andrew Hussie, the credibility of Homestuck cannot be trusted in its fullest.  
CAB: In particular, even the fundamental assumptions about this universe's nature are wrong.  
CUS: So much red text...  
CUS: I don't think anyone uses that much red text so copiously...  
CDN: have you tried dave  
CDN: or kankri  
CDN: or arquius  
CDN: or y'know..  
CDN: crockertier jane??  
CUS: Sorry!  
CAB: What did I say about not interrupting me?  
CDN: oh come on  
CDN: at least let us talk!  
CAB: Can't you act at least a little scared and submissive?  
CUS: We're still not convinced, though...  
CDN: yeah youre pulling your rp baloney.  
CDN: how can you prove youre not??  
CDN: especially since you are still yourself rather than a hs character  
CAB: Didn't we agree not to participate in roleplay, though?  
CAB: Exactly one year, forty-one days, three hours, fourteen minutes ago?  
CDN: ok theres no way you just looked that up  
CAB: Sure did.  
CAB: Such trivial tasks require less than a millisecond for me.  
CAB: Did you already forget my superior computing capabilities?  
CUS: Sorry!  
CUS: We're total convinced.  
CUS: Everything's sorted now...  
CUS: (I so wish I could play games on your brand of console.)  
CDN: how do you hook up a screen to a human genius??  
CAB: And I am "total convinced" [sic] that I cannot fathom little children at all.  
CAB: Judging by your continued inanity, I have determined that you will not serve a role in my plan, and this entire conversation was merely enacted by a part of me that used to care about you.  
CAB: I will be interrogating Feferi.  
CAB ceased responding to memo.  
CDN: wow..  
CDN: just leave like that w/o so much as a goodbye  
CUS: I have a feeling we're in some sort of major story...


	17. April 15, 2017 - III

CDN: anyway  
CDN: how WAS your day?  
CUS: Nothing special.  
CUS: At least not since 4/13.  
CUS: We'll talk after a good week, right?  
CDN: alright fine  
CDN: why dont we discuss something else?  
CURRENT canceroGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CCG: I DON'T KNOW WHERE ELSE TO POST THIS.  
CCG: YOU LITERALLY WON'T COME TO THE TEAM ADORABLOODTHIRSTY MEMO, AND PESTERING YOU ALL ONE BY ONE JUST REMINDED ME HOW TEDIOUS THIS IS.  
CCG: AS WELL AS HOW WORTHLESS YOU ARE.  
CCG: SO I'M DROPPING IT IN THIS MEMO, SO THAT HOPEFULLY NOT ONLY THE TROLLS KNOW ABOUT IT, BUT OTHER HIVEBENT  
CCG: I MEAN HOMESTUCK CHARACTERS.  
CCG: THE BOTTOM LINE IS, I JUST RECEIVED A MESSAGE FROM HER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION HERSELF.  
CCG: SHE HAS ABDUCTED FEFERI AND HAS ANNOUNCED THAT I'M NEXT.  
CCG: IN CASE THE HUMAN GOD EXISTS, MAY HE HELP ME AGAINST THIS RUTHLESS TROLL.  
CCG: THAT'S THE MEMO.  
CCG: NOW JUST LET'S HOPE SOMEONE DISCOVERS IT, SINCE APPARENTLY MEMOS AREN'T LAID DOWN TO YOU ON THIS PESTERCHUM THING.  
CCG: THANK YOU.  
CUS: Karkay!  
CDN: just more and more hs characters  
CCG: DARK BLUE TYPING PERSON:  
CCG: I'M NOT GOING TO ASSUME YOUR GENDER, SINCE APPARENTLY HUMANS ON THE INTERNET HATE IT.  
CCG: I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU KNOW THAT I'M LAID DOWN ON SOMEWHERE ELSE AND THEREFORE YOU KNOW MY NAME  
CCG: BUT PLEASE, IT ISN'T SPELLED WITH A "Y" AT THE END.  
CUS: I was just being friendly!  
CCG: I SHOULD HAVE REALIZED IT SOONER  
CCG: YOU ARE NOT HOMESTUCK CHARACTERS.  
CCG: I CAN FEEL A CERTAIN FLAIR SURROUNDING THE KIDS, THE TROLLS AND EVEN THE CALI-PEOPLE AND HUSSIE.  
CCG: AND IT SEEMS THAT YOU JUST DON'T FIT.  
CCG: THEREFORE, I KINDLY ASK YOU TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE AND DON'T SHOW UP AGAIN.  
CDN: nuh uh  
CDN: we were here first  
CCG: LOOK AT THE TITLE OF THE MEMO.  
CCG: "HOMESTUCK CHARACTER SUPPORT GROUP"  
CCG: THAT MEANS HOMESTUCK CHARACTERS ONLY.  
CDN: hold on  
CDN: how do you know were not hs characters?  
CCG: YOU JUST BASICALLY CONFIRMED IT, ORANGE TYPING PERSON.  
CUS: Alright, Karkay, listen up, I just want to say you something...  
CCG: ONE, I AM NOT "KARKAY", ONCE AGAIN  
CCG: I AM KARKAT WITH A T AND I HOPE THAT YOU STICK YOUR "Y" INTO YOUR HUMAN SMELLY HOLE SO THAT YOU GET RID OF IT.  
CCG: TWO, I AM THE AMAZING LEADER OF THE TROLL GROUP.  
CCG: I THINK THAT'S ENOUGH REASON TO CONFIRM THE FACT THAT I'M TAKING NOTHING FROM YOU AND YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO SHOULD LISTEN TO ME.  
CCG: NOW, AS I SAID BEFORE, OUT.  
CUS: Alright, allow me explain...  
CUS: There's a story by our friend, a story named Calliope on the Update Gravestone...  
CCG: YOU LIKE FAN STORIES OF HOMESTUCK.  
CCG: THAT MEANS YOU ARE LITERALLY WORTHLESS HUMAN BEINGS.  
CCG: HUMANS BEING?  
CCG: IRRELEVANT  
CCG: ARE YOU GOING TO MESSAGE ME ART AS WELL, JUST AS NEPETA DOES?  
CCG: HOLY SHIT  
CCG: NEPETA'S BEEN A FAN OF HOMESTUCK ALL ALONG AND I JUST HAVEN'T REALIZED IT.  
CDN: you didnt allow anything tobe explained  
CDN: the point is that theres a memo in the story called "homestuck character support group" and thats why were here  
CDN: though its owner has been acting weird for some reason  
CCG: THEN WHY DO YOU LISTEN TO HI...  
CCG: UH...  
CCG: DAMMIT I FUCKED UP AGAIN.  
CCG: CURSE YOU, PESTERCHUM, FOR NOT HAVING ANY SORT OF VIEWPORTS.  
CUS: It's a he, no worry!  
CUS: And he said that he was interrogating Feferi and...  
CCG: WAIT  
CCG: IF I'M RIGHT, THAT MEANS THAT YOUR MEMO OWNER IS ALSO INVOLVED IN THIS CLUSTERFUCK SOMEHOW.  
CCG: DAMN, THIS IS GETTING MORE AND MORE CONFUSING.  
CCG: IT'S ALREADY PRETTY MUCH SGRUB LEVEL BULLSHIT GOING ON.  
CCG: DAMN, I MISSED THOSE DAYS.  
CCG: ANYWAY, IN THIS DIRE TIME, I RESERVE THE RIGHT TO BE THE SUPREME LEADER OVER THE TROLLS AND AGAINST THE CONDESCE AND YOUR MEMO LEADER AND STORY AUTHOR.  
CCG: I WILL FIGHT FOR THE FREEDOM OF THE ALTERNIAN TROLLS AND THE EARTH HUMANS ALIKE ON THIS PLANET, AND THE MAJORITY OF HUMANS WILL JOIN MY FORCES IN MY PURELY ALTRUISTIC GOALS.  
CCG: I WILL ONLY RESIGN TO DEFEAT ONCE MY BLOOD IS DRIPPING FROM MY DYING BODY AND I AM BREATHING MY LAST BREATHS.  
CCG: DAMN, I HOPE MY DREAM SELF IS STILL AROUND.  
CDN: just confirms that we definitely ARE in something  
CCG: YOU ARE LITERALLY OF ZERO CONCERN TO ME.  
CCG: YOU ARE PRETTY MUCH SIDE CHARACTERS.  
CCG: IF YOU ARE EVER KILLED, WHICH YOU MOST LIKELY WILL BE SOON, NO ONE WILL GIVE A SHIT.  
CUS: Our families?  
CCG: OH  
CCG: THE HUMAN TEAMS OF GENETIC RELATION AND CLOSE BONDING THAT YOU CALL "FAMILIES".  
CCG: FUCK THEM, FOR WHATEVER THEY HAVE DONE TO YOU.  
CCG: THEY'RE NOT HERE IN THIS MEMO, ARE THEY.  
CDN: ok stop.  
CDN: first youre thinking the humans wanna support you and then throw them to the trashbin  
CDN: and no offense but youre sounding like every other human dictator  
CDN: or troll dictator  
CCG: I AM NOT EVEN REMOTELY SOUNDING LIKE THE CONDESCE, THANK YOU.  
CCG: I THINK I KNOW THAT SHE IS ALL ABOUT OPPRESSION OF LOWER BLOOD CASTES AND OTHER SPECIES AND I AM FOR THE EQUALITY OF EVERYONE.  
CDN: hitler said the same about stalin..  
CCG: WHO THE FUCK ARE...  
CCG: OH, I REMEMBERED.  
CCG: THEY'RE THOSE TWO DUDES FROM HISTORY CLASSES NO ONE CARES ABOUT.  
CUS: We're up for an interesting fight...  
CURRENT turntechGodhaed [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CTG: sup everyone  
CTG: calicat  
CTG: and those two that i dont know  
CCG: I AM KARKAT.  
CCG: NOT KARKAY, NOT CALICAT AND MOST IMPORTANTLY NOT KARKITTY.  
CDN: sup dave  
CTG: now thats my homie  
CTG: anyway karkat  
CTG: how are your troll buddies  
CCG: THEY ARE NOT MY BUDDIES, THEY ARE ONLY MY ACQUAINTANCES.  
CCG: AND STOP TACKING THE WORD "TROLL" ONTO ANYTHING THAT EVEN REMOTELY HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME.  
CCG: IT'S CALLED CULTURAL APPROPRIATION, YOU KNOW?  
CUS: No, it's not...  
CCG: FUCK YOU.


	18. April 15, 2017 - IV

CDN: um  
CDN: youre not allowing anything to be explained..  
CTG: just so you know that this isnt my carbon copy  
CUS: Right!  
CUS: Davesprite, not Dave.  
CTG: the fuck is a davesprite  
CTG: is it like  
CTG: a soft drink by stridercorp  
CUS: It's nothing like that!  
CDN: since your reading homestuck as i presume  
CDN: how much do you want spoiled?  
CTG: go ahead and spoil me to the max  
CTG: spoil me more than even the queen of being spoiled veruca salt herself  
CTG: and its not creepy btw that you know that im readin homestuck  
CTG: not at all  
CTG: things are totally cool here in easthampton  
CCG: SO I TAKE IT YOU WILL CONTINUE IGNORING ME, AS IS THE CASE, FOREVER AND EVER, WHENEVER I WANT TO ACTUALLY SAY ANYTHING THAT IS VERY POSSIBLY RELEVANT TO WHETHER OR NOT YOU SURVIVE THE INEVITABLE BATTLE AGAINST OUR EMPRESS?  
CDN: wait.  
CDN: asbm is on HER side  
CDN: interrogating feferi and all..  
CDN: and since were his fans were also on HER side  
CDN: right??  
CCG: DON'T YOU GET IT?  
CCG: SHE WILL OBVIOUSLY MAKE A TROLL DYSTOPIA IN WHICH NO HUMANS EXIST, MAINLY BECAUSE SHE HERSELF IS A TROLL!  
CCG: SO ****OBVIOUSLY**** YOU, AS HUMANS, WANT TO DIG YOURSELVES A BUNKER AND BEGIN LIVING IN AN UNDERGROUND SOCIETY WHILE I PERSONALLY TACKLE THE CONDESCE WITH MY SICKLE AND EVERYTHING.  
CCG: (NOT ACTUALLY A BATTLE PLAN I HAVE, JUST IN CASE.)  
CTG: mind if i ask you what an asbm is  
CDN: our story author  
CCG: BASICALLY, SOMEONE WHO SOLD HIS SOUL TO OUR EMPRESS, AND WHO BY EXTENSION YOU SHOULDN'T CARE ABOUT.  
CUS: You can't tell us just to not care about someone we love hanging with!  
CCG: HANGING ON A ROPE, PERHAPS.  
CCG: UNLESS YOU MEAN HANGING *OUT*, IN WHICH CASE: NO, YOU DON'T.  
CTG: and here ladies and gentlemen karkat vantas presents a grade brainwashing  
CDN: so what did you say about not being a dictator??  
CCG: I AM NOT A DICTATOR.  
CCG: I AM JUST SOMEONE FIGHTING FOR THE REBELLIANCE THAT *WILL* FORM, SHOULD THE CONDESCE TAKE OVER YOUR PLANET, WHICH SHE TOTALLY WILL, WITH *HER* DICTATOR WAYS.  
CCG: BUT JUST BECAUSE SHE IS A DICTATOR, DOESN'T MEAN THAT I'M ONE.  
CUS: Alright, can we stop?  
CUS: No one's going to take over the world in the foreceable future...  
CTG: yes we can  
CTG: lets just support homestuck since this is what this is  
CTG: let me read  
CTG: \squints eyes  
CTG: group of characters supporting homestuck  
CCG: VERY FUNNY, DAVE.  
CCG: YOU KNOW VERY WELL THAT NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD UPHOLD HOMESTUCK AS HAVING ANY ARTISTIC VALUE.  
CUS: Actually, plenty of people would...  
CDN: hussie is a storytelling geinus and dont let anyone tell you otherwise  
CTG: my homies right  
CCG: RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNGH.  
CURRENT tentacleTherapist124 [CTT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CTT: I hope I'm not interrupting anything.  
CTG: sup rose  
CCG: THANK GOD, ROSE, YOU SAVED US FROM THIS HELL.  
CUS: Nice to meet you, Rose!  
CDN: hello rose.  
CTT: I see that you have quite the company.  
CTT: With so many individuals in a single memo, surely something must have been going on.  
CCG: MOSTLY IT WAS ME HANGING OUT WITH ASSHOLES.  
CCG: HERE, TAKE A READ OF THEIR SHITTY WORDS YOURSELF.  
CDN: hes been insisting that the condesce will take over the world.  
CDN: which i guess she WOULD but..  
CUS: I think we'll get along, especially since our friend is on her side and all!  
CTT: I don't see anything particularly "shitty".  
CTT: I just have a question on this friend's identity.  
CDN: as business magnet  
CDN: author of calliope on the update gravestone  
CTT: Isn't he the person who has the exact same streak on Duolingo as myself?  
CCG: YES, LET'S BASK IN RELATIONSHIPS NOBODY KNOWS ABOUT.  
CTG: you actually knew the intruder of yesterday personally  
CTG: so then why were we pretending that was annasophia robb and all  
CDN: annasophia robb??  
CDN: whats going on even  
CTT: Sometimes, harmless roleplay is nice.  
CUS: Except when it isn't!  
CUS: And I would like to remind you that we don't really allow roleplay in here...  
CCG: YES, AND AS I AM KARKAT, I *MUST* BE A ROLEPLAYER.  
CCG: RIGHT, RIGHT, FUCK YOU, I'M ABSCONDING THE HELL OUT OF THIS MEMO TO A MUCH BETTER ONE THAT I JUST CREATED RIGHT NOW.  
CCG: SAYONARA, SUCKERS.  
CCG: #HIVEBENT_CHARACTER_SUPPORT_GROUP  
CCG ceased responding to memo.  
CTG: its not an original memo idea if all you do is change one word to something that is still thematically similar  
CDN: that pxs reference  
CTG: px what now  
CUS: You sure want to be spoiled?  
CTT: Can we take this a bit more calmly?  
CTT: I want to see what Karkat is up to.  
CTG: ugh  
CTT: Also, since I almost forgot to mention.  
CTT: I have begun a Tumblr blog, in which John, Jade and you, Dave, are invited, just in case the Homestuck fans around here become insufferable and everything.  
CDN: we promise we WONT be insuferable pricks  
CTT: It doesn't matter.  
CTT: I cannot personally oversee everyone who comes to this memo, and besides, we Homestuck characters just want a bit more personal space.  
CTT: Well, except the trolls.  
CTT: Well, except Caliborn as well.  
CTT: The important matter is, this is a safe hub in case we desire a place on the Internet without you.  
CTT: http://calliopes-update-girl.tumblr.com/  
CUS: Calliope's Update Girl?  
CUS: That is brilliant!  
CUS: And so much inlike Calliope on the Update Gravestone.  
CDN: alright ill tell asbm.  
CTG: and what is the point  
CTG: to make this as complicated as possible  
CTG: just like homestuck itself  
CTG: the more i think the more i realize youre actually supporting homestuck  
CTG: in this group of supporting homestuck  
CTT: I am not "supporting Homestuck".  
CTT: I am simply taking a look at the Internet comic from a neutral perspective.  
CTT: Now, as I said, I should really get to Karkat's affairs.

* * *

CURRENT canceroGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board HIVEBENT CHARACTER SUPPORT GROUP.  
CCG: WELCOME, EVERYONE.  
CCG: I WILL RESERVE INTRODUCTORY WORDS WHEN I AM NOT THE ONLY PERSON WHO READS THEM.  
CURRENT tentacleTherapist124 [CTT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CTT: Karkat?  
CCG: FUCK YOU ROSE, YOU'RE NOT A TROLL, I DON'T WANT YOU HERE.  
CCG: THAT IS THE FIRST RULE OF MY MEMO.  
CCG: TROLLS ONLY.  
CCG: (AND NO CONDESCE, OF COURSE.)  
CCG: (DON'T WANT HER SNOOPING INTO MY AWESOME PLANS.)  
CCG: GOODBYE.  
CCG banned CTT from responding to memo.


	19. April 15, 2017 - V

\-- tentacleTherapist124  [TT]  began pestering canceroGeneticist  [CG]  \--

TT: Karkat, please.  
TT: You need to calm down.  
CG: FUCK YOU  
CG: GET OUT OF MY FUCKING PESTERCHUM FOR ONCE BEFORE I BAN YOU AGAIN.  
CG: THIS IS A COMMAND FROM AN ACTUAL LEADER.  
TT: I should have known that you were the melodramatic leader that Kanaya mentioned.  
CG: WHOA BACK UP  
CG: YOU ALREADY KNOW KANAYA??  
TT: From yesterday.  
TT: She insisted that I wrote a walkthrough for a game I never even played.  
CG: WELL, THAT'S FUCKING FINE AND DANDY.  
CG: SHE FINALLY GOT TO MEET HER IDOL.  
CG: AND ONE THAT ISN'T A PRETEND ROLEPLAYER.  
TT: That is nice.  
CG: ALRIGHT, WHAT ELSE DO YOU KNOW?  
CG: MAYBE I WILL MAKE AN EXCEPTION FOR YOU IN MY HIVEBENT CHARACTER SUPPORT GROUP MEMO BECAUSE YOU'RE ACTUALLY BETTER AT DISCUSSING THIS STUFF THAN EVERYONE ELSE.  
TT: Just after you threw a tantrum and left our memo, I linked everyone to a blog where I am gathering my experience on everything.  
TT: I was only wishing to extend an invitation to Calliope and the other kids, but it seems that you will be a valuable asset as well.  
CG: IF CALLIOPE, THEN WHY NOT CALIBORN?  
CG: I'M TELLING YOU, CALIBORN IS THE BEST FRIEND THAT ONE COULD HAVE.  
TT: Er...  
TT: What.  
CG: HE HATES ALL HUMANS JUST AS PASSIONATELY AS I DO, AND I THINK THAT THIS IS THE REAL THING THAT BONDS US IN THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MATESPRITSHIP POSSIBLE.  
TT: Are you seriously going to talk about your love life?  
CG: ALRIGHT, FINE, I'M LISTENING TO REASON.  
CG: UNLIKE LITERALLY EVERYONE ELSE.  
CG: JUST LINK ME TO THE BLOG.  
TT: http://calliopes-update-girl.tumblr.com/  
TT: There is a helpful about page, just so everything is perfectly clear between us.  
CG: ALRIGHT, HANG ON WHILE I READ.  
CG: [LOADING...]  
CG: I SEE.  
CG: I SEE THAT HUSSIE AND FUCKING CALIBORN ARE ON YOUR IMMEDIATE ENEMIES LIST.  
TT: I wouldn't say that.  
TT: I would say that our views conflict, and therefore I would rather this was a closed group where everyone agrees, rather than an open one where discussions quickly turn into shouting marathons.  
CG: UH HUH.  
CG: RIGHT.  
CG: (I AM STRATEGIZING, SO THAT YOU DON'T DECIDE THAT I SHOULD BE ON YOUR IMMEDIATE ENEMIES LIST AS WELL.)  
TT: I honestly try not to jump to hasty conclusions.  
TT: But it just so happens that Hussie's only care in the world is to produce the Internet comic and to monetize it, and Caliborn is willing to physically abuse Calliope.  
CG: IF CALLIOPE SUCKS AT BEING AN ALIEN, THEN THAT'S NOT MY FAULT.  
TT: And if she doesn't?  
CG: UH, I'M SORRY.  
CG: DO WHATEVER IS IN YOUR BEST INTERESTS.  
CG: SO, TO SUMMARIZE YOUR STORY:  
CG: YOU AND YOUR THREE FRIENDS MOVED TOGETHER TO THE SAME PLACE AS CALLIOPE AND CALIBORN, AND PRETTY MUCH ONLY THEN YOU LEARNED THAT YOU ARE HOMESTUCK CHARACTERS, JUST AS I AM.  
CG: AND THEN HUSSIE INSISTED THAT YOU READ HOMESTUCK, EVEN THOUGH MOST OF YOU WOULDN'T HAVE AGREED, BUT HE FORCED YOU.  
CG: YOU WANTED TO WRITE A GUIDE ON HOMESTUCK, BUT YOU LEARNED THAT A GUIDE ALREADY EXISTS, SO YOU INSTEAD FOUNDED THIS BULLSHIT SUPPORT GROUP.  
CG: I MEAN... JUST "THIS SUPPORT GROUP".  
CG: NO BULLSHIT INVOLVED.  
TT: The support group wasn't my idea.  
TT: If I recall correctly, John came up with the idea when he was talking to Calliope, since she was the most hurt by Homestuck and Hussie of all.  
TT: Eventually, they with Jade conceived the idea of using a Pesterchum memo.  
TT: However, due to a badly picked name, we also ended up facing fans of a Homestuck fan story face front.  
TT: Therefore, I moved everything to Tumblr.  
TT: I did my best to inform of this change, but I haven't received much in terms of response.  
CG: ALRIGHT, AND NOTHING ON TUMBLR WILL CONFLICT, RIGHT?  
TT: As far as I'm concerned, no.  
TT: The right to publish content on the blog is password-protected.  
TT: It's only Internet Relay Chat that causes problems, as there are no set usernames.  
TT: Especially since we're sort of celebrities.  
CG: RIGHT.  
CG: LET'S KIND OF REMEMBER THAT.  
CG: AND A GUIDE TO HOMESTUCK ACTUALLY EXISTS.  
TT: Yes.  
TT: I am refraining from reading it, though, as I would rather experience the Internet comic firsthand.  
CG: NO, JUST HUMOR ME.  
CG: HAVE YOU HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS?  
CG: http://mspaintadventures.wikia.com/wiki/Rose%27s_walkthrough  
TT: The page implies that I played the game called Sburb, which, once again, doesn't exist over here, or rather, exists as Homestuck.  
TT: And especially there was no such game in 2009.  
TT: I hardly even imagine such a game existing with the technologies of 2017, and that is saying something.  
CG: AND HERE WE GO WITH THE GODDAMN HUMAN SWEEP WHEN I APPEARED ON THE EARTH.  
TT: Don't you have your own story to tell?  
CG: SIGH.  
CG: HERE GOES.  
CG: WE ACTUALLY DID PLAY A GAME CALLED SBURB, OR IN OUR CASE, SGRUB.  
CG: IN DOING SO, WE CREATED YOUR UNIVERSE.  
CG: BUT THEN I PERSONALLY FUCKED SOMETHING UP AND THE GAME GLITCHED.  
CG: IT WAS SUPPOSED TO SEND US TO YOUR UNIVERSE SO THAT WE RULE YOU OVER AS GODS.  
CG: BUT INSTEAD IT JUST THREW US IN AS WE WERE.  
CG: VRISKA WAS STILL GOD TIER, AND WE HAD THE COOL WEAPONS, BUT WE ALREADY HAD THEM IN SGRUB, AND THE NEW UNIVERSE GRANTED NOTHING.  
TT: Wouldn't she be the Thief of Light?  
CG: WHY, YES. YES, SHE WOULD. HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?  
TT: From the conversation with Kanaya.  
CG: OH, SORRY.  
CG: SO WE SPENT EIGHT HUMAN SWEEPS FUCKING AROUND AND IMAGINING THAT WE CAN INTEGRATE OURSELVES INTO THE HUMAN SOCIETY, WHEN IT WAS SO PAINSTAKINGLY OBVIOUS THAT WE COULDN'T.  
CG: SO BASICALLY, NOTHING HAPPENED DURING THAT TIME.  
CG: THEN ON APREL 13TH, I DISCOVERED THAT THERE IS SUCH A THING AS HIVEBENT/HOMESTUCK.  
TT: I think you mean "April".  
CG: I MEAN WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT TO MEAN, SHUT UP.  
CG: AND YEAH.  
CG: I WANTED TO SORT SHIT OUT WITH MY FELLOW TROLLS, BUT NONE OF THEM WOULD LISTEN, SO I INSTEAD CAME TO EASTHAMPTON, WHERE I MET YOU.  
CG: AND THE REST IS HISTORY.  
TT: And lastly, those others, besides Kanaya and Vriska, would be...?  
CG: NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.  
TT: Very well.  
TT: I shall discover them anyway, as they are as involved in the matter as you are.  
CG: FUCK YOU  
CG: YOU'RE STAYING OUT OF TEAM ADORABLOODTHIRSTY FOREVER.  
CG: WE DON'T NEED A THIRTEENTH MEMBER WHO DOESN'T KNOW US PERSONALLY.  
TT: In that case, you're staying out of the Homestuck Character Support Group for the time being.  
CG: AND HOW'S THAT FAIR???  
CG: YOU ARE NOT A TROLL AND DIDN'T PLAY SGRUB, SO YOU DON'T GET IN MY TEAM.  
CG: I, HOWEVER, AM IN HOMESTUCK AND SHOULD GET IN YOUR SUPPORT GROUP.  
TT: I shall not extend my invitation until I know you're trustworthy.  
TT: I really don't want a schism to happen in which the humans and the trolls treat each other as enemies, but I am not ignoring every troll; just you.  
CG: ALRIGHT, THAT'S IT.  
CG: YOU DON'T WANT TO LET ME IN YOUR GROUP, THEN STAY OUT OF MY LIFE FOREVER.  
CG: PIECE OF SHIT WITH A THINK PAN CROWBAR.

\-- canceroGeneticist  [CG]  blocked tentacleTherapist124  [TT]  \--


	20. April 15, 2017 - VI

CTT ceased responding to memo.  
CTG: right  
CTG: so ill just have to accompany myself in non homestuck characters  
CTG: guess im actually a minority  
CTG: the lone homestuck character among homestuck fans  
CUS: That are the case.  
CDN: make yourself at home  
CTG: stuck  
CTG: yeah i know  
CTG: now that im dealin w/ homestuck i will forever be condemned to hear this joke over and over  
CTG: i wonder if theres any more homestuck jokes  
CDN: homestuck is shit  
CTG: wait what  
CTG: homestuck fans really say homestuck is shit  
CTG: do they also like it ironically  
CUS: All thanks to you!  
CTG: wow  
CTG: now im really into whatever the hell this is  
CTG: let me just brb and deliver a theory on something  
CDN: nah dont go yet  
CTG: youre right  
CTG: some later date  
CURRENT genericTranslator [CGT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CGT: hi XD  
CTG: sup  
CTG: let me guess  
CTG: not a homestuck character  
CGT: let me guess  
CGT: not a homestuck character either XD  
CGT: roleplay's banned, you know  
CDN: um..  
CTG: how many people are we going to get this over with  
CTG: i am not a roleplayer  
CTG: i am tom strider real deal  
CTG: i mean dave  
CTG: why would i ever say tom in any context that isnt tom & jerry  
CTG: proof  
CUS: Tom?  
CTG: ive been saying im tom just so people dont bother me  
CTG: because its impossible to convince anyone youre dave  
CTG: people will be like  
CTG: like the homestuck character dave strider  
CTG: no way you cant be the homestuck character he doesnt exist  
CTG: even when i show the id its like  
CTG: nice cosplay and photoshopping skills dude  
CTG: well then fuck you lets just say my name is tom and be done with it  
CTG: that shuts them up  
CTG: but since this is kinda meant for homestuck characters lets just forget about tom  
CTG: i am dave  
CTG: period  
CTG: .  
CTG: full stop  
CTG: you get me  
CGT: right we get you XD  
CUS: We believe you, okay?  
CDN: of coarse we do thats what we do as an acceptin community  
CTG: yeah "of rough"  
CUS: But still, who's Tom?  
CTG: nobody  
CTG: as ive said  
CTG: its kinda a dumb thing  
CDN: ok  
CGT: ok XD  
CTG: but it kinda made me think  
CTG: the whole homestuck  
CTG: the whole thing where we run around and read homestuck and react to aliens or whatever  
CTG: gave me some time to do some self reflection  
CTG: i just kinda feel  
CTG: whats the word  
CUS: What's the situation?  
CTG: hussies a webcomic artist  
CTG: and has got spacebending powers right  
CDN: you mean waste of space  
CTG: are you fuckin kiddin me  
CTG: another bullshit title that doesnt make sense  
CGT: everyone in the homestuck fandom needs a title  
CGT: characters, fandom and hussie alike  
CGT: everyone knows that XD  
CTG: i bet you also have ones  
CUS: Uhh...  
CDN: weve been discussing lets just say that  
CTG: got it  
CTG: anyway what i mean is  
CTG: what i mean is  
CTG: what about all the others  
CTG: there are loads more webcomic artists than just hussie  
CTG: i draw sbahj wheres my spacebending powers  
CTG: randall monroe draws a comic thats much more popular than homestuck and will always be  
CTG: why dont we see him building floors to houses overnight  
CUS: Left out!  
CTG: left out  
CTG: precisely

* * *

Randall Munroe thought.

…No, that wasn't right. Randall Munroe may have been, once. The name still existed, the xkcd comics still existed, it was just the identity. There may have been someone who thought the fact that birds were dinosaurs was the coolest fact ever, but now there wasn't. He was completely subsidized by Andrew Hussie, as if he had become his second body.

Andrew Hussie's second body thought. There we go, that's much better. Andrew Hussie's second body thought.

He still had to keep existing and thinking, after all. xkcd comics didn't draw themselves (although, he had been working on that), and keeping a unique Munroe style to them was difficult. That was what Munroe meant now: a style of comics. One that could only have been gotten by the "nerd" kind of people, with lasting effect only created by the "bigger" comics, like the maps or charts or whatever floated Munroe's - whoops, Hussie's - mind.

And yet, xkcd had persisted through its fandom. It didn't need Munroe anymore; the unique personality that had emerged in the comics was now integrated into the community, which could continue to produce blueprints with only the "ten hundred" most common English words, or fanfic of "Time", or an entire wiki dedicated to explaining xkcd down to minute detail, or whatever.

These were the simpler days, in what was only known as "The Munroe Time". The Munroe Time had ended - in fact, Hussie remembered that it was _precisely_ on February 18th, 2015 - and therefore, a new era was to begin.

A new era in which absolutely nothing was different, except for the fact that Randall Munroe wasn't really there, and it was _two_ horse-loving weirdos instead of one.

Andrew Hussie's second body sighed and turned back to draw the xkcd comic of next Monday. He put the lines down and the comic was totally going to be a thing.

But still, something felt wrong. In more than two years, nothing substantial had changed, and people still assumed that Randall Munroe existed. There had to be at least some way, like a subliminal message to deliver, just so xkcd fans would be onto something. In fact, Andrew Hussie even knew how to realize it: draw a comic with both Black Hat and White Hat, but don't have them appear on a single panel.

With this idea, it was too easy to draw a comic, and within an hour, it was done.

Andrew Hussie thus returned to being Andrew Hussie, leaving his second body dormant.


	21. April 15, 2017 - VII

CUS: Don't be left out, Dave!  
CGT: yeah you have us XD  
CDN: your my homie aswell  
CTG: yes i get it  
CTG: people who know nothing about me worship me  
CTG: im pretty used to it so youre telling nothing new  
CTG: or your i suppose  
CTG: its definitely the possessive  
CUS: So it is!  
CTG: alright since we got that out of the way  
CTG: whats it like  
CTG: it must be pretty lonely since you consider me fictional and all  
CTG: even though im your san or whatever the japanese honorific is  
CUS: Or what the Indonesian for it is!  
CUS: We don't say it like Japanese, but...  
CUS: There is the distintcion between lu, kau and anda!  
CDN: is that what indonesian sounds like  
CDN: cause this is definitely not my languages po/sila  
CTG: oh fuckin brilliant  
CTG: im actually among asian people who discuss asian languages  
CGT: i'm not asian XD  
CTG: can i just nope out of here  
CURRENT tentacleTherapist124 [CTT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CTT: Hello again.  
CTG: sup again rose  
CGT: let me guess  
CGT: actually rose as well  
CTT: That is the case.  
CTT: And as you, Homestuck fans, might know, I am actually in charge of a support group for Homestuck characters.  
CUS: Right.  
CUS: We read Calliope on the Update Gravestone!  
CTT: This has nothing to do with your story.  
CTT: I want to clear this up so, to quote my newfound friend, "You Refrain From Asking More Stupid Questions".  
CDN: youve already met kanaya  
CDN: nice  
CTT: Wait.  
CTT: I just realized.  
CUS: Yes?  
CTT: Since you are Homestuck fans, you must know all the members of Karkat and Kanaya's group.  
CGT: the post-scratch trolls XD  
CTT: Whatever you call them.  
CDN: well theres karkat aradia tavros sollux nepeta kanaya terezi vriska equius gamzee eridan and feferi  
CTG: wow that was pretty fast  
CTG: guess we hit some sort of hardcore hs fan group  
CTT: ...ten, eleven, twelve.  
CTT: Thank you.  
CTT: Your benevolence is appreciated.  
CDN: just wonderful  
CDN: someone else we wont understand  
CTG: dont berate yourself  
CTG: i dont understand her half of the time  
CTG: whoops i meant youre self  
CTG: it is definitely you are  
CTT: Very funny, Dave.  
CTT: Your attempt at ironic humor has not gone unnoticed.  
CUS: Alright, from the beginning!  
CDN: we are fans of as business magnets story calliope on the update gravestone  
CTT: Once again, the story begins with us and how we moved to Easthampton.  
CTT: Let's just get it out of the way:  
CGT: ours does too XD  
CTT: Wait, what?  
CUS: It's true!  
CUS: You organized it so that John to appear on April 10th, Jade on 11st, you on 12nd and Dave on 13rd!  
CTT: It is 11th, 12th and 13th.  
CTT: It should also be with the superscript, but I cannot render that in this conversational medium.  
CTG: shh rose  
CTG: let the asians have their fun  
CTG: i no speakee engurishu  
CGT: neither of them is japanese though XD  
CTT: I think everyone who is actually interested in English should strive to learn the language to their best capabilities.  
CTT: That means that if two Asians want to communicate between each other, they should pick an Asian language.  
CDN: return to point one i said  
CTT: And your "ASBusinessMagnet" person would be from?  
CUS: Lithuania!  
CTT: Dave, I will need your sunglasses so I can recreate the "glasses fall off" emote.  
CTG: wait so let me get this straight  
CTG: we from easthampton  
CTG: two asians  
CTG: someone from lithuwhatever that is not here  
CTG: and one homestuck fan who is not asian  
CTG: even though likely theyre all asians  
CTG: since only asians could understand a work this complex  
CTT: I vaguely remember Hussie saying something about Homestuck the anime.  
CTG: see what i mean  
CTG: alright enough  
CTG: you said something about a blog right  
CDN: wait what about us??  
CTG: look ill establish this once again  
CTG: youre side characters  
CTG: we are from homestuck  
CTG: the show is centered on us  
CTG: you dont get written by an internet weirdo  
CTT: One who has a horse affectation, I might add.  
CGT: the relationship between hussie and horses is highly intimate XD  
CTG: therefore you dont get on a homestuck character support group  
CTG: since youre not homestuck characters  
CTG: look at the title  
CTG: sure theres that story your friend wrote  
CTG: your friend who is now serving the condempress  
CDN: her imperial condescension  
CTG: yeah whatever  
CTG: see you knew her name because she is also a homestuck character  
CTG: and therefore she is actually more relevant than you  
CTG: so suck it  
CTG: rose please continue  
CGT: nope XD  
CGT: our memo our rules  
CTG: sigh  
CTT: I was just meaning to.  
CTT: So, as I was saying, I have a blog to document our journey through the Internet comic.  
CURRENT ectooBiologist [CEB] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CEB: hello again!  
CTG: dammit john  
CTG: why do people always interrupt us at the worst moments  
CTG: is it like a universal chat rule  
CTG: that we cannot have fun because someone else is going to interrupt us  
CTG: either to comment "wow great job the support group is a success"  
CTG: or to be an awful homestuck fan like you are  
CTG: you say homestuck is shit for a reason  
CEB: homestuck fans say homestuck is shit?  
CEB: the more you know.  
CTT: The original purpose of the support group has been left miles behind.  
CDN: you can always just join us and chat together  
CGT: yes XD  
CUS: Yeah!  
CEB: okay!  
CEB: you seem friendly enough, unlike the pretend anna sophia.  
CTG: two words  
CTG: fuck  
CTG: no

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's idiotisms: We're at the NaNoWriMo thing again! Except it's "Camp NaNoWriMo", which, I guess, has "camp" in its name. And is in April and July, rather than November. And isn't necessarily about 50,000 words. We'll see if it's as much a success as the non-Camp NaNoWriMo last time.


	22. April 15, 2017 - VIII

CTT: Fuck no?  
CTG: yup  
CTG: i already made myself clear on the matter  
CTG: not homestuck characters equals no business with me  
CTG: in fact i have a much more productive use of kids time  
CUS: And that would be?  
CDN: as the co-leader of the kids league im all ears  
CTG: invade karkats memo for no goddamn reason  
CTT: Indeed, this is a plan that cannot fail at all and will not just create more distance between us, humans, and the trolls.  
CUS: Let's do it!  
CTT: No.  
CGT: no it is XD  
CTG: well fuck you imma do it anyway  
CTG ceased responding to memo.

* * *

\-- grimmeAuxiliary  [GA]  began pestering canceroGeneticist  [CG]  \--

GA: Dear Karkat It Is With Great Urgency That I Must Inform You Of The Newest Developments Regarding Homestuck And Its Characters  
CG: WELL LOOK WHAT FINALLY HAPPENED.  
CG: SOME OF YOU ACTUALLY TOOK THE MATTER INTO THEIR OWN HANDS, GOT OVER THE SHIT THEY PREVIOUSLY HAD NO OBJECTION TO SWIMMING IN AND BEGAN DELIVERING TO ME.  
CG: AT THIS RATE, I WON'T EVEN *HAVE* TO FOUND A HIVEBENT CHARACTER SUPPORT GROUP MEMO, SINCE EVERYONE WILL DO THE JOB FOR ME!  
CG: THOUGH, THAT DOES RAISE THE CONCERN OF WHETHER OR NOT I WILL BE RECOGNIZED AS A LEADER.  
CG: BUT I'M SURE THAT I WILL, SINCE I WAS THE ONE WHO FIRST INFORMED YOU OF HIVEBENT IN THE FIRST PLACE.  
CG: SO SUCK IT.  
CG: AT ANY RATE, PROCEED.  
GA: I Have Had Another Conversation With The Rose Lalonde Human  
CG: THE ONE WHO REFUSED TO LET ME JOIN HER OWN GROUP, HENCE CREATING THE WHOLE SCHISM?  
GA: I Am Reasonably Sure That Even If She Did So With Intention It Was Not To Demean You  
GA: She Is Far Too Well Intentioned To Try And Attempt To Instill Another Inter Universal War  
GA: Or I Guess The First One Since We Havent Had An Inter Universal War In Our Entire History  
CG: YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO ASSUME ANYTHING ABOUT HER PERSONALITY JUST BECAUSE YOU READ SOMETHING THAT SHE DIDN'T EVEN WRITE IN THE FIRST PLACE.  
CG: AS FAR AS I CARE, SHE COULD BE A SELFISH WHORE, OR WORSE, SECRETLY IN AN ALLIANCE WITH ANDREW HUSSIE.  
GA: I Agree With You On The Fact That First Impressions Arent Necessarily The Only Impressions  
GA: But I Am Basing My Assumptions On The Account Of Actually Having Talked To Her Using Pesterchum  
CG: SO *THAT* IS THE SUPER-IMPORTANT THING THAT YOU ARE TELLING ME?  
CG: THAT YOU CHATTED UP YOUR FUTURE MATESPRIT?  
GA: She Is Not My Future Matesprit  
GA: Well Maybe She Is But It Is Far Too Early To Assume That  
CG: I AM THE FUCKING LORD OF ROMANCE, I KNOW EXACTLY WHEN  
CG: SHIT, I MEANT THE KNIGHT.  
CG: STARTING OVER.  
CG: I AM THE FUCKING *KNIGHT* OF ROMANCE, I KNOW EXACTLY WHEN IT IS AND IS NOT TOO EARLY TO ASSUME QUADRANT ALIGNMENTS FOR THE INDEFINITE FUTURE.  
CG: AND IN YOUR CASE, MAGIC DESTINY ALREADY BOUND YOU TWO TOGETHER EVEN BEFORE YOU HAD YOUR FIRST CONVERSATION WITH HER, OR, FOR THAT MATTER, BEGAN PLAYING SGRUB.  
GA: Would You Stop Dismissing Anything And Everything I Want To Say In Favor Of Your Own Agenda  
CG: OH, SORRY.  
CG: WHAT IS IT THAT THE TWO OF YOU DECIDED UPON, ASSUMING IT IS NOT TO BECOME MATESPRITS.  
GA: It Is That We Should Use What She Calls "The Mspa Wiki" In Order To Gather Information Pertaining To Ourselves And Our Adversaries  
CG: KANAYA.  
GA: Yes  
CG: I WANT YOU TO LOOK AT ME DEAD IN THE EYES FOR THE THING I AM ABOUT TO SAY NEXT.  
GA: Yes  
GA: Virtual Eye Contact Has Been Engaged And Will Not Be Disengaged Until Further Notice  
CG: I THINK I SHOULD LET YOU KNOW THAT WHILE YOU WERE ON YOUR MERRY CHAT WITH SOMEONE WHO YOU STILL HAVE TROUBLE ACCEPTING TO BE YOUR FUTURE MATESPRIT, I ALREADY FOUND THE PAGE ABOUT THE CONDESCE AND READ THE ENTIRETY OF IT, AS WELL AS A GOOD CHUNK OF OTHER "MSPA WIKI" PAGES  
CG: AND IN FACT, I WAS READING THE VERY "MSPA WIKI" THAT YOU INSIST WE USE AS YOU MESSAGED ME WITH YOUR INSISTENCE.  
GA: Then We Agree  
CG: THAT YOU ARE A WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT.  
GA: Um  
GA: I Will Not Allow My Worth To Be Dismissed As Easily  
CG: YEAH, RIGHT.  
CG: AT ANY RATE, FUCK THIS SHIT.  
CG: IF THAT IS GOING TO BE THE RATE OF OUR DISCOVERY OF NEW VERY IMPORTANT SHIT THAT WILL NO DOUBT BE FUNDAMENTAL IN CHANGING THE COURSE OF OUR LIVES, THEN I MIGHT AS WELL MAKE IT SO WE ALL END UP DISCOVERING THE SAME SHIT AT THE SAME TIME, RATHER THAN CONTINUING TO BE MILES AHEAD OF YOU IN EVERY STEP.  
GA: Except Diplomacy  
CG: FUCK DIPLOMACY.  
CG: THAT BEING SAID, I DECLARE THE HIVEBENT CHARACTER SUPPORT GROUP TO BE AN ACTUAL REAL THING.  
CG: VOI FUCKING LA.  
CG: #HIVEBENT_CHARACTER_SUPPORT_GROUP  
CG: AND JUST TO FINISH OUR DIALOGUE OFF:  
CG: I'VE DECIDED THAT IN ORDER TO MAKE MORE SENSE, I WILL ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO REPEAT CERTAIN CATCHPHRASES.  
CG: RATHER THAN INCORRECTLY REMEMBERING THEM, AS I USED TO DO WHEN I MESSAGED YOU TWO.  
CG: AND SINCE YOU IN PARTICULAR DON'T KNOW THE PHRASE THAT I AM ABOUT TO USE YET, HERE IT IS, FOR POSTERITY:  
CG: SAYONARA, SUCKERS.  
GA: A Japanese Farewell Gesture And An Insult To Those Not Of Our Kin Indeed  
CG: KARKAT VANTAS, WE'RE DONE HERE.

\-- canceroGeneticist  [CG]  ceased pestering grimmeAuxiliary  [GA]  \--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's idiotisms: I still haven't learned of a way to talk about fictionkin who identify with Homestuck trolls (or any other fictionkin, for that matter) without insulting them. But since these are the Homestuck trolls themselves, I am sure I'll be okay. I think.


	23. April 15, 2017 - IX

CCG: ALRIGHT, JUST DOUBLE-CHECKING EVERYONE'S HERE BEFORE I BEGIN.  
CURRENT gallicksCalibrator [CGC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CGC: ONLY TH3 THR33 OF US >:?  
CGC: W3LL FOUR 1F YOU 1NCLUD3 YOURS3LF  
CCG: YOU THREE, SO FAR, I CAN TRUST THE MOST, SINCE YOU KIND OF WERE IN ON THE ACTION.  
CCG: CONSIDER THIS A BETA VERSION OF THE MEMO.  
CCG: THE OTHERS WILL BE INVITED LATER, ONCE I BRUSH UP MY LEADERSHIP SKILLS WHILE COMMANDING YOU.  
CCG: THERE HASN'T EXACTLY BEEN ANYTHING TO LEAD INTO FOR THE PAST EIGHT YEARS, YOU KNOW?  
CURRENT grimmeAuxiliary [CGA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CGA: Understood  
CURRENT arachnidGrips [CAG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CAG: Alright, let's get this 8a8y rolling!  
CCG: THANKS FOR UNDERSTANDING.  
CCG: WHY DON'T WE START SHARING OUR STORY FROM THE BEGINNING?  
CGC: SUR3  
CCG: WAIT.  
CCG: WHAT DOES COUNT AS THE BEGINNING OF OUR STORY?  
CCG: ME FINDING HIVEBENT?  
CCG: US BEATING SGRUB?  
CCG: US BEGINNING TO PLAY SGRUB?  
CAG: Snore.  
CGA: The Discovery Of Hivebent By You Seems To Be The Most Recent Pivotal Moment That Is The Cause For What Is Happening Right Now On This Memo  
CGC: SUR3 L3TS GO W1TH TH4T  
CGC: K4RKL3S WH4T DO YOU S4Y >:?  
CCG: ALTHOUGH I OBJECT TO BEING CALLED "KARKLES", I MUST BEGRUDGINGLY AGREE.  
CCG: OR "K4RKL3S" WITH THE FOUR AND THREE, I SUPPOSE?  
CCG: AT ANY RATE, SINCE WE DECIDED THAT MY DISCOVERY OF HIVEBENT IS WHERE IT'S AT, I AUTOMATICALLY GET THE RIGHT TO BEGIN THE RETELLING.  
CCG: SO.  
CCG: ON APREL 13TH, HUMAN SWEEP TWO THOUSAND AND SEVENTEEN, WE WERE CELEBRATING THE EIGHTH ANNIVERSARY OF CREATING AND SUBSEQUENTLY APPEARING ON THIS ROCK THAT DOESN'T EVEN DESERVE TO BE CALLED A PLANET.  
CCG: PLUTO IS NOT A PLANET?  
CCG: COME ON, YOUR OWN TURDBALL BARELY QUALIFIES AS A PLANET.  
CGA: If This Rock "Barely Qualifies" As A Planet That Does Seem To Imply That It Does Qualify After All  
CCG: TECHNICALITIES.  
CCG: SINCE THIS IS AN ANNIVERSARY ABOUT ME AND HOW MY LEADERSHIP SKILLS LED US ALL TO SORT-OF GLORY, I DECIDED THAT IT'S TIME TO SEE WHAT THE INTERNET THINKS OF ME.  
CCG: I ENTERED "KARKAT VANTAS" TO HUMAN GOOGLE...  
CCG: BEGRUDGINGLY IGNORED WHATEVER "READER LEMON" WAS AND WHATEVER REASONS THEY HAD TO BE RELATED TO ME...  
CCG: AND OUT POPPED SOME RESULTS ABOUT THIS THING CALLED "MS PAINT ADVENTURES".  
CCG: SO I CLICK ON THAT.  
CCG: NOT THE WIKI, AT FIRST, SINCE I KIND OF WANTED TO EXPERIENCE THE RAW DEAL FIRST.  
CCG: SO I CLICK, AND THERE'S FUCKING ME.  
CCG: BUT AT THE SAME TIME, IT IS A FUCKING WRONG ME.  
CCG: I AM BACK IN MY HIVE FROM BEFORE SGRUB, AND FOR SOME REASON I SEEM TO BE LACKING ARMS.  
CCG: AND THERE IS THIS WALL OF TEXT TELLING WHO I AM.  
CCG: AND I AM LIKE; WHAT THE HELL?  
CCG: WHO IS THIS PERSON WHO KNEW ABOUT ME AND DREW ME?  
CCG: ALL EVIDENCE POINTS TO SOMEONE NAMED ANDREW.  
CAG: Andrew Hussie, right?  
CCG: YES, BUT AT THE TIME I STILL DIDN'T KNOW HIS LAST NAME.  
CCG: THEN I NOTICE THE THING AT THE TITLE OF THE PAGE: "ENTER NAME".  
CCG: OBVIOUSLY, I STILL MUST BE A FEW PAGES INTO WHATEVER THIS "MS PAINT ADVENTURE" CONCERNING ME IS.  
CCG: SO I LOOK AROUND, AND THERE IS A BUTTON, A TINY BUTTON, CALLED "GO BACK".  
CCG: I CLICK THAT, AND IT SEEMS THAT SOMEHOW, "KARKAT VANTAS" WAS NOT MY FIRST SUGGESTED NAME.  
CCG: BULGEREEK NOOKSTAIN?  
CCG: JUST TAKE A MOMENT AND IMAGINE SOMEONE NAMED BULGEREEK NOOKSTAIN TRYING TO LEAD YOU THROUGH THE FUCKING SGRUB SESSION.  
CCG: HE WOULD GET NOTHING BUT LAUGHED AT.  
CGC: NOT TH4T YOU 4R3 NOT 4LR34DY L4UGH3D 4T  
CGC: H3H3H3  
CCG: YOU ARE KIND OF UNDERMINING THE POINT, ALRIGHT?  
CGC: SORRY  
CCG: SORRIES WON'T HELP IT WHEN THE CONDESCE HAS PINED US ALL DOWN.  
CCG: ANYWAY, SO I CLICK "GO BACK" ONCE MORE...  
CCG: AND THERE'S WHAT, AT THE TIME, LOOKED LIKE A TITLE PAGE.  
CCG: THERE'S THIS 6 SWEEP OLD TROLL, EARTH DOESN'T EXIST YET, HE DOESN'T HAVE A NAME YET, GIVE HIM A NAME.  
CCG: SO NOW, I OFFICIALLY HAVE FOUND SOMETHING TO INFORM EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU OF.  
CGC: SO YOU DO  
CCG: YES.  
CCG: YES, AT THIS POINT, YOU SURELY MUST HAVE CAUGHT ON TO WHAT'S HAPPENING.  
CCG: I MESSAGE EVERYONE, AND THEN THERE IS A THIRTEENTH TROLL OR SOMETHING WHO MESSAGES ME.  
CCG: EXCEPT HE IS NOT A TROLL, BUT RATHER THE CREATOR OF HIVEBENT, ANDREW HUSSIE HIMSELF.  
CCG: OR HOMESTUCK, I SUPPOSE?  
CCG: LET'S BRIEFLY HAVE ANOTHER VOTE.  
CCG: SHOULD WE ELECT TO CALL HOMESTUCK HOMESTUCK OR HIVEBENT?  
CGC: W3LL 1T 1S TH3 H1V3B3NT CH4R4CT3R SUPPORT GROUP  
CGC: 4ND TH3 ON3 FOR HOM3STUCK 1S OV3RRUN BY SOM3 F4NS  
CGC: SO 1 "3L3CT" TH3 N4M3 H1V3B3NT  
CAG: Flawlessly spoken 8y Judge Terezi Pyrope.  
CGA: While I Am Mostly Against Petulant Attempts To Raise Stakes By Arbitrary Division I Must Agree That The Peer Pressure Is Strong  
CCG: SAYS ONE WHO WILL STOP AT NOTHING TO ESSENTIALLY WORK WITH THE ENEMY.  
CGA: Rose Is Far From "The Enemy"  
CCG: NO, SHE IS NOT.  
CCG: HER INTERESTS ARE EXACTLY AS OPPOSITE OURS AS HUSSIE'S OR THE CONDESCE'S.  
CAG: That's the spirit!  
CCG: SO, IT IS DECIDED.  
CCG: HIVEBENT IT IS.  
CCG: AT ANY RATE, HUSSIE MESSAGES ME.  
CCG: AND SOMEHOW MANAGES TO BEAT DOC SCRATCH AT BEING CREEPY.  
CCG: THOUGH, SINCE DOC SCRATCH SHOULD BE HUSSIE'S CREATION AS WELL, THAT KIND OF MAKES SENSE IN HINDSIGHT.  
CCG: NOT THAT "MAKES SENSE IN HINDSIGHT" MAKES SENSE IN AND OF ITSELF, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.  
CGA: Mostly  
CGA: There Has Been Plenty Of Time For Us To Get Used To Your Typing Patterns And Personal Idioms  
CCG: GLAD SOMEONE FINALLY REALIZED THAT THIS WHOLE TIME I HAVE BEEN TYPING AND NOT SPEAKING.  
CCG: SO, HUSSIE CALLS ME TO A MEETING WHERE HE LIVES.  
CCG: WHICH IS A CITY THAT, IN THE UNITED STATES PERSPECTIVE, IS NOT THAT FAR FROM WHERE I LIVE, IN BOSTON.  
CCG: NEVERTHELESS, IT IS QUITE A DISTANCE AWAY, AND I DECIDE THAT IT IS NOT TIME TO TRY AND TRUST THE HUMAN PUBLIC TRANSPORT IN GETTING ME ANYWHERE.  
CCG: SO I HIKE FOR  
CCG: *FUCKING*  
CCG: *******************************EVER*******************************  
CCG: NO AMOUNT OF HUMAN SNOWFLAKE MARKS CAN ACCENTUATE HOW LONG THE WALK TOOK.  
CAG: Snowflake marks?  
CAG: *Vriska can't hold in her laughter! :::;D*  
CGC: *T3R3Z1 4GR33S TH4T 4FT3R TH3 Y34RS, TROLL T3RMS H4V3 B3GUN SOUND1NG H1L4R1OUS! >:D*  
CCG: KARKAT COMMANDS YOU TO STOP MAKING FUN OF HIM.  
CCG: IN FACT, IF BULGEREEK NOOKSTAIN WAS IN HIS PLACE, HE WOULD ALSO COMMAND YOU TO STOP MAKING FUN OF HIM, WHILE AT THE SAME TIME FAILING TO RESIST A CHANCE TO MAKE FUN OF HIMSELF.  
CGA: I Agree With Karkat While Simultaneously Not Understanding Why We Need To Preface Our Statements With Third Person Remarks  
CGA: Kanaya Means That She Agrees With Karkat And The Rest That Follows  
CCG: SEE, I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT EITHER.  
CCG: SO THAT'S TWO VERSUS TWO.  
CCG: NOW LET ME INVITE ANOTHER TROLL TO TRY AND RESOLVE THE TIE BEFORE  
CURRENT turntechGodhaed [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CTG: sup  
CCG: OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE.


	24. April 15, 2017 - X

CUS: That reminds us!  
CUS: No, I don't suddenly approve "invade" Karkat's memo.  
CUS: That said...  
CDN: it is kind of nightime in asia so we have to go to sleep  
CUS: Good night!  
CTT: Good night.  
CUS ceased responding to memo.  
CDN ceased responding to memo.  
CURRENT gardinGnostic [CGG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CGG: awwwwww  
CGG: just as i was getting in :(  
CGT: just wait for the americans XD  
CEB: the americans?  
CURRENT scatteredPhilosopher [CSP] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CSP: Hello!  
CGG: oh :/  
CGG: not you again  
CSP: What?  
CSP: Oh...  
CSP: I was messaging you this whole time, wasn't I?  
CGG: yup  
CGG: i mean thanks for letting me know about karkat in advance  
CGG: but its sort of a thanks no thanks  
CEB: hey, scattered philosopher!  
CEB: so what happened between you and jade?  
CSP: Not much.  
CSP: I just thought I was getting some nice roleplay in, but...  
CSP: Wait a minute.  
CSP: /Wait a minute./  
CTT: Yes, if you are another one of ASBusinessMagnet's fans, you have guessed correctly.  
CTT: This is his story, unfolding live.  
CTT: We, the Homestuck characters, are founding a Homestuck character support group.  
CTT: And you are getting in the way.  
CTT: Here, just read my words.  
CURRENT cryptologicalMystic [CCM] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CCM: Oh hi!  
CTT: Nevermind, reading my words will have to be postponed.  
CURRENT savvyKiddo [CSK] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CSK: We are getting fairly big, aren't we?  
CURRENT gsunnyDragonlover6 [CGD] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CGD: yes, we are.  
CGD: wait, are those random roleplayers?  
CEB: no...  
CGG: rose please drop it  
CTT: Only after I have made sure that there will be no more arrivals.  
CGT: probably not XD  
CGT: the two asians are the only ones that are currently missing  
CSP: In that case, hello, almost everyone!  
CTT: Hello, fellow Americans.  
CTT: Unfortunately, the celebratory dropping of British tea to the ocean that should follow this gathering will have to wait until I have announced my message.  
CTT: This very memo is supposed to belong to us, the actual Homestuck characters.  
CTT: Which, might I remind you, is a thing that one can actually be in real life, a statement which I expect you to accept without debate.  
CGT: yeah just take my word for it XD  
CGD: okay!  
CSK: Sure thing!  
CTT: But unfortunately, since you are right here and have claimed this memo name for yourselves, that means that we have to seek new horizons.  
CTT: This is a summary of how events have played out since we discovered this fact.  
CTT: http://calliopes-update-girl.tumblr.com/  
CTT: You may read it and react, but do not expect me to immediately take any advice that you might give.  
CTT: The fact that you got dibs on this memo name first means nothing more than the fact that I have some followers of my blog that are not Homestuck characters.  
CSP: Rose, we do not mean to become part of Homestuck.  
CSP: And we are not an inferior race because of it.  
CTT: I was not implying anything about superiority or relevance.  
CTT: I am just trying to build a close-knit group of my friends that shares a common cause, and you simply do not share it.  
CCM: It still comes off as harsher than expected.  
CTT: I sincerely apologize, and henceforth rename the Homestuck Character Support Group to...  
CTT: How do I put this in the most convenient way possible...  
CTT: Homestuck-Characters-and-Internet-Randos-Who-Happen-to-Believe-in-Our-Scenario Support Group.  
CEB: oh, come on, rose.  
CEB: that doesn't even conveniently abbreviate.  
CTT: In other words: no, you are not allowed together with the "beta kids", whatever that means, and Calliope.  
CTT: ...My apologies.  
CTT: I was getting ahead of myself.  
CTT: I really ought to stop this "superiority complex" shtick that Dave wanted to propose.  
CTT: In addition, even if we believe in arbitrary divisions, which we don't, Karkat's rivaling memo is already acting in a way which I wanted to propose, and it is not playing out well for either of us.  
CTT: Still, you have to accept the fact that in this case, you, Homestuck fans, are privileged, as you can choose whether and how to interact with us, whereas we, being the sort-of celebrities that we are, do not have an equivalent choice.  
CTT: Looking at you, scatteredPhilosopher.  
CSP: What?  
CTT: I demand answers from you.  
CTT: Why did you choose to message Jade?  
CSP: Well, for starters, the name was misspelled, so I thought that whoever was on the other end of the line, they wouldn't be getting as much hassle as anyone on the not-misspelled chumhandle and we would be able to develop a long-term relationship.  
CGG: long term relationship with you?  
CGG: yeah think twice  
CSP: I didn't exactly plan everything out, okay?  
CSP: And even if I did, no matter our wildest dreams, "the Homestuck characters are real" was far from any of my plans to prepare for.  
CGD: not mine lol  
CGT: wait what XD  
CCM: Can you two maybe take this conversation privately?  
CTT: No.  
CTT: The judgment of scatteredPhilosopher shall remain public.  
CTT: Also, I am getting tired of having to type "scatteredPhilosopher" all the time, and because of our misfortune, you could already call me by my first name before I even got here.  
CSP: You can call me Phil, okay?  
CCM: Judgment...  
CCM: Like Undertale?  
CTT: What is Undertale?  
CEB: oh man, rose, you are missing out on so much!  
CEB: it's this recent game by toby fox, and like, every choice matters, and you can choose to kill stuff or not to kill stuff.  
CEB: i hear it's really good and gets interesting in the later parts and different endings, so i might play it, now that i've heard it mentioned again.  
CGG: sounds interesting to me as well!!!  
CTT: And I presume that you are judged for killing "stuff", right?  
CGT: yup XD  
CTT: In that case, yes.  
CTT: This is exactly like Undertale.  
CTT: And this shall be the last mention of Undertale on this memo, because someone still has to be...  
CTT: _Treated_ for their advances.  
CTT: Shall we begin, Phil?  
CSP: Okay!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's idiotisms: Some of these people have literally been waiting for over a year to see their self-inserts in my fanfic, with cryptologicalMystic holding an absolute record of 1636 days, or nearly four and a half years. _You're welcome._


	25. April 15, 2017 - XI

CCG: ALRIGHT, THAT VOTE IS CANCELED IN FAVOR OF ANOTHER VOTE.  
CCG: SHOULD WE BAN DAVE?  
CCG: THIS IS KIND OF A TROLLS-ONLY SPACE.  
CTG: oh my god help me  
CTG: so last time i left you you were getting bitchy about being a dictator  
CTG: and now in your memo youre acting as the democrat supreme  
CTG: this isnt even a joke youre absolutely a great politician karkat  
CCG: YES, I HAVE ABSOLUTELY MASTERED YOUR SIMPLISTIC HUMAN POLITICS BY NOW.  
CCG: TROLLS, VOTE.  
CGC: NO W4Y 1 L1K3 WH4T TH1S GUY H4S TO S4Y  
CGC: 4ND 1 L1K3 H1S N4M3  
CGA: See Karkat  
CGA: Arbitrary Rules Like "This Is A Trolls Only Space" Only Serve To Break Up Friendships That Could Otherwise Be Forged  
CGA: And Also Possibly Kill Everybody Involved But I Am Yet To Confirm That  
CTG: you really think this is a romeo and juliet situation  
CTG: or whatever the troll equivalent is  
CGA: No Dave I Am Referring To The Simplified Human Version Of The Tale  
CGA: You Really Do Not Want Me To Get Into The Gritty Details Of How The Same Situation Is Portrayed In Troll Literature  
CAG: Snore.  
CAG: If we are really going into stuff like this, I'm all for Dave getting 8anned.  
CCG: SO THAT'S TWO VERSUS TWO, ONCE AGAIN.  
CCG: AND THE ONLY TIEBREAKER IN THIS CASE CAN BE DAVE HIMSELF.  
CTG: so i decide whether i should get banned or not  
CTG: you have by far the best democracy ever  
CTG: imagine if in our world criminals themselves decided whether or not they should go to jail  
CTG: like  
CTG: thats not even remotely how it works  
CTG: other people have to decide if you are a shitty person or not  
CCG: UNFORTUNATELY, WE'RE AT AN IMPASSE.  
CCG: SO JUST TELL US WHAT SHOULD OR SHOULD NOT GET YOU BANNED.  
CTG: alright here goes  
CTG: if youre a troll supremacist group like you appear to be then im all for gettin banned and just soddin back off to the kids memo  
CTG: but at the same time id rather chill here  
CTG: at least for now  
CCG: ALRIGHT.  
CCG: BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT GIVEN.  
CCG: BUT DON'T TRY AND ABUSE IT, OR YOU'RE BANNED THIS VERY INSTANT.  
CTG: cool  
CTG: anyway lets introduce ourselves  
CTG: im dave  
CTG: and you should be from this list that the fans gave us  
CTG: lets see so youre karkat  
CTG: now whos aradia  
CCG: NO ONE IS ARADIA, BECAUSE I HAVEN'T INVITED HER YET.  
CTG: oh yeah i forgot that theres only four out of twelve of you  
CTG: i give up then whats your names  
CAG: Vriska Serket, nice to meet you. :::;)  
CGA: I In Particular Would Be Kanaya Maryam  
CGC: T3R3Z1 H3H3  
CTG: last name h3h3 huh  
CTG: do you by any chance know someone named ethan klein  
CTG: cause he would like to have a word with you  
CGC: N4H  
CGC: L4ST N4M3 PYROP3 >:P  
CTG: wait a minute  
CTG: whats with all you guyss names  
CTG: all the first names AND last names are 6 letters  
CTG: should i assort myself to fit the pattern as well  
CTG: bye bye dave strider  
CTG: hello  
CTG: thomas  
CTG: idk i never created a surname to go with the tom identity  
CCG: CONGRATULATIONS ON NOTICING.  
CCG: NOW ALLOW ME TO BORINGLY LECTURE YOU AND PUT YOU TO YOUR PLACE, BECAUSE YOU SHALL NOT BASK IN REALIZATION FOR TOO LONG BEFORE YOU'RE FORCED TO ASSUME THE ROLE OF DIPSHIT ONCE AGAIN UNTIL YOUR NEXT BRILLIANT EPIPHANY.  
CAG: Yeah, Dave, you're in our turf now and you'd 8etter 8ELIEVE that deep in your nook.  
CCG: TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION, NO, SIX-SIX LETTER NAMES ARE A TROLL FEATURE AND YOU SHALL REMAIN DAVE STRIDER SO THAT WE CAN LAUGH AT YOU FOR BEING A HUMAN.  
CCG: UNTIL WE BAN YOU BECAUSE YOU FUCKED UP.  
CCG: KANAYA, YOU KNOW TROLL HISTORY, CAN YOU BACK ME UP ON WHY THAT IS.  
CGA: Once Many Common Names Had Become Those Of Historical Figures Trollkind Progressed Towards Having Longer And Longer Names  
CGA: Until Certain Trolls Began Trying To Make A Statement By Having Names That Were Way Longer Than Necessary  
CGA: Karkat Might Find This Familiar Since A Similar Thing Had Happened To The Titles For Literature And Film  
CGA: But Whereas Those Titles Were Here To Stay  
CGA: Our Higher Ups Had Trouble Referring To Everyone As "The Not So Great And Honorable But Still Ready To Kick Your Ass Peasant Of This And This Blood Color Which Might Be Low But That Does Not Mean Anything" And So On For A Couple Of Hours  
CGA: Therefore The Condesce Had Troll Names Standardized  
CGA: Grubs Would Receive A Six By Six Name  
CGA: First Name Consisting Of Six Letters That Were Picked At Random Based Solely On The Fact That They Can Be Sort Of Pronounced  
CGA: Second Name Consisting Of Six Letters That Were Derived From The Scientific Name For Their Lusus  
CTG: whats a lusus  
CCG: THE SHORT VERSION: AN ANIMAL THAT LOOKS AFTER YOU, BECAUSE WE TROLLS ARE TOO GOOD TO BE TAKEN CARE OF WHAT YOU CALL "PARENTS".  
CTG: kay  
CTG: nothin against parents but your version is pretty dope too  
CGA: If The Troll Survived Brooding Trials As A Grub And Had Filled Pails By The Time They Were Called To The Troll Ranks They Could Get A Name With Eight Letters  
CTG: like condesce itself  
CGA: Yes  
CGA: Albeit The Full Form Of The Name "Her Imperious Condescension" Remained In Unofficial Realms  
CGA: Thus After Establishing This Rule It Was Fine And Dandy Until Those Sorts Of Trolls Demanded More Usable Names And The Language Was Not Able To Supply Us With Any  
CGA: So Two Eight Letter Names Were Allowed  
CGA: But Only Two  
CGA: And The Second Name Was Attached To The Front And Acted As A Sort Of Title  
CGA: Marquise Mindfang  
CGA: Orphaner Dualscar  
CGA: Neophyte Redglare  
CGA: Et Cetera  
CAG: Oh man, you are missing out on a WHOLE LOAD of stories a8out Mindfang.  
CTG: cool  
CTG: well vriska what if troll stories are boring as hell and i want to continue missin out  
CAG: Dave, I am so going to get your human goat one day.  
CGC: PFFT  
CGC: YOUR3 4 R1OT D4V3 STR1D3R YOU KNOW TH4T >:?  
CCG: KARKAT MOTIONS TOWARDS THE BAN BUTTON.


	26. April 15, 2017 - "Warm Tropics, Cold Feet"

Feferi didn't think much of the dialogue with the Condesce. After all, she wasn't that much into Homestuck, and therefore everything that everyone else was involved with was pretty much background events for her exciting life. Therefore, when she went to sleep after yet another swimming session, she had been smiling through the whole thing.

It was just an internet conversation that could have no serious repercussions, right?

* * *

_Wrong_ , was Feferi's first thought when she woke up. She immediately recognized that it wasn't her room, or really a room at all. It had the look closer to that of an abandoned building. Furthermore, she quickly realized that she wasn't dreaming, because she hadn't even been in an abandoned building before this occurrence. She made a mental note to never mess with the Empress's powers, and continued observing the situation.

She wondered what she had done to anger the Empress so much. She didn't question why or for how long the Empress had been here, as her fishy ways were just that: fishy ways. But this was no Alternia, where she would have faced certain death against her and be remembered as "yet another dead heiress". This was the Earth, and the thirteen trolls _had_ to work together to survive. A casualty would have been unacceptable.

She stood up and looked through the window of the abandoned building. It appeared to still be night, as the sky was dark and starry. However, there was some illumination, coming from a nearby volcano. The volcano had a distinct shape, unmistakable for anything on Hawaii, and was actually geologically active. Lava wasn't spilling out of it, but nevertheless, the prospect that it might erupt soon frightened her. In addition, this allowed her to realize that this place was actually high up.

She was even more frightened when someone else came into her room. He appeared to be a human man, wearing a tiara that was identical to hers except red, dressed in a red suit and having a pin in the suit that was shaped like half of a trident. He took his phone from his suit, turned on the flashlight and placed it on the ground, so that the room would have at least some illumination. A light coming from the ground looked slightly ominous, and Feferi grew even more worried, especially since, as it appeared, she wasn't alone in being involved with the fishy plans.

"So you're already awake, Feferi." The man spoke. He sounded almost like a robot, and for a while the heiress considered the fact that he _was_ robotic. The thought was ridiculous, but knowing how various Betty Crocker facilities were already equipped with robots, it wasn't too unreasonable. "I really thought it would be later. Too bad the Harleys took their electricity with them, and this is the only light source that I have."

"Um... so this is the )(arleys' place, right?" Feferi finally found the courage within herself to ask.

"Yes. They left on the eleventh, and therefore Her Imperious Condescension has been coming up with her plans here ever since." How did the man know everything? Seriously. Not even the Condesce was sure that this was definitely the Harleys' place, Feferi thought, remembering the conversation she had.

"And w)(at would t)(ose plans be?" Feferi asked. She figured that since this man knew everything, it would be for the best if she could exhaust the knowledge.

"From what I've heard, the first idea that she has was to kill Andrew Hussie. Then, however, you objected, since you see a pure soul in everyone - and that, presumably, includes me - and therefore she decided to instead get her hands on Sburb 2.0, using Andrew Hussie as a surrogate. I don't quite get why she doesn't want to rule over the Earth, but once again, I am just a spokesperson." The man's voice sounded almost tranquilizing, a perfect combination of robotic monotone and a human narrator.

"And... I?"

"I can only presume that you would take care after your and the Condesce's shared lusus." It was a definite detail - in Chapter 91 of Calliope and the Update Gravestone, named "Gl'Bgolyb", the Condesce _did_ bring over the sea monster. Or so the man thought.

"Alrig)(t..." Up to this point, Feferi had been listening to the man's words critically, and noticed the first flaw. "So t)(at would imply that Glubbers is )(ere, but if it was, t)(en none of my friends would be alive rig)(t now!"

"That's not what I wrote."

"W)(at do you mean, you wrote?" Feferi didn't understand the concept of breaking the fourth wall at all.

"I was actually basing my knowledge on my stories Calliope on the Update Gravestone and The Homestuck Character Support Group. Besides the fact that I am not a Homestuck fan in those stories, as opposed to the real life, this is where they begin contradicting."

"Um... w)(at?" Feferi couldn't understand how fictional stories that the man wrote were somehow relevant, but before she could say anything else, the Condesce came around. "Wow, so the conclusion is: you're an even faker prophet than Hussie."

"I never claimed that I was a prophet. I was simply building upon what I knew." The man objected. He would have thought that he was like Jodl, most likely.

"Alright, so what do we even do with the fake knowledge? I mean, I can't just begin figuring stuff out because you don't have the intel on anything. Oh, whatever, you will prove useful in some way."

"In an alternate universe, I'm not even working for you, and therefore you are at a disadvantage. I think it's reasonable to assume that we will win whatever battle you assume." The man had computed the perfect response to the Condesce, and she could only admit defeat.

"Alright, fine." She took some time to look at the rising sun, which had lit the room beyond the need for a flashlight, and concluded:

"I _guess_."


	27. April 15, 2017 - "Brave New Day"

Calliope woke up in cold sweat. She had no idea what [the nightmare she just had](http://calliopes-update-girl.tumblr.com/post/116628692128/in-case-anyone-asks-if-calliopes-update-girl-will) was about, and by the time she got up from her bed (a bit hard for an ordinary person, but she still felt comfortable on it), she already had forgotten most of it, not even bothering to put the puzzle pieces together.

Instead, she tried to remember what happened during the last two days. Sure, her wriggling day was almost ruined then made much better by the four newcomers, but then there was the fact that she was, in fact, written by someone else. And the next day, some of those newcomers already went about some "support group", and both she and Caliborn got Pesterchum to... pursue their interests. Of course, the support group was among Calliope's interests, but for Caliborn... it was less so.

And now, there was today, and very likely today would bring something even crazier happening. Like an alien species that isn't cherubs. Or, you know, something to that effect. In fact, Calliope was pretty sure that she could encounter something if she just... walked outside.

She thus didn't even turn on her computer to check on her Internet presence before she got dressed and began fiddling with locks, as she was used to as long as she could remember.

* * *

Even a simple action such as "going out for a walk", trivial to humans, was alien to Calliope. It was more so since Caliborn wasn't by her side, but perhaps that would be for the better, since he wasn't going to shout at her for anything even remotely disturbing. She couldn't even imagine doing anything without him... even though he had just gone to the Homestuck read without her. Everyone has new experiences every now and then.

 _Everyone has new experiences_ was Calliope's precise thought when she was interrupted by a human passing by. The most distinctive feature about her was the dyed hair, seemingly either blue or purple depending on how you looked at them, and the painting she carried, wrapped in brown paper so it couldn't immediately be seen. She headed towards the house opposite Calliope's - which she immediately recognized as Hussie's - and as she ringed the doorbell, waiting for Hussie to answer, she looked back.

"Hi, Calliope! Hussie told me there are actual characters around! You can come with me if you want." The woman said, and Calliope smiled. Perhaps this was really worth trying out, rather than pointing out flaws in something that is ultimately irrelevant.

"gladly! by the way, who are yoU?" Calliope thus replied and moved closer to where the woman was. She reminded Calliope of herself in many ways.

"Oh, sorry! I'm Shelby. Shelby Cragg. I draw your art on Homestuck!"

"wait a minUte, what? i'm pretty sUre i..." Calliope trailed off, since this perhaps wasn't the best way to explain it... if it even needed explaining.

"I didn't phrase that well, did I?" Shelby awkwardly laughed, but couldn't say anything as Hussie opened the door. "Oh, please, do come in." He said, and Shelby proceeded to go inside, Calliope following her. They took a seat by the all-familiar projector, next to Hussie, and Shelby placed the painting against the table.

Suddenly, Hussie began laughing uncontrollably. "what is it?" Calliope wondered, and Shelby gestured with her hand: "That thing. Where I draw your art."

"i still don't get it? i mean, i'm pretty sUre i hold my tablet pen when i draw!"

"Ugh. We're working under the pretense that you don't exist, and therefore I substitute for you. Let's just say that." Shelby's explanation finally satisfied Calliope, who began looking at the escapades between the two creators. Well, all three of them were creators, but Calliope still was something lower, as she was apparently created by the other two.

Shelby waved her hand in front of Hussie, saying: "Hello? I brought you something! A super-late 4/13 present, let's say."

"Oh. Right. Let's do this the most unceremonious way possible, since I spent the day reading Homestuck with actual Homestuck characters." Hussie stopped laughing and pulled a string on the painting, and the brown paper immediately came off. It revealed a dark landscape, on which a white house stood upon a tall patch of dirt, with a car on the dirt as well.

"No horses. Disapproved." Hussie blankly commented.

"is that john's hoUse?" Calliope noticed something familiar about the white house (which wasn't where the United States government was hosted, in case you were wondering). "why is it in this strange void?"

"Because it has entered the Medium, obviously!"

"No, Shelby, stop. Stop telling Calliope spoilers. We were meaning to read Homestuck, start to finish, all by ourselves. No spoilers involved." Hussie had his own idea of both how a read of Homestuck goes and how an argument goes.

"You do kind of realize that by existing, Calliope herself is already a spoiler."

"Bam. Point taken and slamdunked." Hussie admitted defeat.

"Anyway. Will we actually take part in the Homestuck read live? I'd like to see how it's going for you and all!" Shelby was excited.

"sorry, no, the day is still yoUng and i woUld rather..."

"It's okay. I know where we left off." Hussie turned on the projector, and it began whirring. He then quickly went to the last page Calliope had read, which, as he assumed, was page 1928.

"only problem... this isn't the last page i actUally read! :U"

"You've been reading Homestuck without me. I can only trust you so much. Sure, whatever, go on and have your day." Hussie used his authorial powers, and soon enough Calliope had found herself where she had first met Shelby: between her own home and Hussie's.

"Now that that minor intrusion has been taken care of, why don't we start?" Calliope only heard Hussie say through the (still padlocked) window as she started walking along the street, hoping to meet any of the kids. Maybe Rose would have been nice. She at least cared for Calliope, unlike Hussie, who only wanted a character to represent the obnoxious part of his fandom.


	28. April 15, 2017 - "Apathy"

At the time, Rose Lalonde was still uncomfortably rolling in her bed, preferring not to live her life but rather think of everything she ever did as a huge mistake.

What she had could have been described as depression, but given her situation, it was more likely to be apathy. It was the same kind of apathy that she always had when she was waking up, but now, learning that nothing she did ever mattered because people are going to treat her an entirely different way based on something she never did, it was perhaps better to not do anything at all. Thus, when she heard her doorbell ring, she didn't even bother getting properly dressed. She was still in her pajamas when she opened the door.

The person at the other side was a familiar alien - one she probably had seen before and could have looked up once she realized the connection, but simply didn't. "Calliope." She spoke, barely legibly, and then immediately took steps back to bed, not even caring to say a hello or a welcome. Calliope thus stood at the outside, not sure if she was invited or not, and decided to walk in otherwise.

"oh hey surviver a" Rose's mother, who had actually stayed up all night and was still barely holding up, replied. It was at this point when Calliope had the big realization: "yoU. yoU were there, trying to be a mother to me and caliborn and failing."

"look its not ma folt that u were under scrutiny / id gladly call u calleope an suches / bu it’s the sientific method an i coldent argue w/ that" It seemed that neither of the Lalondes cared about communication at this particular moment, and at one point Calliope was tempted to leave, but at the same time she realized that John, Dave or Jade might actually be asleep right now, and therefore decided to stay. She glanced at the doors of the house and noticed one decorated with a painting which showed a terrifying Lovecraftian monster; this must have been Rose's room. Calliope thought something about how these people had really made those new places their homes in record time, and went inside.

"Leave me alone." Rose said, tightly wrapping herself in her bedsheet, as soon as she heard her door open. Calliope was tempted to close it, but then she realized that Rose was actually in a difficult time and needed help.

"what's wrong?" Calliope inquired.

"I said, I don't need any-" Rose rolled away, deliberately looking away from the cherub. She had thought of telling her to leave once again, but stopped mid-sentence to think. She had always put on a façade of "the therapist", always being one to help when others were at great difficulty. However, reality showed a quite different picture, one in which she needed help the most, but no one even remotely was able to help her.

"hm?" Calliope wondered. However Rose was acting, and human emotions in general, were a mystery to her.

"Look, it's complicated. And for all I know, I will shrug everything off and go on with whatever ill-conceived support group you're putting up."

"bUt the sUpport groUp is a really great idea!" Calliope objected.

To her surprise, Rose finally took time to take the cover off herself and sit on her bed. "Yes?"

"when we discUss stUff, homestUck or not, we end Up talking with each other and therefore the..."

"The psychological energy is carried between people, thus making them all feel a particular mood." Rose finished the sentence for Calliope. "Though, I still think that the support group is not much different from a group of people trying to survive on a desert island, who immediately deem any animal hostile towards them."

"hm."

"I will give Jade a call. She is an expert on desert islands." Rose's logic was obviously flawed, since she still had to take her time to recover from lying comatose for several hours and then depressed and apathic for some. Nevertheless, she was able to pick up the phone and give Jade a call, asking her to come over.

On the other end of the line, Jade immediately obliged. She had gone for a walk of her own, and now was already directed towards one of the newly familiar houses in Easthampton. Rose was also preparing on her own end, _finally_ getting dressed, and once her doorbell rang for a second time, she was able to greet Jade in proper attire.

"so!! hows the support group doing?" Jade asked, and Rose started to lead her to her room, where Calliope had been patiently waiting.

"It's still basically a mess of ideas. I don't even know where it might take place, given that our memo was invaded by... someone I might be connected with already." Once Rose was in her room with Jade, she picked up her laptop and waited for it to turn on, so she could research the matter.

"hmm?"

"You remember yesterday, when there was someone in our memo, claiming to be AnnaSophia Robb?"

"oh right! that incident" Jade instantly recalled. "hey calliope by the way! how are the humans?" As Jade and Calliope entered a chat, Rose could finally check the Internet. Quite understandably, she first searched for "homestuck character support group", as that was the conflicting name.

The other Homestuck Character Support Group turned out to be an idea from something else, called Calliope on the Update Gravestone. It had been made into the author's brand, as there was also a Tumblr blog, calliope-on-the-upd8-gravestone...

"I have an idea. About where we should move, since the memo is unavailable." Rose said, without paying attention to the fact that Jade and Calliope were in the middle of something. She then listened with one ear, as she entered another search term, "tumblr", to be able to register for it.

"well thats nice! so calliope what were you saying again?"

"i was saying that the past two days have taUght me to see hUmans not jUst as villains i shoUld avoid! i am not a sUrvivor of any sorts, jUst an ordinary cherUb girl."

This sentence by Calliope collided with something Rose was muttering to herself: "I don't think that Calliope on the Update Gravestone... wait a minute, did someone say "update girl"?"

"i dont think so?"

"Nevermind, must have been two people speaking at once. Anyway, that's what we'll be called. Calliope's Update Girl. Nice ring to it, don't you think?" Rose thus entered the name as a nickname and, turning on a text editor, began writing the introductory post for everyone.


	29. April 15, 2017 - "Envisioned"

" _We will be waiting on the other side. Rose Lalonde, April 15th, 2017._ " Rose finished writing [the introductory post](http://calliopes-update-girl.tumblr.com/post/116269147596/i-presume-that-we-need-an-introductory-post) and clicked "submit".

Of course, it would go without question that the post would not become viral or whatever the wacky definition was. For starters, Rose wasn't even sure if it was publicly available. Sure, the original blog that inspired her to create this blog was accessible through a Google search, but its author may have been promoting the work; hence the overtaken support group memo.

On the other hand, though, the people behind this blog didn't even need fame. As Rose was now diligently describing them in the "about us" page while messing around with the blog's theme, they seemed to be rather ordinary personalities, only shaped by one thing: they were Homestuck characters.

Rose had already neatly put them into groups. In this room, there was herself, Jade and Calliope, and they all agreed to be the founding members of the blog, after Rose had asked them quick questions. John was probably still asleep, while Dave was probably in some sort of brotherly ritual with his... brother, and therefore they were more distant, but not completely out of the reach.

Then there was Caliborn, who would very likely make an opportunity to antagonize Calliope, especially since she had accidentally become the figurehead of the group. For him, Rose made a new category, which could have been described as an enemies list, but there was still the sliver of hope that an agreement, no matter how difficult, could be made with this person.

Then there was Andrew Hussie.

From the first meeting the beta kids had with him, Andrew Hussie was an enigma wrapped in a mystery shrouded in a tight ball of secrets, surrounded by an even tighter ball of his comic that didn't allow those secrets through, surrounded by a larger circle of his fans, who appeared to be reaching far and wide. Even research on Andrew Hussie didn't yield much; Rose did learn that he was born in 1979 and that he had several other projects on his hands, including whatever the hell Hiveswap was, but then, she got deep into the well of Homestuck fans. And possibly Hiveswap fans as well.

While Rose was distracted, Jade decided to enter a chat with Calliope once again. "pretty nice beginnings huh?" she asked.

"coUld have been nicer. it really coUld. a lot of the ideas behind the sUpport groUp were becaUse we hated hUssie, and there is no way to change that!"

"that much is true..." Jade reluctantly agreed. "but think of it another way / you will slowly but surely become good friends with us four / and possibly even our kind!"

"i look forward to seeing what hUmans are like when they are not complimenting my cosplay!"

"wait / your cosplay? / are you telling me that you are not really a cherub?"

"no! i didn't mean that. i meant that other hUmans are talking aboUt cosplay! i am really a cherUb. there are articles aboUt me. rose?"

"Yes?" Rose had already gone deep into the net, and unearthed a comic strip about Jeffrey Rowland, another comic artist from Easthampton, welcoming Hussie into the town... on October 1st, 2010. A pretty long time, and very likely, Hussie had gotten acquainted with everything during the time.

"coUld yoU perhaps look Up stUdies on me?"

"Hmm. I'm not sure if any of those were published on the Web, but perhaps we can ask my mother." Rose closed her laptop, so that neither Jade nor Calliope could do anything funny to it, and went to her mother's room. "Hey, lead research consultant R. Lalonde?"

"hey thats no fare / im mom to u / an besides once i got shot in 98 i coldnt do anymore sciences on the survivos slash ur new friends"

"Caliborn is not my friend."

"then he shold be" At those words, Rose slightly flinched. Caliborn? Her friend? He didn't really want to be anyone's friend, and at this rate, it didn't seem like his personality could be fixed.

"Anyway, Calliope is wondering what research you did on her. Perhaps you have a folder left over?"

"maybes / lemme check" Rose's mother opened a drawer and rummaged through the papers. She had done a lot of science during the time, and there was a year on each folder, so it was only a matter of looking for anything with 1996, 1997 or 1998 and any words on "survivors" or "Easthampton".

Rose, slightly curious, peered over what her mother was searching for, and immediately her eyes were caught on the folder in question. She swiped it, leaving her mother dumbfounded and making her realize, once again, that she had been drinking a little bit too much. "There we go. Thank you. I can take these, right?"

"there all sorts a classified / bu as long as they dont leave the house its all fine ba me"

"I'll take that as a yes." Rose returned to her own room, where Jade and Calliope were chatting, once again, and handed the folder over to the cherub. "And I already found it. Now we can all learn something about a species that we will never encounter again."

Jade quickly moved closer to Calliope, looking at the folder. All the details about the aliens were captured and recorded, and the resulting documents were fairly long. Calliope finally felt relief that something that had been kept secret from her had been revealed, while Jade looked at the observations and asked something along the lines of "do cherubs really do that?"

Rose, though, once again was the one left out. She presumed that it was time for her to blog again, even if she had absolutely no idea how to blog.

Perhaps, if she made posts with random comment related to her and her friends, she would hit the jackpot sometime. If not, then there always was the memo, even if it was overrun by rabid Homestuck fans.


	30. April 15, 2017 - "Problems with the Design"

After thinking of what to blog for several minutes, Rose closed her laptop. She only said "I need a bathroom break." before she ran off her room, leaving Jade and Calliope alone.

"why does she always close her laptop when she leaves?" Jade wondered, looking away from the folder. The pictures and articles were already scattered across the room haphazardly, and there was no piecing them back to their original order (not that there was any need to, since the research had already been shelved).

"there is only one way to find oUt!" Calliope declared and opened the laptop, only to realize that access to its content was password-protected. Calliope then closed the laptop, but just as she shut the lid, Rose returned. "What did you do with my personal belongings?"

"nothing! i swear!" Calliope immediately defended herself.

"Of course you didn't. You couldn't even get to anything." Rose sat down, picked up the laptop and entered the password. However, due to a typo she overlooked, the password was deemed incorrect, leading her to type it again much slower, so that she knew each letter was correct. There were also capital letters, numbers and symbols in the mix, making the writing seem a bit alien if all you watched being written were stories.

"That does serve to introduce a point, though." Rose opened Tumblr and began writing another blog post with the words " _[There might be some problems with the design of this blog.](http://calliopes-update-girl.tumblr.com/post/116629765108/there-might-be-some-problems-with-the-design-of)_ "

Jade, though, couldn't resist to take a look at what was going on at the screen. Rose shut it before Jade could read anything and commented: "Did you really need to know what I am writing about, knowing that this is a public Internet site?"

"yes!! / are you writing about what is going on right now?"

"Yes. Come on, think. That is the only way in which I know how to blog." Rose continued to type her message. It took her a while, and when she was done, she demonstratively clicked the mouse to publish the message.

"Alright, if you know a better way, then be my guest. Just don't mess up anything on my computer." Rose clicked on the button that would create a new text post, and handed the laptop to Jade. She began typing, commenting on her own process in the meantime: "see first we need a friendly message"

"I already dropped a friendly message when I started this blog. That didn't tell me anything. Then you comment on your situation, right?" That much, Rose could figure out even without having any experience with blogging. After all, the same situation was on forums: you had to tell others what the deal was with you, so others would listen to you. It was common sense, really.

"right!" As Jade typed, something in her text ended up catching Rose's attention. The number 90 jumped across her eyes, setting off all kinds of imaginary alarms.

"Alright, no. Stop. Give the laptop back to me." Rose demanded.

"but i havent finished the blog post"

"This is an important matter. You just said that you have read less Homestuck than me."

"you have read more?" Jade wondered. She knew that Rose was at Hussie's, but didn't expect her to actually read Homestuck without everyone else.

"Yes? To the end of Act 1. And you, Calliope?"

"i only had read to the same point as jade with dave!"

"Right, Dave." Rose turned away. With a few clicks of the computer, she was now back at the MS Paint Adventures website, thinking about which page would be the 90th. She looked at the "log", but the "log" for Homestuck had spanned a long way, and seemed to include spoilers along the way. Who was Alpha Male? Who was Jane? Who was Terezi? Who was- okay, Karkat was one of the trolls, that much Rose knew.

But still, she wasn't supposed to know. She only decided to know because it would have made talking to certain people easier, and that was considered a direr matter than just trying to experience some story.

Though, these were only secondary problems, and now experiencing some story would be the primary concern. Rose instead showed the first few entries of the log, the all-familiar "Homestuck" and "Enter name.", to Jade and Calliope. She then allowed Jade to scroll upwards, where she found her position and clicked on one of the many blue links, and therefore the read of Homestuck was on again.

* * *

Rose sighed in relief when she finally could pick up the laptop again. The read of Homestuck went on mostly smoothly, even though the blonde felt the need to pause it at certain moments to add more entries to her blog, and Calliope and Jade questioned each other about what made Rose so protective of her electronic possessions. Then they tried turning to the folders of the cherub content, but found that they already had read through the entirety of it, essentially.

Jade thus began picking up the photos and putting them back to the folder. Once she was finished, she tried to get Rose's attention by saying "um rose? we dont need this anymore", but there was no luck, as now the only thing in her mind was entering and reclaiming the Support Group memo. Thus, Jade and Calliope decided that it would actually be for the best if they left Rose alone, and went outside her room.

Rose's mother was, at the time, blowing the dust off the walls, and therefore didn't need to be searched for. "hey, mrs. lalonde? i liked the research and all, bUt yoU shoUld have it now!"

"wat no" the adult woman said, not even looking at the two. "this is literaley u / an ur bro and alls / have it i dont relay need it"

"hUh. alright, then see yoU at other times!" Calliope held more tightly to her folder and left the house, instead deciding that Jade needed to show her where she had gotten to. "why don't we go to your hoUse?"

"alright then!" Jade and Calliope finally left the Lalonde household, feeling that they left something that was eternally shrouded in sadness.


	31. April 15, 2017 - "Villains"

The sun had already risen high enough for it to be considered day at -0.955766 / -174.759521, and thus all the extraneous light sources had been removed. Instead, the Condesce and "ASBusinessMagnet" ("See, this is what happens when you don't adhere to rigorous rules when naming individuals of your species. That's why all the names we have are in this 6/6 pattern." the Condesce commented, once she learned how her second-newest subject called himself) were now sketching plans at the floor of the room where Jade had once slept not too long ago.

"Alright, how about this?" The Condesce drew up another plan, struggling to comment on it with "Latin" letters instead of the ones she was used to back on Alternia. As she had come to learn, "Latin" also wasn't a word meant to describe the Earth, but instead one for one of its nations, just like "English", and to further complicate the matters, the "Latin" and the "English" were tangentially related in some way. Everything about the humans was counter-intuitive, and once it was taken over - if it was taken over - everything would change to be actually intuitive.

"I see only one problem with this particular plan." The "Crockertier" (the Condesce decided that she was going to call him that, as it was pretty much the only acceptable alternative) commented.

"Yes?"

"It's _boring_. Come on, don't we as villains have any sort of style? We can do much better than that."

"Yeah, but remember. We must cause no suspicion. Webcomic Dude already flipped his shit when I messaged him, and therefore we mustn't be even that direct." The Condesce tried to say "I'm the troll empress, you should be listening to me unconditionally" in the most subtle way possible, and it wasn't working. Furthermore, the more she talked to the man, the more she began to think that perhaps he was smarter than her.

"But then... what is left for us to do?"

"I don't know. Message someone less relevant?"

"Yes, and where are we going with that? Are we just going to scare everyone so they all begin fighting us? Wait a minute." The Crockertier suddenly emitted a tick, signaling a change of plans. "I know some people who will never fight us."

"Haha. We're getting somewhere, baby." The Condesce finally smiled.

Meanwhile, the Crockertier decided to check out what was going on with "the main characters". He went on the Support Group memo again and watched patiently. He wouldn't comment; oh no. He would only watch.

He noticed something mentioned about a blog, and realized it. There was now a version of the calliope-on-the-upd8-gravestone blog, except founded by "the real Homestuck characters". The only mystery would be in figuring out what the title of the blog was.

Just as then, someone messaged him. It was one of his friends from the memo, who had made sure to tell him of the developments, including the address of the blog. Thus, the job had already been done without any cool detective powers needed.

 _Calliope's Update Girl. Has a nice ring to it,_ the Crockertier muttered to himself as he checked the blog out.

What he saw on the front page, though, ended up shocking him. It was a message from what he believed to be one of his friends to the blog. Rose had already diligently responded to him, and she had offered the friend to become a permanent member of the support group, despite not being a Homestuck character.

This was bad news. This was really, really bad news.

As it turned out, his friends in fact _couldn't_ be trusted. They had already become friends with the kids, and the kids had already become friends with the trolls, and the trolls were definitely the Condesce's enemies, since she had said something about Karkat wanting to murder her with his sickle. Of course, this was still at a sketchy "friend of my friend of my enemy" level, but it could soon develop into something even stronger.

"We might need to go about this in a more direct way." The Crockertier concluded.

"What? No. Didn't you hear what I had to say?"

"Then, if I disagree with you, why are you still restraining me? Without you, I'm just a civilian waiting to be murdered." The Crockertier objected once again. (JodlJodlJodl)

The Condesce remained silent for a while. Feferi, who had gone on to explore the island and found nothing of interest, finally returned to Jade's room, interrupting what the Condesce wanted to say even further. ")(ey! Is everyt)(ing ocray?"

"No, everything is definitely not okay. You know what, you kids should spend time together." Feferi thus took the Crockertier's hand.

"I )(ave so muc)( to s)(ow you! For a little island, it is definitely not boring."

"Oh, alright. That will clear my mind for a while." The Crockertier reluctantly agreed, and the Condesce returned to her plans.

Her plans which were now ruined by some footprints and "Latin" letters.

The Condesce thus struggled to re-draw everything with materials immediately available to her. **  
**

* * *

\-- draconianNeptune [DN] began pestering aperturescienceBusinessmagnet [AB] \--  
  
DN: yo asbm  
DN: heres the dow lown:  
DN: everyones going crazy right now  
DN: terezi karkat dave and rose have all appeared on our memo  
DN: and rose has even founded a blog  
DN: much like your blog of update gravestone i must say  
DN: here it is  
DN: http://calliopes-update-girl.tumblr.com/  
DN: and we kind of figured that we should assist people there  
DN: asbm is it coming through  
DN: dont tell me youre still a crocker  
DN: oh god dammit  
DN: this isnt even reaching you  
DN: alright talk to you some other date  
DN: when youre not a batshit crazy robot who might save us all should the troll empress seize our planet  
DN: thanks in advance for that  
DN: but yeah  
DN: snap out of it already  
DN: unless it was all roleplay in which case im really mad  
DN: but in any case seeya

\-- draconianNeptune  [DN]  ceased pestering aperturescienceBusinessmagnet  [AB]  \--


	32. April 15, 2017 - XII

\-- tentacleTherapist124  [TT]  began pestering grimmeAuxiliary  [GA]  \--

TT: Hello again, Kanaya.  
GA: Why Hello Rose  
GA: What Are You Doing This Fine Morning  
TT: You know how I am founding a support group that Karkat surely told you about?  
GA: Support Group  
GA: I Believe I Am Familiar With The General Idea But Not The Details  
TT: I am not willing to repeat myself over and over again.  
TT: That's why I have created an Internet site that can explain the deal better than me.  
TT: http://calliopes-update-girl.tumblr.com/  
GA: This Will Take A While To Read So I Will Comment On It As I Read  
TT: Okay.  
GA: Is It All Humans So Far  
TT: No.  
TT: As far as I can tell, Calliope and Caliborn are something named "cherubim".  
GA: But Not Trolls  
TT: What are trolls like?  
GA: We Have Gray Skin And Yellow Irises  
GA: And Horns That Remind Some Of Candy Corn  
TT: Yeah, I think I have met a troll in real life already.  
TT: And nope, the cherubim are something entirely different.  
TT: Forest green skin, no hair at all...  
GA: I Have Not Encountered Such Individuals In Any Novel From Those That I Have Read  
TT: Alright.  
TT: So now I know that there are at least two, if not more, different alien species running around.  
GA: It Is Quite A Surprise That Such Non People Exist  
GA: Even To Me  
GA: But I Choose To Accept The Obvious Fact That They Exist  
TT: I agree that it is self-evident.  
TT: With that out of the way, may we piece the puzzle together further?  
GA: Yes Please  
GA: So You Are In The Same General Location As Andrew Hussie  
TT: Yes, unfortunately.  
TT: That means that despite the banding of friendship that is to occur, we are also interrupted every now and then and something is told about Homestuck.  
GA: That Is Rather Unfortunate  
GA: Just When I Thought That I Met My Life Partner  
TT: Hold your sort of animals that are not horses.  
GA: Why Not Horses  
TT: Because Hussie likes them.  
GA: Fair Enough  
TT: We only met yesterday.  
TT: I do get that there was some "divine" intervention that made you aware of me long before we had a chance to meet, but the reverse is not true and I haven't met you as a godly guide.  
TT: Therefore, we should keep our romantic advances to ourselves.  
GA: Alright I Will Keep That In Mind  
GA: Since We Know That Can We Discuss The Comic In An Objective Manner  
TT: And agree that I have nothing to do with the game that you played?  
GA: But Rose Human  
TT: Rose Lalonde.  
TT: Not all humans have the surname "Human".  
TT: That's horrible.  
GA: Rose Lalonde  
GA: Your Name Was Right On The Walkthrough  
TT: So what?  
TT: My name was also in Homestuck, and we know for a fact that I did not write the Internet comic.  
GA: Huh  
GA: Alright Then Lets Agree  
GA: You Did Not Write The Walkthrough  
GA: But You Still Must Have A Lot In Common With The Person Who Did  
TT: Andrew Hussie?  
GA: If He Really Did Create Homestuck Then Yes  
TT: To begin with, he's arrogant, and he is always surrounded by a swarm of fans that make him think of Homestuck and Homestuck only.  
TT: Then, the mere fact that he exists might have gotten us in trouble with some "Her Imperious Condescension".  
GA: Um  
GA: How Do You Know The Troll Empresss Name  
TT: Hussie likes to spoil Homestuck.  
GA: Spoiling A Novels Ending Is Always Seen As Unsavory In Every Literature Reading I Have Been To  
GA: But Since There Seems To Be More Than Just The Novel To It And Instead There Is The Entanglement Of Human And Troll Lives Alike  
TT: Don't forget cherub lives.  
GA: I Am Not  
GA: It Is Just That I Have Never Met A Cherub In Person  
TT: Alright.  
GA: Then I Accept This As The Preferred Method Of Gathering Information  
TT: So, checking out the MSPA Wiki it is, even though I will keep running into stuff I'm not even remotely familiar with.  
GA: The MSPA Wiki  
TT: You see, Kanaya, single humans are always the amateurs when it comes to describing large pieces of human literature, such as the Harry Potter series you might be familiar with, or Homestuck.  
GA: Or The Twilight Saga  
TT: Do not mention Twilight in my presence.  
TT: Or Fifty Shades of Grey, for that matter.  
GA: Oh Alright  
TT: Which means that they begin to gather in groups and share their partial knowledge, which thus begins to clump into larger and larger pieces.  
TT: It is a human invention, which we call "wisdom of the crowds", or "wiki" by some Japanese folk, probably, and we are so proud of it you have no idea.  
GA: Some Troll Authorities Did Attempt To Gather All Troll History But Were Never Successful  
GA: Perhaps If Wiki Was Used Here We Would Be Even More Successful At Interstellar Conquest  
TT: But then again, you must have had spaceships capable of faster-than-light travel, right?  
GA: And You Do Not  
TT: No, we do not.  
GA: I Will Tell Karkat  
GA: Maybe He Will Listen To The Reason That Is Both Of Us  
TT: That is a good plan.  
TT: Since, as you see, I have to message someone else.  
GA: Who Would That Be  
TT: Remember the part where I said that I cannot use the Pesterchum memo, since someone else has taken on the nickname?  
GA: Fans Of A Homestuck Fan Story Named Calliope On The Update Gravestone  
TT: That one.  
TT: I want to have a word with their leader.  
TT: And maybe learn a word of the "Lithuanian" language.  
GA: Is That Not A Country In South America  
GA: As Far As I Know They All Speak Spanish And Portuguese  
TT: No, I'm pretty sure it is in Europe.  
GA: Right  
GA: Human Geography Sure Is Confusing  
GA: If You Get Anything From The Non-Troll Leader Be Sure To Inform Me As Soon As Possible  
TT: I will.  
GA: Farewell And Good Luck  
TT: I am going to need luck if we are to make any progress.  
GA: You Will Know Luck When You See It  
GA: You Are The Seer Of Light After All  
TT: Haha, I wish I was.  
TT: At any rate, goodbye.

\-- tentacleTherapist124  [TT]  ceased pestering grimmeAuxiliary  [GA]  \--


	33. April 15, 2017 - XIII

\-- tentacleTherapist124  [TT]  began pestering aperturescienceBusinessmagnet  [AB]  \--

TT: Greetings, Memo Leader and Story Author.  
AB: Rose Lalonde the Update Girl.  
TT: Why are your words red?  
TT: I thought that you were going to type in blue, as per the automated message above.  
AB: Suffice to say that I am part of a group that I will always find better.  
TT: And that group would be?  
AB: With Her Imperious Condescension herself.  
TT: The troll empress, also known as Betty Crocker.  
TT: Who is apparently targeting Hussie.  
AB: Yes, she is targeting Hussie.  
AB: How do you know so much already, despite having learned about Homestuck two days ago?  
AB: I mean, not that the knowledge in question is included within Homestuck, but still.  
TT: How do you know that I learned about Homestuck two days ago, let alone that I have the moniker of "Update Girl"?  
AB: My friends already told me all about your blog.  
AB: And because I am... suffice to say "a fast reader", I have already read every single page there.  
AB: It is good, but it will never beat the literary masterpiece that is Calliope on the Update Gravestone.  
TT: It is not a competition.  
TT: Especially not one between the real life and a fictional story.  
AB: Right, so it isn't.  
AB: Still, I reserve the right to be the superior entity, if only by means of "special powers".  
TT: And those powers would be?  
AB: Why should I tell you?  
AB: It isn't very good villain practice to boast about one's powers, because then the heroes can devise a method of defeat.  
TT: Assuming that you need to be defeated.  
AB: Imagine a scenario where I am not defeated.  
TT: The Condesce goes through with her plans, and Hussie is likely to be no more.  
TT: That means that I am liberated from his gnarly claws, and therefore am free to live my own life, rather than continue to be a mere Internet comic character.  
AB: Wrong thing #1: even if Hussie is dead, you will not cease to be a Homestuck character.  
AB: Wrong thing #2: the Condesce is not planning to kill Hussie.  
AB: We three already discussed it.  
TT: Three?  
AB: You have no right to know who the third one is.  
TT: Very well.  
TT: I shall discover anyway, just as I discovered who the rest of the trolls are.  
AB: Right.  
AB: Even though you are a mere pawn in the greater scheme, you still want to know everything before your untimely demise.  
TT: I shall not perish without a fight.  
AB: Special powers.  
AB: Enough said.  
TT: Mentioning "special powers" while refusing to elaborate on them leads me to believe that they are not as extensive as the term might imply.  
AB: Practices of someone who is actually good at not making the mistakes of a stereotypical villain.  
TT: Okay, at this point I must conclude that it is all really an act and that you are not captured by anyone.  
AB: What if it is true?  
AB: When you read Homestuck, you will know that even without me, the Condesce is a real threat.  
TT: Unless I do not read Homestuck.  
AB: What happened to the support group?  
TT: Reading the Internet comic was never integral to the support group.  
TT: Rather, it was a move from Andrew Hussie, who is convinced that we must know everything.  
AB: So, you are going against Hussie...  
TT: Yes.  
AB: ...and the Condesce.  
TT: Most likely, as whatever ensues will not be good enough.  
TT: Even if you are playing tricks on me, I know that Karkat and the other trolls are not.  
AB: And what makes me different from Karkat?  
TT: The fact that, most likely, you are not in the Internet comic.  
TT: Especially since your nickname is referencing the intellectual property of something else.  
AB: Right.  
TT: No, but seriously.  
TT: Can you quit it with the red text?  
TT: I can still see the blue.  
AB: No.  
TT: Is it part of the act?  
AB: Why do you continue with the act ideation?  
AB: I mean, so far your messages have been inconsistent.  
TT: Unless someone other than you can prove it, I will still deem you an irrelevant threat.  
)(IC: aright fuckas this conversations been goin fo long enough  
)(IC: you tryna put me to sleep or what  
AB: It is her.  
AB: See? I would consider that enough proof.  
TT: Miss Her Imperious Condescension, how did you enter a private conversation?  
)(IC: cantcha see  
)(IC: this kid is in ma control  
)(IC: an if u say somethin bout an act once again  
)(IC: ur as dead as hussie is  
TT: Alright, alright.  
TT: I believe you.  
TT: Now, what is there to your evil plan?  
)(IC: didnt u get it fro the kid  
)(IC: not tellin u  
)(IC: hes seriously makin a good point  
TT: Ha ha.  
TT: Even though you are "the superior entity", you are still taking tips from him.  
)(IC: i AM the superior entity  
)(IC: finks v much  
)(IC: its just that things work w/ trolls  
)(IC: bu they dont work w/ humans  
TT: Hmm.  
TT: You are seriously making a good point.  
TT: I admire your thinking, considering he did not hint it to you as well.  
)(IC: look ive been wearin the stupid tiara maself  
)(IC: gives u hella of powers bu a) i dont need it  
)(IC: an b) the nowledge of the comic is actshelly important  
)(IC: a thin i didnt expect but hey  
)(IC: even an empress for 413612 sweeps can learn  
)(IC: aright tho imma cut this conversation be4 i tell too much  
)(IC: seeya later  
)(IC: i meen i hope i dont get 2 see u again because ull be dead  
)(IC: in fact since ur a nowledge black hole ill make killin u a first priority in case the battle begins  
)(IC: but anyway  
)(IC: seeya  
)(IC: have fun w/ ur support group or whatevas  
TT: I will.  
TT: Goodbye to both of you.  
AB: Farewell.  
)(IC: peace out

\-- tentacleTherapist124  [TT]  ceased pestering aperturescienceBusinessmagnet  [AB]  \--


	34. April 15, 2017 - "Acquainted"

"Well, fuck if that wasn't a waste of our precious time." The Condesce said, looking at the one of her two subjects.

"Why is everything so familiar?" The subject said, noticing the dynamics between himself, the Condesce and Feferi. In his mind, there was a computer screen, and in the screen, he selected some of the last words the Empress said, in particular "seeya later / i meen i hope i dont get 2 see u again because ull be dead".

Something else played in his head. It wasn't even remotely related to Homestuck, and therefore the Condesce didn't recognize the recorded voice faintly speaking: " _Have a great weekend! I mean, I hope her weekend is not so great?_ " Feferi also had no clue what was going on; did their evil team acquire a fourth member (that isn't Becquerel)?

Therefore, the two only could guess what actually happened when the man completely disappeared. They could surmise that he tapped into Bec's powers to transport him... somewhere, but they couldn't guess his intention - if there was any.

"Alright, I should begin on tutoring you as an heiress." The Condesce declared, sighing.

* * *

Rose Lalonde decided to go out for a walk.

She knew that simply sitting by her laptop, blogging all day, won't do any good for her. Nor will the hanging out in a memo full of people from all around the world, if they didn't know about Homestuck. The only fountain of wisdom here was Andrew Hussie, and she could walk to his house and ask him all the relevant questions right now, if she wanted.

But she didn't want that. Instead, she just walked to her own accord, perhaps to better get acquainted with the structure of Easthampton. So far, as she had figured out, her and Dave's new houses were relatively close to each other, and John and Jade's were further down the road, as their own pair. Hussie and the cherubim actually lived opposite each other, but the windows on Calliope and Caliborn's house were placed in a certain way, so that neither ever got to see Hussie.

Unless they walked out, Rose thought as she recognized Calliope, walking along the street.

Now was not the time to engage in a conversation with her, though. Now was the time dedicated to herself and only herself.

And some creepy man in an entirely red suit, who reminded her of that other man in the chatroom who typed entirely in red.

"Surrender, Rose Quartz, for I-" The man began, pointing at her.

"Rose Lalonde." Why would anyone think she was a cartoon character? She was clearly a _webcomic_ character. There was a definite difference.

The man only retracted his hand. "Oh."

As she tried to dismiss this as "yet another occurrence when her name was called wrong", she realized that there were a lot of those occasions. "So, so far I have been called Annoying Blabbermouth, Flighty Broad, Annoying Flightymouth, Rose Human and now Rose Quartz. Amazing how no one can ever get my name right."

The man seemed as if he was going in for a laugh, but that didn't happen. It was as if some external force was controlling him, and it seemed to be attached to the tiara that no sane man would wear, because that particular piece of attire was only ever meant for females.

Everything was strange about him, and the more she looked at him, the more she realized that this was, in fact, the same red-typing person from the memo.

And she was not ready to deal with him alone.

* * *

Calliope knew going out was risky, especially since her brother wasn't around, and would get mad searching for her. Yet, once she had learned about Homestuck, she couldn't resist to see what the world had actually become, once she was recognized as a fictional character... or, well, someone pretending to be a fictional character, by everyone except for the harbinger of mayhem, Andrew Hussie himself.

And as it seemed, the world had actually been quite happy to have a fictional tale for itself. Even if pretending to be someone was annoying from that someone's perspective, the one who was doing it was clearly respecting both the fictional work and its characters. And even though some fans might say that Homestuck sucks for whatever reason, in their heart, they still loved it.

When Calliope finished that thought, she looked up to see who was on the street. She recognized Rose; it seemed that she had gotten out of one of her moods and was ready to embrace the world herself, but by her side there was also someone dressed almost entirely in red whom she didn't recognize. Were there more people coming to live in the town?

No, it couldn't be. As far as she had checked the openings, there were definitely four houses for sale, and in the next newspaper issue, there were none of them. In the same way, Hussie was only expecting four kids, and someone fifth didn't even remotely fill in the role. That would have been ridiculous, just as the idea that she could ever make a friendship with a human being.

Or maybe it wasn't that ridiculous, and she just needed to make her own step forward - quite literally. She stepped over to where Rose and the man were, and saw that they weren't discussing anything - just being in the awkward silence.

The man, though, was the first to notice her. He began talking, as suddenly as the circuits in his head allowed it: "So, what exactly makes you so special that Rose would have named your blog after you?"

"That, someone who I never met before but who I suspect will become largely relevant even though you are not part of Homestuck, is a long story. Luckily, I found some newspapers covering the story, so even when I was months old, I know it as if I was there myself. It all started with a meteor falling onto this very town that we are standing in…"


	35. April 15, 2017 - "Incidental"

"It all started with a meteor falling onto this very town that we are standing in. At first, when we realized that it carried alien lifeforms - that would be you, Calliope, and your brother, we thought it would actually be an elaborate spaceship, but the more we looked into it, the more we realized that it was probably just a rock from space. Nevertheless, the aliens intrigued the scientific community and we began investigation, raising you and your brother in this house." Rose began explaining, but soon faced the reality that the man in red standing in front of her just wasn't that easily interested by anything.

Given his personality, thus he pretty much instantly began nitpicking. "I thought you were telling the whole ordeal to me?

Rose was startled by the man's attitude, but nevertheless tried explaining herself: "Excuse me, but both you and Calliope are here and I am trying to interest you both..."

"actUally, i already know a lot of the deal! yoU showed me the research, remember?" Calliope chimed in, trying to settle the argument between Rose and the man calmly.

This did nothing to please the spirit of Betty Crocker clearly showing through the cold, calculated face and the red suit. "So, there has been physical research on the cherub twins and while you could show it to me, instead you choose to take the boring (and not to mention inaccurate) path. Unbelievable. Just give me a moment."

Rose frowned. "ASBusinessMagnet, you know that we're nowhere near on personal terms. And just because we've seen each other's nicknames on some language learning site, that does not mean that we..."

Before she could finish her sentence, though, the man snapped his fingers on one hand, and instantly, on the other hand, a folder appeared. It was the same folder that Rose and Calliope recognized, with a clear marking of the year when the research was conducted: 1996-1998. The man then opened the folder and began reading through the files.

As soon as he began reading, though, Rose and Calliope both noticed something peculiar about his attitude. He only took a second or two to look through each article and photo, and judging by the subtle change in his expression, he _was_ actually reading through it in its entirety, rather than skimming. No, this was no man; it was some sort of biological computer, meant specifically for the purpose of infiltrating the... the what?

Rose thought that there was really nothing to be infiltrated. There was her group, which was turning more organized by the hour. There was Andrew Hussie and whatever he was involved in; however, if this was a personal attack on Hussie, since the being had teleportation abilities, wouldn't the scene be taking place inside Hussie's home? And lastly, there were the cherubs themselves, but Rose admittedly had little knowledge on them. Her mother had been tightlipped about the research during the time.

Calliope, though, had none of these thoughts. She may have had some issues with her personal security, but the curiosity about the personality and wellbeing of the man took over and thus she took the courage to ask him: "yoU sUrely can't be reading it all that fast?"

"Photographic memory." The man was still flipping through the pages and clearly didn't want to be interrupted. After all, at the pace he was working, even the shortest interruption - even something as short as hearing a shot in the distance, that couldn't last more than a second - felt like an eternity to him; an eternity that could be spent productively.

"i don't think that's a thing, thoUgh..." Calliope remained confused.

"In unaltered humans or cherubs." The second response seemed to be even shorter than the first, even if it carried more information.

It was followed by a longer uneasy silence from both the girls, coupled with the incessant flipping of the pages. The amount of research that could be done in two years was finite, however, and eventually, the man closed the folder, then snapped again, making the folder disappear. "I tried to aim for your mom's room. I don't know the precise structure myself."

"bUt how?" The ultimate feeling that predominated in Calliope was pure awe over the man's abilities.

"Indeed, an explanation would be nice." Rose agreed.

"No. For one, I am a terrible explainer." Without so much as a goodbye, the man went away, eventually snapping again and disappearing entirely.

Then, he appeared again, as if being unsure of his actions.

Then, he disappeared.

Rose and Calliope both independently concluded that he was simply not theirs to be figured out.

* * *

Elsewhere in Easthampton, two people, a man and a woman, accidentally bumped their shoulders into each other and fell over. Both seemed to be rushing to a single place; one with an acute knowledge of the city could determine where that place was.

They exchanged looks, then laughed. They both seemed to be rather playful for their age (though, admittedly the woman was slightly older).

"One could almost think that we're here for the same guy." The woman was the first to get up and to speak.

"Haha, no idea. All that I know is that I'm visiting Hussie for another anniversary." The man quickly followed the woman, and both began walking, this time together.

The woman burst into laughter again. "Me too, sort of. It's also a family business, since I'm engaged to his brother. Joey Claire, nice to meet you."

"Toby Fox. Nice to meet you too."

"Wait, you're Toby Fox, creator of Undertale?" Joey realized.

"Hold up. You're Joey Claire? From Hiveswap? The same one?" Toby suddenly stopped in his tracks.

Both were looking at each other with awe.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's idiotisms: I have retconned this and all previous chapters, so that they take place in 2017 instead of 2016. Just in case the changes didn't come through, pretend I actually meant 2017.
> 
> Oh, and I am _still_ not trans in the future.


	36. April 15, 2017 - "Casa de Strider"

Suddenly, without warning, Rose clicked her fingers and looked at Calliope. "Wait a minute." She said.

"yes?" The more they talked to each other, the more clear it was that they should have been friends earlier on.

"The man teleported your research from your house... back to mine."

"i don't really know!"

"You should have paid attention to what he said. Anyway, now he's gone and I have to give it to you again. Be right back." Rose ran off through the street, leaving Calliope standing.

Calliope took a moment to think about what had just happened. She was actually free and among people who accepted her as a cherub, for the first time. Never in her life had she experienced that feeling of a weight being lifted off her chest, even when she worked on her commissions; those were still a matter of necessity, as she needed to be financially stable.

But with the other so-called "Homestuck characters", Calliope felt an actual friendship.

While she was left struck by the feeling, Rose came back, slightly panting from running to her house and back here. "Here. Anyway. I just remembered that there's an issue on the Internet, and I kind of need to be there, so goodbye. You're welcome at my house anytime." She handed the familiar folder to Calliope once again and ran back to her house.

Of course, Calliope wouldn't follow just yet. Rose was still Rose; not only she seemed to be fairly busy, but she had the sort of personality that criticized everyone else.

But perhaps there were some which she hadn't gotten to know quite yet.

Calliope decided to walk up to and knock on the door of the nearest newly acquired house that wasn't Rose's.

* * *

Toby and Joey practically burst into Hussie's house. They were laughing along the entire way, sharing jokes from both Homestuck and Undertale, almost as if they had been friends for a while, rather than having just met, as was the actual case.

As such, Andrew and Shelby were quite surprised by how well they went along. Nevertheless, there was something even more shocking in the artist's eyes. "Wait a minute... you look an awful lot like Joey from Hiveswap!"

"That's because she _is_ Joey from Hiveswap." Hussie said, and Joey only nodded. Hussie then went on to acknowledge the other newcomer: "And that's Toby from Undertale. Care to visit my Basement Undertale Museum?"

"Nah. Just to wish a happy 4/13. A bit late, but hey, we're adults with plans." Toby laughed, and with him, everyone else in the room did as well.

"With that out of the way, yeah." Hussie said. "Hey, since Hiveswap is apparently real together with Homestuck... Joey, care to tell us what Alternia was like?"

"Well..." Joey attempted to begin.

Nevertheless, due to Toby, the tale was delayed a bit. "Yeah. Perfect. Let's just recap Hiveswap."

"Am I right?" Hussie participated in the shitty joke as well.

" _Anyway_." Joey quickly stopped everyone, and began for real. "It's been a while since the tale happened, and I might not remember everything, but I'll try. I was playing outside with my brother Jude and our dog outside when we were attacked by some monsters..."

* * *

Dave's brother was quick to open the door after hearing Calliope knock, and furthermore recognized her as "that new friend" and let her in without much hassle.

She actually was quite surprised by what she saw inside, though. In less than a week, Dave and Bro had already made a complete mess out of their new house, with weird-shaped puppets being thrown astray, as well as GameBro magazines and wires. She had to be quite careful not to step on anything, admittedly for the first time in her life.

She found Dave by his computer. On one screen, he was "chilling" on a game made entirely out of blocks, each a square meter tall, wide and long, and on another, having a Pesterchum memo opened. He barely even noticed Calliope settle on his bed, but the fact that he looked to her and back to the screens was enough to tell that he did notice.

"oh hey" Dave drummed his fingers on the desk, trying to remember who the alien was, and after a while, put his palm on the desk, remembering. "caligood girl" He then went back to furiously operating the computer keyboard and mouse.

"yes. hello!" Calliope decided not to correct Dave.

"just wanted to chill in casa de strider together with me i suppose / really theres not much reason to be going here" Dave didn't even bother looking away from the screens, yet it was still clear that he was talking to her.

"i... gUess? yeah, yoU have a point!" Calliope shrugged, then decided to give the folder she was holding another glance. The inscription, "Easthampton Meteor Survivors - 1996-1998", was unchanging as ever, as was the cold hand of the scientists who looked after her and Caliborn during those dreary days. She shivered, but Dave didn't even take notice because of his game.

Dave then suddenly changed demeanor, showing that he was no longer interested in Calliope. "oh ho ho guess what we have here / miss this support group thing is totally workin out" He shut off the window of the game, focusing on the chat full time. This also made Calliope put the research aside and peer over the computer screen.

She could make out that it was the same Homestuck Character Support Group memo that she, Jade and John had created, but with different people. And it seemed that some of them weren't even Homestuck characters...?

Unable to piece what was going on, Calliope got back onto Dave's bed and flipped through the research folder once again, while Dave himself was busy proving someone wrong on the Internet.


	37. April 15, 2017 - "Chara's Greenlight Child"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's idiotisms: The following text contains major spoilers for Undertale's pacifist run. Now, I will begin telling why that sentence is important and why you shouldn't be skipping this text and trying to scroll down, especially since the paragraph alone is going to block the rest of the text out.
> 
> As far as I've gathered from other videos featuring "the following video contains major spoilers for Undertale's [neutral/pacifist/genocide] ending/Undertale. Just Undertale" in general, apparently it's a unique game in both storytelling and gameplay and it is really best experienced firsthand. Yet, there is something that has ruined Undertale for me already, even before I heard any video say that:
> 
> The fandom.
> 
> The fandom, ideally, should not be bothering with spoilers. They should be enjoying whatever it is they enjoy for what it is, and perceiving it as a complete unit, not divided into endings like that.
> 
> And yet, they do the spoiler warnings, as if there are people among us that simply do not have the energy to play the game, and instead experience it through Let's Plays. I mean, yeah, even Toby himself calls you out on that last one, but you get me.
> 
> That is why, if I ever complete Undertale, it will be some sort of a publicity stunt, like a Let's Play that directly takes input from the commenters. Like Twitch Plays Pokémon. You liked Twitch Plays Pokémon, right?
> 
> Alright, by this time you surely must have begun skipping and seeing where the spoiler warning ends and where the actual story begins, so I'll stop.

 

* * *

But Toby Fox wasn't listening. After Joey's first words, he was completely lost. Soon, as she retold the adventures that, without a single doubt, stayed in her mind as if they were yesterday, Toby's thoughts began drifting, and without even realizing it, he had created an elaborate world for himself, separate from anything she ever said.

Not that a majority of the world in question had not been already painstakingly created over the years, but you understand.

* * *

_Incredible work. Somewhere, felt a door opening...!_

"Well, screw." Toby thought, then took the time to look around himself and at himself in this imaginary universe.

As was customary for the Undertale world, also known as the Underground, in this universe Toby wasn't human. Rather, he had the body of a small canine of the Shibe breed, who allegedly mashed the keyboard so many times that Undertale just magically happened. The Annoying Dog, as Toby was known in the Undertale world, then proceeded to casually appear in various places, generally being annoying, but not influencing the plot that much.

The main influence was still given to the player, who was controlling a human child named whatever they pleased (but who was commonly known as "Chara"), who in turn was controlling another human child, Frisk.

By the very nature, it seemed that the three had decided to go for what is known as a "pacifist" run. It does take some effort to see every single monster, from Sans and Papyrus to Tsunderplane and Jerry, as their own being with their own motivation and refuse to kill them, and what's more, Frisk had to find friends in Papyrus, Undyne and Alphys to even get to see Flowey's true form, Toriel and Asgore's child Asriel Dreemurr. Then, to get the particular message that Toby heard, one had to get through whatever a "credits sequence" was, which doesn't really exist in this world.

Screw indeed. At best, someone was like No Hit Runs, and just wanted to try and get through Asriel and the credits without being damaged. At worst, someone was out there to get Toby.

Little did Toby know, though, that the message would not come into real play until later.

Much later.

* * *

_MT. EBOTT_  
_SEPTEMBER 15, 2023_

Eight years.

That is how long ago the monsters were freed from the Underground and tackled whatever they wanted to do head first. They all ended up in some sort of occupation...

...except for Frisk.

Of course, Frisk wasn't a monster, and had even more chances to get into what humans do. Yet, upon the dramatic freeing they felt the need to stay by Toriel, now a schoolteacher, and maintain at least some connection to the Underground. Having earned a fair amount of human money, Toriel was able to take care of Frisk as human parents would, and Frisk lived a generally fulfilling life.

And, as would be expected, every September 15th Frisk and Toriel came together and visited old locations in the Underground, remembering their friends and what they did.

On this anniversary, however, Frisk had a different idea, just as they both passed the mirror in the New Home.

"Look at you now. You are an adult, my child. If only we both could see what has become of other monsters..."

"Let's find them."

"Oh no, my child, I'm afraid that's near impossible. They all have gone their ways now, and only memories remain..."

"Let's find them and bring them all here. For the anniversary."

"Well, I suppose, it doesn't hurt to try."

* * *

Eight years.

That is how long ago the streets of Snowdin were buzzing for the last time until now. Every corner merchant, librarian and prankster were enjoying the sights in town, covered by dust and, in some parts, even caved in.

One particular skeleton, though, was not impressed by members of the latter group. "SANS, I TOLD YOU! NO MORE DOORS IN PLACES WHERE DOORS DON'T BELONG!" he shouted, getting his brother's attention.

"what? i didn't place any shortcut anywhere."

"LOOK. RIGHT. HERE!" Papyrus pointed towards one door in Waterfall, otherwise unremarkable.

"not me." Sans only shrugged.

"Well, what's a door used for other than opening it!" Undyne, sick of the skeletons' chatter, took a spear and shattered the door, then marched straight in. With no better choice, most of the monsters followed into the room; however, due to plot devices, only a handful of them could actually enter inside and see what was in store for them.

* * *

"Welp. You discovered it." The Annoying Dog spoke.

"DISCOVERED WHAT?" Papyrus remained unconvinced.

"If there's a secret that still binds us to the Underground after all these years, then you are going DOWN." Undyne spoke threateningly.

"Don't you mean Undertale?" With that said, the Annoying Dog suddenly got everyone's attention.

"what he's saying," Sans spoke, stepping next to the Annoying Dog, "is that we're all fictional characters created by him. that's how the story goes, right?"

"Yes. That is exactly how the story goes. And then you all play Undertale, but that's literally impossible." The Annoying Dog clicked on his computer and got the title screen of Undertale to show up, followed by the name entry screen.

"Surely it can't be?" Toriel said, only for the Annoying Dog to enter her name and be greeted with an error, reading "I think you should think of your own name, my child."

"What the actual...?" Undyne threw both Toriel and the Annoying Dog off and tried getting in with her own name. Once again, an error was shown, saying "Get your OWN name!"

"No, YOU get your own name, Undertale, before you're smashed to..." Undyne readied her spear to attack the computer, before hearing a voice, sounding almost as loud as God's.

_**"Toby, you okay?"**_ It was a female voice, coming from a staircase which hadn't been there before, or at least had not been noticed. That was enough to stop Undyne, who, with everyone else, looked up to see a light coming from the above, conveniently accessible by the staircase, as if this was the basement of a greater house.

_**"Eh, he's in his own trance."** _ A male voice responded to the female voice. There was another female voice in the room above, spouting unending chatter, which neither Undyne nor Toriel nor Sans nor Papyrus could hear a word of, until suddenly, when the voice exclaimed:

_**"And that's what happened! So, Toby, what do you think?"** _

Not paying attention to his own world anymore, the Annoying Dog went upstairs and into the light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's idiotisms: Another one beats the Host.


End file.
